How the Light Gets In

Chapter 19

Lunch was late and long and playful.  Brandon and Scott got a routine going, teasing Laura until reluctantly coaxed smiles finally gave way to spontaneous laughter.  

Matt did what he always did.  He watched.  He was happy to see what he hoped was the beginning of Laura’s recovery, and happier still to see his brother’s obvious joy.  But mostly, Matt was happy just to be sitting there, next to Luc – sitting close enough to him that every now and then their arms touched.  Each contact was slight and swift and almost accidental, and filled Matt with warmth.

He was so focused on that warmth that he didn’t notice Stevie’s arrival until he felt his chair jostled and a fist bump against his shoulder.  He glanced up quickly into a glittering smile.

“What do you want?” he asked, making no attempt to disguise his displeasure.

“You, sweetie,” said Stevie, running the tips of his fingers up Matt’s arm.

Matt jerked away hard, knocking an elbow against Luc’s upper arm.  He spun around; the Quebecois boy was looking at him with silver blue eyes that were wide and startled.  Matt felt a quick surge of panic, and shook his head slowly, trying to deny Stevie without words.

Stevie’s laughter broke over them, musical, tinkling notes that said he was easy and open and ready.  Matt recognized that laugh.  The one that could never be trusted.  Caught in Luc’s startled gaze, he knew he would do pretty much anything to protect Luc from it.

“Aw, come on, Mattie,” said Stevie seductively, resting his hand this time on Matt’s shoulder.  “That’s no way to treat an old –”  He paused, one of his famous dramatic pauses, and pressed his fingers against Matt’s neck.  Just hard enough. 

Matt was watching Luc stare at Stevie, eyes so wide he looked almost frightened.  Matt wanted to soothe him.  It was only when he felt those warm fingertips begin to move, fingernails grazing the side of his neck, that he forced himself to turn away from Luc and look into Stevie’s face.

“Friend,” Stevie finished.   The coy tip of pink tongue glided suggestively between carefully glossed and pouting lips.

Matt raised a hand and pushed away the fingers that felt so warm against his skin.   

“Just fuck off, ok?”

“With pleasure,” said Stevie with a low, sexy laugh.  “But before we do that, I actually have something important to say.”   

“I seriously doubt it,” Matt muttered, as he watched Stevie put something down on the table.

“Actually, Mattie, I do,” he said, and there was a shift in his voice that did, indeed, sound almost serious. 

Matt glanced down to see a flyer lying on the table.  “What is it this time?” he demanded.

“Come to Rainbow tonight,” said Stevie.

“I don’t think so,” said Matt. 

“It’s important.”

“I doubt it.”

“Mattie, please.  Listen.”  Now he did actually sound like he meant it. 

Matt took a deep breath.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a movement on the table, and glanced down to see that Scott had picked up the flyer.

 “I really don’t want to go to a pub,” he said to Stevie.   

 “You really need to just listen for a minute.”  Stevie put another flyer down on the table in front of him.  “This really is serious, ok?  It’s something we all need to do.  Just read it and think about it.”

“It’s a vigil,” said Scott quietly.

 “What?”

“Rainbow’s organized a vigil tonight,” said Scott.  He read from the flyer. 

“To mourn the loss of our brothers and sisters in the US,

and of our brothers and sisters here at home.  

To give voice to all of us

who have wrestled with these shadows. 

To reassure those of us who need to know

That it gets better.”

“May I have one, please?”  Luc’s voice was quiet, his accent, always more noticeable when he was stressed or excited, was very strong.

He reached out his hand, and Stevie handed him a flyer, then dropped a few more on the table.  Stevie, thank God, wasn’t paying any attention to Luc.  Stevie was still watching Matt.

“We’re gonna be meeting at Rainbow, and then walk to Union Square,” he said.  “We’ll have a stage set up.  There’ll be some speakers.  We’ve got the student press coming.  Maybe we can even scare up some local press.  This is important stuff, Mattie.  Please.”

Matt was listening to Stevie, but he had turned back to watch Luc, who had placed the flyer on the table and was reading it with his head bowed.  His hands were in his lap, fists clenched.  

“Come on, Mattie,” Stevie coaxed.  “Say you’ll be there.  You always said you wished there was something you could do.  Well, this is something.”  

Matt gave Stevie a hard look.   He could go, yes, but how could that possibly make a difference?  It sure as hell couldn’t change anything. 

And there was Luc to consider.  Luc, who had been tempted by that path so recently.  He didn’t want Luc exposed to any more pain.  Not if he could help it.

Stevie had bent over, and now Matt felt his hot breath against the side of his jaw. 

“For fuck’s sake, Matt,” he said in a hard little whisper that no one else could hear.  “Butch up.  Maybe you owe him this.”

Matt felt the familiar panic deep in his gut, the one that made him feel like he was going to faint.  Or vomit.

“It’s the least you can do,” said Stevie.

Matt was about to answer when Luc raised his head. 

“I would like to go,” he said quietly.  

Fighting his pounding heart, Matt refocused on Luc.  He took a few deep gulps of air, and felt his panic subside.

 “You sure?” he asked.

“Oui,” said Luc.  “I’m sure.”  The silver-blue gaze was calm, almost serene.

“I’ll go, too,” said Scott softly.  “And I’ll call Josh.”  

Scott was also was watching Luc, and he looked desperately worried.

“We all should go,” said Laura, who had also taken a flyer.

 “Yes,” said Brandon.  His eyes met Matt’s, his expression thoughtful.  “l’ll let all the guys on the team know.”

“Team?”  Stevie sounded confused.

“The rugby team,” said Scott.

“Oooh,” said Stevie.  “That sounds interesting.”

“I’ll get my team, too,” said Laura.

“Uh, whatever.”  But Stevie winked at her, taking the sting out of his words.

But Matt knew the campy allusions were just habit.  Stevie was watching him.  And he was serious.  “You’ll come?”

Matt reached down beneath the table, and where the others could not see, covered one of Luc’s hands with his own.  The left one.  The wounded one.   He felt the fist open and Luc’s hand turn beneath his.  Their fingers laced together like it was the most natural thing in the world.

He turned back to Stevie.  “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll be there.  Thanks for letting me know.”

“Good,” said Stevie.

But Stevie was no longer looking at him.  Stevie had shifted a little, and was now looking down, to where Matt’s and Luc’s fingers rested against Luc’s thigh.  A wicked little smile played over his deceptively angelic mouth.    

Matt’s fingers tightened protectively around Luc’s, and he felt Luc press back.  Something deep inside him thrilled to Luc’s response.

***

The last speaker was a short, slender guy in his mid twenties wearing a dark, tightly fitted jacket and a scarf wrapped many times around his neck.  When his name was called, he was standing among the crowd, not far from Luc;he made his way to the makeshift stage as he was being introduced by one of the LGBT Executives.  A much larger guy walked with him as far as the stage, with one arm firmly around his shoulders.  When they passed directly in front of him, Luc saw the small guy lean in towards the larger one, pausing for a second, breathing deeply.  The big guy bent to say something against his ear, kissed his cheek, and then his mouth.  The smaller guy stared up into his face for a minute, then climbed up onto the stage alone. 

The night was beautiful, cold and clear, the sky lit with a million stars.  A wind was blowing in from the ocean, and sudden little gusts blew about the snow that had fallen softly during the afternoon.  The speaker wasn’t wearing a hat, and underneath the lights, snow sparkled in his hair, like stars that had fallen from the wide, black sky.

For a few minutes he didn’t say anything.  He just stood there, looking at the crowd.  Luc looked, too.  There must have been a hundred people, all of them carrying some kind of light – candles, flashlights, cell phones with flashlight aps. 

Luc and his friends were at the front of the group, to the right of the stage. Matt was on his left side, pressed close.  On his right, Scott stood with Josh.  Brandon and Laura were on the other side of Matt.  Laura, propped on crutches, was leaning back against Brandon, who had both arms wrapped around her.  They all carried white glow sticks.  Brandon had come up with that.  He’d had a box of them in his room, left over from some rugby party, and had given them out to everyone on the rugby and gymnastic teams. 

The crowd was hushed and waiting.  Their lights pierced the night with tiny points of otherworldly glow. 

Finally, when the silence seemed almost unbearable, the small, slight man on the stage began to speak.

“My name is Joe,” he said, and it was like everyone let out a deep breath they hadn’t been aware they were holding.  

“None of you know me.  I’m not a student here.  But my boyfriend was.”

He paused, looked over to the side of the stage.  Luc followed the glance, saw that Joe was looking to the big guy who’d walked him to the stage.  Luc saw him nod.

“He was 17 when he came here five years ago,” Joe continued.  “His name was Jonathan Williams.”

He stopped.  The crowd was quiet.  The name meant nothing to Luc nor, as far as he could tell, to anyone around him.

“Jon and I grew up together.  We were best friends from the time we could walk, boyfriends since we were 13,” Joe continued.  “Secret boyfriends.  But he came here alone.  Why?  Because even though we were the same age, he was just so much smarter than me.  He finished high school a year early.  He got a scholarship.  We’re from a small town in Alberta, and neither of our parents had a lot of money, and that scholarship meant he could leave home...”

His voice trailed off, and he seemed to be struggling to continue.  Luc looked around, saw Josh turn and say something to Scott.  Scott eased behind him, wrapping both arms around Josh’s waist.  Josh leaned back, closed his eyes.

 “The plan was that I’d join him the following year,” Joe continued finally.  “We wanted to come here because we’d read that it was gay friendly, that it had a really active LGBT group.  We figured we could be ourselves here, come out...”

He took a deep breath, and sighed heavily.

“The thing is, Jon didn’t want to come here alone.  He had this idea that he could work for a year, wait for me to finish high school.  That we could come here together.  But he had this scholarship, and home wasn’t a good place for him.  For either of us, really.  Our parents didn’t know we were gay.  His, especially, would have had a really hard time with it.  No one knew about us...”

The voice faded away for a minute.

“We couldn’t tell anyone that we were more than friends, and, well, you know.  So Jon came here alone, and I stayed back home alone, and we figured we could wait one more year, and then we could really start to live...”

“None of you –   None of you –”

He stopped again, and this time he seemed unable to go on.  The crowd was silent, helpless.  He looked out into it, then over at his boyfriend.  The big guy climbed up onto the platform and made his way across the stage.  Luc didn’t see him open his arms, but Joe was suddenly wrapped up in them, pressed against him.  Luc knew from the way his head dropped and his shoulders sagged, he was crying.  A small murmur moved through the crowd. 

Luc felt cold all of a sudden – much colder than the clear black night warranted.  It was a deep, inside-himself cold that had nothing to do with wind, or the night air.  He shuddered.  He didn’t need to listen to know how this story was going to go.  

He pressed himself closer to Matt, wanting to feel Matt’s warmth, Matt’s strength.  Neither of them said anything, but he felt a strong, solid arm slip around him.

The crowd waited under the huge, star filled sky, all of them holding up their little points of light. The wind blew the soft snow about..  Everything sparkled.  Luc leaned into Matt, and breathed in the coldness of the night.

It seemed like a long, long time before Joe was able to speak again, and when he began, his boyfriend stayed beside him. 

“None of you here will remember Jonathan,” he said, and his high, light tenor was much firmer than it had been before, much stronger.  “You’re all too young.  But he was – he was such a good guy.  He was so smart and so funny and so kind... I wish... I wish you could have known him.”

Suddenly his voice hardened.  “And none of you will have heard of him, because the reasons were all kept secret.  Well, it’s time for the secrets to stop.  I came here tonight because I heard about this vigil on someone’s Facebook page.  It’s funny, how all the degrees of separation can vanish today.  Anyway, I saw that there was a vigil tonight, and what it was about, and I called up your Executive, and they were good enough to agree to let me speak.”

Up to this point, Joe had spoken slowly, with a certain reluctance.   Now his words were strong and forceful, like they were fuelled with something that just needed to get them out.

“Five years ago tonight, Jonathan walked out of the university, out to the highway, and down to the water.  He walked along the beach, for a long, long time, and then he sat down and he looked up at the sky...”

A hush went through the crowd.

“I like to think it was a night like this one, cold and clear and full of stars.  I like to think that when he lay down, that’s what he saw.  A beautiful, beautiful sky, and all those brilliant bits of light.  His body was found the next day.”

 Luc pressed even closer to Matt.  They were both shaking.

“I don’t know what was said here about his death,” said Joe.  “I wasn’t here.  And I don’t know what was known.” 

“But I do know what was said at his funeral back home.” 

“Nothing.”

“Nothing about the real reasons.” 

“Nothing about the messages he left.  Messages for his parents, and for his brother, and for me.”

“But what I want to say here tonight, what I’ve come all this way to say, is that Jonathan’s death was not an accident.  It was not caused by alcohol, or by academic pressure.  Jonathan walked out that night to die.  He did it because someone here found out he was gay and threatened to out him back home.  He did it because he was gay and alone and scared, and he couldn’t find the strength to wait for me to get here, to be with him.  He didn’t think there was any point.”

“Jonathan was alone.  He didn’t want to be.  He wanted to stay home and wait for me.  But his parents didn’t want him to lose a year, and I didn’t want him to lose his scholarship, and I talked him out of it.  I convinced him it would be ok, that this was a good place, that he could handle it for a year, and then we would be together and it would be good.”

“When he came home for Christmas, he was so scared.  But I told him it was only four more months.  I told him he could stand it that much longer.  I convinced him to go back.”

Joe’s voice broke again.  “I –  have to live with that.” 

Again he turned to his boyfriend, pressed his face into the big guy’s chest.

Watching them stand there like that, Luc felt impossibly bruised and tender.  He hurt for the boy, Jonathan, who had put the pain to rest.  He understood that hurt.  He knew it in all its guises. 

He also hurt for Joe, who despite a new boyfriend, who clearly cared deeply for him, was still horribly wounded by what Jonathan had done.  Luc understood that hurt, too.  The hurt of not being enough.  Of being left behind.  The way Daniel had left him behind.

He looked around at his friends.  Josh had his eyes closed and was leaning back against Scott, who had his arms wrapped around him and was holding him tightly from behind.  Laura, in Brandon’s arms, was weeping openly.  Brandon was looking worriedly between her and Matt. 

And Matt –

Beside him, Matt was trembling.  His hand had fallen from Luc’s hip; cold wind blew between them.   

Luc stepped closer to him, and realized that something inside Matt had broken.  The blonde head, glistening with blowing snow, was bowed.  He’d dropped his glow stick and seemed surrounded by darkness.  Luc couldn’t see the tears, but he felt them in the trembling of Matt’s body beside his. 

He felt helpless.