“You need to see the rest of the house,” Freddie told James. They were in Freddie’s room, which was where James had spent the bulk of his time in the house before. They’d spent more time with Mrs. Ford after James’s mother had left, and then Freddie had walked with James to Freddie’s house. Significantly, James was carrying his horn.
When they arrived, they found several boxes on Freddie’s front porch. The things Mrs. Ford had sent men to collect from James’ house, his now former house, had been boxed up and delivered. Everything from his room had been taken, along with a few other items of his that his mother had pointed out.
Freddie and James carried all the boxes up to Freddie’s room; Freddie hadn’t asked if James would like his own room, so the boxes were taken to Freddie’s. His thought was, what with James’ current state of mind, the boy should have company rather than be alone. If at a later time that changed, if James wanted more separation, it would be easy enough to adjust then.
James okayed Freddie’s suggestion that he see the house. It was a mansion more than a house. Freddie showed James each room and identified them all. James was impressed and more than a little awed. He’d never even dreamed of living in a house like this.
He was introduced to the cook, Mrs. Ramirez, who greeted him warmly. Freddie told him after they’d left the kitchen that his mother, while a wonderful, warm and loving mother—a description at odds with how he’d spoken of her before—was a disinterested cook, and in any case, she was busy tending to civic affairs during the day and didn’t want to come home and have to plan and cook dinner.
Freddie then took James outside. Showed him the pool and pool house, the tree house he’d had as a kid and no longer used, and the three-car garage.
“Do you mow the lawn?” James asked. The lawns were well-tended as were the flower beds and bushes. Everything showed care was taken to keep it pristine.
“We have a gardener come in and take care of most of it. But I do the mowing.”
“Wow! That must take ages!”
Freddie smiled. “We have a large riding mower. I can’t drive a car yet, so I do this. It’s so much fu!. And it’s an excuse not to have to practice the horn so much.”
James frowned. “I like practicing the horn. And I do it an hour, often two hours a day. You’ll have to learn to put up with that.” He made the statement sound like a rebuttal.
“I think there’s an old coal bin in the basement. I’ll set up a place for you there.” Freddie laughed at the disgusted scowl on James’ face. Then he said, “I know you’ll spend time practicing. But you’ll also have time for other things. You probably didn’t have much else to occupy yourself with and so practicing filled the empty hours. I practice a little, too, but I have other things to do, too, like swimming and all sorts of video games and other stuff.”
James was quiet then, just looking at everything there was to see, but as they were walking back into the house, asked, “What about friends?”
Freddie shook his head. “I really don’t have many, not close ones. First off, this is an expensive area to live in, and most everyone here is older. There aren’t any neighborhood kids to hang with. Second, all the kids I do meet are at school, and most of them live there. I’m one of the few who commutes. This makes me an outsider. Oh, the kids are great, and I get along fine with them. They seem to like me. But they’re there and I’m not, so while they’re friendly, they aren’t really what you’d call my friends.”
“So you’re alone a lot?”
Freddie nodded.
“So what do you do? You can’t swim all day, and you don’t practice nearly as much as I do.”
Freddie didn’t answer. He just kept walking. He climbed the stairs, walked past his room, then stopped at a closed door. He’d told James that it led to the attic but hadn’t shown him that part of the house earlier.
“Okay. I’ll show you what I spend a lot of time doing.” He opened the door and climbed the stairs. James followed.
What James saw when they came to the top took his breath away.
The attic was basically one large room that covered the entire house. There were four doors on the far end from the stairs that led to closets, but other than that, the attic was simply a vast space. But the space wasn’t empty; at least three quarters of it was filled with what James was looking at: a massive N-Scale model-train layout.
Freddie was watching James, and he broke out in a huge smile seeing his friend’s surprise and delight. “I thought you’d like it. I was sure you would.”
“I . . . I always wished . . . I . . .”
“It’s where I spend a lot of time. I’ll show you. We can run it together. It’s meant to have two people running it and several trains going at once. But I need to tell you about it first. About it, and about me. Let’s go back down to my room. It’ll be easier to talk there.”
Freddie got onto the bed, and when James took the chair, Freddie scowled. “No, here.” He patted the bed. “I have a lot to say, and I want you here so you can see my eyes, and I can see yours. I know you’ve been through a lot today. But I want you to hear this now. We’re going to be spending time together, and, well, I’m just talking now, saying nothing, putting off talking about what I need to. It’s hard talking about it.”
He patted the bed again. James came over and sat down on it cross-legged like Freddie had, facing him.
Freddie took a deep breath, stopped, then took another. He shuddered, then began. “My dad died two years ago. Car accident. It just tore me up. He and I were very close. We spent a lot of time together. My mother’s great, but she was always busy. Still is. Her activities give her life meaning. But she was busy, and Dad spent as much time with me as he could.
“I wasn’t terribly athletic, and neither was he. But he liked to hike and camp out and read. He swam with me and did creative projects. I loved being with him, doing the things we did together. All the things he liked, I got to like, too. I took up the horn because he played piano, and I wanted to play duets with him. I suppose I could have played any number of other instruments, but I’d listened to classical music with him and loved how the horn sounded.”
He stopped and grinned at James. “And now, because of that decision, I know you.”
James didn’t respond. Freddie’s mood had changed. Even his smile was different, not as bright, not as happy.
Freddie continued. “It was his idea to build the treehouse, and then, later, the train set. I loved the idea of the trains. What kid isn’t fascinated by model trains? We went and looked at some displays, and then together we sat down and drew out a layout we could build.
“We spent hours building it. And we never did finish it; we considered it always as a work in progress. We’d get a section done and run the trains and that always led to ideas about how to expand it. And then we had to build more villages and mountains and sidings and railroad yards and tunnels and all the peripherals you want.”
He stopped for a moment and sighed. “And then Dad died. I went into about as deep a depression as a kid can fall into. Mom wanted me to see someone, and I did, but talking about it didn’t help. It was a very bad time, nothing made any difference, nothing cut through my pain, until . . .”
He paused. James could see talking about this was difficult for him. He’d never heard Freddie sound so somber.
“Until I found something that did. I hadn’t been in the attic since he died. Part of me died with him, and that train set just reminded me of him and how close we were, and I couldn’t go back up there.
“But I was suffering, and I wasn’t getting any better, and Mom was worried about me, and I was worried about me. And one day I got off my bed. I opened that door and walked up there, not exactly knowing why or what I’d do up there, and I saw those trains, and they were sitting idle, and I knew, I suddenly knew, I had to make them run again. Get them moving. For Dad as much as for me. Because his spirit was alive in those trains, and they shouldn’t be sitting there idle. I was letting his spirit fade away when I should be keeping it alive.”
Freddie stopped. He looked away from James. He’d been meeting his eyes. It took a moment, then two, to regather himself. Then he looked back and gave James a wan smile. “Those trains saved me. Little by little, spending time there, both remembering and enjoying working on them, I got pieces of me back.
“But James, it’s really a job for two, running those trains, if it’s done right. Talking with someone about improvements, making train schedules so two can run the trains and not run into each other, planning new layouts to hook into the current one: it takes two to make it the best time you can have up there. Hard to be that enthusiastic when it’s just you. Sharing the planning and work makes it ten times better.
“I was so glad to see you react like you did when you saw the trains.”
James had listened without showing any emotion at all. Now, he shook his head.
“What?”
James looked at him for a moment, then said, “You’re the happiest, most upbeat, carefree person I’ve ever known. It’s difficult to be down about anything when you’re around. You lift everyone up. What you’re saying, and the way you are, it can’t be true.”
“It can and is. The trains saved me, and when my depression lifted, well, I think the doctors call it overcompensation. I hated how I felt back then. Being sad wasn’t my nature. But even after getting better, when I’d think of my dad, I’d feel some of that sadness come back. I had to push it away, consciously ignore it. Some of that pranking and foolishness and inanity you’ve seen that I know you either dislike or distrust, it’s just that. It’s me overcompensating.
“But my normal state is being happy. It’s been two years now since he died. Time does help. I can think of my dad now without regressing. And you know, you’re part of the reason why that is.”
“Me?”
Freddie had been looking stoic, but now seemed to be relaxing. He even smiled. “Yeah, you. You’ve been about the saddest, most serious, least-happy person I’ve ever met. As soon as I saw that, it gave me an objective. Got me out of myself and my state of mind. I decided I was going to make you smile. I knew personally what unhappiness felt like. Right from the start, with you reading your book and saying no to everything, I decided it was going to be my project to change that. You were a kid my age and so negative, you couldn’t possibly be happy. I was going to fix that.
“And you know what? I did! And I got you to smile. After that, I wanted to see it again. And I knew I couldn’t make you happy if I was morose. Like you seemed to be much of the time. So even when I felt like giving in to my darker thoughts, which didn’t happen much by then, I didn’t let myself. I never wanted you to see me that way. Helping you has helped me be me.”
When James didn’t respond to that, Freddie felt he had to keep going. James would think this to death if given the chance. Freddie didn’t want that to happen.
“So, that’s that. We have the trains to get to; if they don’t make you happy, you’re a lost cause. But let’s talk about something else, first. You’ll be living here till we get you enrolled at school. I have no doubt you’ll pass the audition and get a scholarship. But that’ll take a little time, and we need to discuss how living here will work.”
James remained still. Freddie forged on.
“What I’d like, what I feel is best for you, is for you to stay here with me. I mean in my room. We have several other rooms you could have, but I think you’d be better off not being alone. How can I be in charge of your happiness if you’re isolating yourself somewhere? And I like you, I’ll enjoy having you here with me, so why not? I have a huge bed, and neither of us take up much room. But it’s your decision. Where would you like to stay?”
James thought for a moment, then climbed off the bed. He went to sit in the chair by Freddie’s computer. He hadn’t said much since Freddie had been telling him about his depression. Now, he wasn’t even looking at Freddie. He simply seemed deep in thought.
Freddie waited.
When James finally spoke, he’d turned back to Freddie, but didn’t meet his eyes. “I have to tell you something, Freddie. I’m scared to, because I have nowhere else to go, and you might hate me, but I have a conscience. I have to tell you. I’m gay.”
He looked up and then away again very quickly, daring himself to briefly meet Freddie’s eyes, fearing he’d see disgust.
Freddie said, “So?”
“What do you mean, ‘So’? I’m gay, Freddie!” Right away, James was upset, and he felt himself getting angry. He’d just said the most scary thing he’d ever said to another boy, something he’d been keeping private like forever, and Freddie was acting like it was not only not a big deal, but that it was no deal at all!
Freddie shook his head. “So what if you’re gay? That doesn’t mean you can’t play the horn, can’t run the trains with me, can’t do all the other things kids our age do. All of us think about sex a lot. If you’re gay, you probably think about boys. So what? That doesn’t hurt anyone. Have you done things with other boys?”
“No! I’ve never even seen a boy naked. But I’m gay. I’m sure of that.”
“How could you be? You might be attracted to boys, but, well, I know I’m attracted to everyone. Hormones. Aren’t you also attracted to at least some girls, too? And since you’ve not done anything, maybe you wouldn’t like doing it with boys. How can you possibly be so sure?”
“Because I get crushes on boys. I want to do things with them. I think about it all the time. I’m just too shy to actually get with anyone.”
“You don’t get crushes on girls?” Freddie grimaced. “I’m perfectly normal, and I get crushes on both sexes. Doesn’t mean I’m bisexual, does it? I doubt it. Just means we’re not old enough yet to have our sexual desires locked in. You can’t be sure.”
“Wait a minute,” James said. He’d lost his bashful shyness for the moment. This was important. “That sounds like you’re like me, that you haven’t done anything yet, either, with anyone. Are you saying that? If you are, why not? That’s crazy. You don’t have a bit of shyness in you. You’re outgoing and extroverted. You’re good-looking; you have a wonderful personality. And you think about sex. So why haven’t you done anything?”
For the first time, James got to see Freddie blush. It was Freddie’s turn to drop his eyes. He was silent, composing his thoughts for a moment. When he spoke, it wasn’t with his normal confident voice. “Having a crush and doing something about it are two different things. I wouldn’t want to be rejected any more than you would. You probably see me as this overconfident, sure-of-himself boy, but I have self-doubts just like everyone else. Some of that confidence is an act. I am able to push the doubts away most of the time. But asking someone out? Risking rejection? That’s an area that scares me. Hey, I’m human!”
“I don’t believe it! Who’d turn you down? You’re funny and popular—well, I’m sure you’re popular at school. No one would turn you down. Well, if it were a boy, he might if he was completely straight. But no girl would. You said you did have crushes on some girls. Why haven’t you asked one of those?”
Freddie didn’t answer the question. He did ask one of his own. “You only have crushes on boys?”
“I can tell when a girl’s pretty, but I don’t get crushes on any of them. I do on boys.”
“Do you have one on me?”
“Hey!” James eyes dropped again. He did raise them when he continued. He said angrily, “You’re not supposed to ask me that.”
“Why not? You wanted complete honesty when you started this by saying you were gay. That wouldn’t affect me at all unless you had a crush on me. And even then, it would be up to me how I reacted. I guess the answer must be yes.”
He stopped. It was James’ turn, but Freddie didn’t want to push him where he was uncomfortable going. But, if they wanted to clear the air between them, that question should be answered.
James took his time, but then said, “If I answer, will you answer one for me?”
“Sure.”
“Not so fast! Even if you don’t like the question, you’ll still answer honestly?”
“Yes. I don’t have anything to hide from you.”
“Okay then. Of course I have a crush on you. I’ve tried not to. I didn’t even like you at first because you didn’t seem to take playing the horn seriously, not like I do. But I can’t help it. The more I’m with you and get to see your personality, see that you’re funny but not frivolous, not only funny, that you’re kind and considerate, that . . . oh, heck, I do have a crush and it keeps getting stronger. I wanted to tell you that when I said I was gay, but I lost my nerve. I was scared you’d throw me out.”
“Yeah, like I’d do that! Knowing you don’t have anywhere to go, I’d throw you out? Look, James, you’re stuck here with me whether you like it or not. Whether I like it or not! Whether you’re crushing on me or not. Get it?”
James nodded. “And that’s my question. Do you mind that I have a crush on you? Does that bother you? I can’t help it, you know. It’s your fault. You’re, well . . . except for not being serious about the horn, you’re perfect.”
Freddie snorted. “I’m not perfect! That just shows you don’t know me well. When you do, your crush will probably disappear.”
James stared at him for a second, not speaking. Then he said, “You didn’t answer the question. Does my crush bother you? Knowing I’m thinking about you in a sexual way. That I’ll be thinking like that when we’re together.” Then he dropped his eyes. The answer was too important to him. He was risking being told that Freddie would rather he didn’t think of him that way, that it would make him uncomfortable. That maybe it was best if he did find another room to sleep in. That they could still spend time together, but not the kind of time maybe James would want to spend. Asking the question was hard because he was so afraid of the answer. Asking it felt like the bravest thing he’d ever done.
Freddie grinned. James just shook his head in disgust. Freddie found serious things funny. James didn’t. The two would never work together, James was sure of that. But he also couldn’t stop feeling something, looking at that grin. Dammit, he did like this boy.
“Okay, you asked, I’ll answer. James, I’ve had a crush on you since I first met you. You were reading that book, isolating yourself from all the people, all the fun, and you looked so vulnerable, and so terribly cute—you’re the cutest boy I’ve ever seen—that I wanted more than anything to take the scared look off your face and replace it with a look of happiness. I wanted you to feel like I do. I’ve never lost that feeling of wanting to help you. You’re never really out of my thoughts. And I’m not saying this right. The fact is, I’ve been turned on by you since that first meeting, and I’m even more so now. Think all the sexy thoughts you want about me. I do the same about you.” Then he grinned again.
“You like me?!”
“Yes. You’re who I think about all the time.”
James got a weird look on his face, both disbelief and impishness mixed together. “I see now. You wanted me in here, for us to sleep in your bed, the two of us, together. I see.”
Freddie laughed. “Is this you, playing? Really? The James I know would never joke like that. He’d be too serious. He’d consider and reconsider and then decide what he was hoping for didn’t have a chance of happening and then mope. I like this James a whole lot better than that one that you and I are going to be working on retiring. But, right now, before you get too much into thinking about sleeping entanglements, let’s go up and play with those trains! I’ve been dying to do that for way too long.”
> > >
“I’m exhausted.”
Freddie stopped untying his robe. They’d taken showers, individual showers. Freddie had given James his spare robe to wear coming out of the bathroom, and he’d worn his own when he was done. He came into the bedroom and saw James standing, waiting for him. He grinned at James, then started to untie the sash on his robe. James was still wearing his robe. Freddie was definitely the less modest of the two.
Freddie stopped. “You’re exhausted? You don’t want to do this?”
James could hear the disbelief and the disappointment in his voice. “I do want to. More than anything. But I’m exhausted. Do you know how many ups and downs I’ve lived through today? Then that big dinner and all the excitement with the trains—my god, are they great! And too, the stress of thinking about this? Freddie, I’m just done in.”
“We can wait,” Freddie said but felt like someone had just blown out all the candles on his birthday cake before he’d had a chance to.
“I want to do this, too, Freddie. But I’m too spent. Do you know what I’d really, really like?”
“What?”
“I’d like us both to get naked, then get into bed, and you get behind me and hold me. Spoon; is that the right word? Spoon together, and I want to fall asleep with you holding me.”
Freddie grinned. “You know what? That sounds great. Yeah, we should wait till you’re ready, and you’re not tonight. So I’m all in. Uh, let’s drop the robes together. That’ll be plenty enough excitement for tonight.
They did that, both blushing, then James climbed into bed. Freddie turned off the light and climbed in behind him. James was already on his side, turned away from Freddie. Freddie wriggled forward till he was up against James and comfortable.
James let out a huge sigh. He was asleep before the first sheep could even think about jumping that fence.