Though he’d been exhausted getting on the plane and had assumed he’d sleep most of the way till they landed, Alec’s head was working overtime, and sleep became impossible. He was thinking about how his world had tipped sideways in the past few weeks. He’d done what he’d hoped he would soon: he’d had sex with another boy! What he’d done with Leo probably should be labeled as entry-level sex—and then the same with Tanner. He’d learned something with both, something rather basic but not something he’d ever given any thought to. It was that sex felt better, much better, with someone else besides just himself, even though what he’d done with them was pretty much the same thing as when no one else was involved. He’d learned mutual sex was intense and emotional and very good, though it had been with very different people. What could he make of this?
The obvious take was that sex felt good; he liked it; he wanted to do it again. Also, it was a guess, but sex probably would also be very good with many other guys as long as he liked them and they were as sensitive to him as he was to them. Looking deeper into what that meant, could it be that sex shouldn’t be the basis of finding what he was looking for?
And that thought, coming out of nowhere, woke him up completely. He hadn’t been aware he was searching for anything. Now, he knew he was. He knew what it was, too. He wanted a boyfriend. But with the experiences he’d now had, it occurred to him that choosing a boyfriend shouldn’t be based just on sexual attraction. It made sense, thinking of Leo and Tanner, that sex with a boyfriend would probably be great, no matter who he was. So that should not be the fundamental part of his search.
What a strange thought that was! When he’d been attracted to boys in the past, his thoughts almost always ran to thinking about being sexual with them. Now, he could see the fallacy in that.
So, what should he look for? That was more complicated. He’d been attracted to Leo and Tanner. That was probably important. Attraction was important. Why try to find a boyfriend he wasn’t attracted to? That’d be stupid. So, make attraction a top-of-the list item, but not the only thing. Next?
He liked that Leo was fun-loving and outgoing. He liked that Tanner was youthful in his thoughts and actions. He liked that in both of them. Perhaps that should be on the list, too: he wanted someone whose personality appealed to him. That made sense. Someone outgoing, not shy, and with a strong personality.
Was there anything about the two guys that didn’t appeal to him? Well, sure. Leo didn’t seem to have much of a serious side. He was a good guy; he was helping the players on the team that needed him, but even that fact he’d turned into something playful, something to joke about. Alec wanted to be able to talk to a boyfriend and have it not all be trivial chatter. He decided that must mean he wanted some depth in a partner.
Tanner, well, finding something wrong there was harder. Alec liked most everything about him. But there was something he didn’t like. He didn’t like that he was as old as he was. That was the one thing that would keep him from being his boyfriend, even if he lived closer. Come to think of it, Leo was older, maybe two years older than he was, and that was a little uncomfortable for him as well. No, he wanted someone his age, or even a year younger. But not older. Certainly not old enough that the difference was apparent. It had bothered him that Tanner was physically much more mature than he was. He didn’t want that in a boyfriend.
The thing he hadn’t known before this short trip was that he did badly want a boyfriend. Having had sex with someone else probably had a lot to do with that. But being able to talk to Tanner, both seriously and jokingly, had shown him he wanted someone who was intelligent and sensitive.
He’d felt older or more mature—he wasn’t sure exactly what it was—but for certain he was more focused when he got off the plane. He was still Alec, but he was different, too. He was Alec on a mission, that’s who he was. He was Alec in search of a boyfriend.
««« »»»
With the Otters playing away games, Alec didn’t have to go to the stadium each morning. That meant he could do what he loved best. Well, second best now. That was staying in bed in the morning. His dad had told him he wouldn’t disturb him in the morning, and if he wanted to go in with him, just be downstairs when he left.
He idled away the days after arising, texting Tanner a few times a day. Tanner seemed eager to get his texts and promptly texted back. Alec felt sorry for him. The guy had been surrounded by friends in high school, he’d been popular and revered, and now he had no one to hang with and was seriously lonely.
His first day back, Alec slept late, then spent some time at a city park close to his house. There were kids his age playing a spirited soccer game, but he was content to simply watch them for a while, admiring the boys as he always had before moving on. He realized he was restless. Having had a job for only a short time, he found he missed the routine of it. At the moment, he had absolutely nothing calling for his attention. It felt odd that that should be the case.
He realized he was happier when he was with someone. Being alone sucked! He wondered if there was anyone he could call, and an odd thought came to him. He opened his phone and called Cal, his Lyft-driver friend. A few minutes later, he was standing in front of Trevor’s house. When he knocked on the door, Trevor answered.
“Hey!” he said. “You’re back!”
“I am. You still grounded?”
“Yeah, but she’s working today. She never really said I couldn’t have people in, just that I wasn’t to go out. So come on in. I’m going stir crazy. Tell me about L.A.”
Alec went inside, and they sprawled on a couch in the living room, one on each end. Alec said, “You’re probably curious about why I’d show up here. It’s not like we’re friends. But the fact is, I really don’t have any friends outside of school, and those I only know in school. With the Otters on the road, I’ve got nothing to do, and I thought of you being grounded and thought you might be as lonely as I was, so I came over.”
“I’m glad you did,” Trevor said. “I want to hear how you liked being a batboy. And Disneyland!”
“The batboy job was okay. That Eli guy is an asshole.”
“Exactly!”
“He yelled at me a couple of times, and I told him I’d be happy to leave, that I was only doing this as a favor, and nothing he was yelling at me about was my fault. I told him if he didn’t want me there, he could stick the job up his ass for all I cared.”
“You said that?! To Eli?! No one talks to Eli that way!”
“I figured, what the hell, I was doing him and the team a favor, and I’d be just as happy not being there. I think he realized that, and he saw he’d get nowhere trying to intimidate me. You couldn’t do that, talk to him that way; he’d fire you and get another batboy. But then and there, he was up a stump. I had that conversation with him twice, and both times he just walked away.”
“Twice? Tell me about it.”
“The first time was when I got there just as the game was to begin. He swore at me for being late, and I told him it was no skin off my ass if he didn’t want me there. He just stared at me and then walked off spitting tobacco juice. The second time was about the balls I was taking to the home plate umpire every time he needed them.”
Trevor got excited. “I saw that on TV! What was that all about, the umpire coming to your dugout?”
“That was part of a pretty big screwup. As you know, the home team batboy is supposed to run new balls out to the umpire when he signals for them. For this game, the Angels were using a substitute batboy, and I don’t know why, but they asked could our team’s batboy—which was me—do that? So before the game, one of the Angels’ coaches brought the bag of new, mud-rubbed balls to our dugout for me to supply the umpire with. So far, so good, right?
“Well, what I did, when the ump would wave at me in the dugout, Brad—he’s a nice guy, by the way—gave me four balls. I don’t have large hands; four were all I could carry. So I’d take those out to the umpire, he throws one out to the pitcher, and at one point in the game, every one he throws to the pitcher, the pitcher gives it a look and tosses it back to the dugout. This happens with four balls in a row, and the ump goes out to talk to the pitcher, and they both turn to look at me. Then they march in, headed toward our dugout—heading toward me.
“Brad has the balls the pitcher’s rejected and shows them to the umpire. They all have scuff marks on them. Eli gets involved and starts accusing me of giving used balls to the ump, but Cal says no, he’s given me the balls for the umpire. He says he now sees that they were scuffed, but he hadn’t checked them because they came from the supply of new balls. The ump looks in that bag and yeah, there are a bunch of both new and used balls in it.
“I never did learn what had happened behind the scenes to cause the problem, but it’s not hard to guess that somehow, the new balls that were supposed to be in a bag by themselves got mixed in with used balls; one of the Angels who handled them screwed up; maybe it was even the new batboy.
“Cal started picking good balls out of the bag and gave some to the ump and set others aside for me. All the while, Eli was growling at me for fucking up. His words, fucking up. I think ‘fuck’ is his favorite, go-to word. So finally I told him I had nothing to do with it—and he damn well knew that— and if he kept it up, he could kiss my ass out on the pitcher’s mound. I’d just walk off, and he could go fetch the stuff left on the field by a batter who got a hit and bring it back to the dugout, and he could take the balls out to the ump himself.”
“No! Really? Damn, I wish I’d been there. He’s after me like that all the time, swearing and putting me down, and I simply wait till he’s done and walk away.”
“Well, that’s not right. I’m going to talk to my dad. There are a lot of young players on that team, and they don’t need yelling to motivate them. They need encouragement. Maybe Eli is not the best fit for this team.”
Trevor agreed with him. “Brad knows as much about baseball as Eli does, and all the players go to him if they have any problems. He even speaks Spanish. He’d be a much better manager.”
Alec decided to change the subject. In any case, he much preferred listening than flapping his gums, and he wanted Trevor to take up the conversation. So, he asked, “How much longer will you be grounded?”
“She hasn’t said. But I’ve decided to confront her. Punishment is fine if it fits the reasons for it, but what I did was what a lot of guys my age, even younger, do if they can. We weren’t hurting anyone, breaking any laws, and the only problem was she walked in on us without knocking. It was her fault as much as ours. Being grounded indefinitely, missing going to Disneyland, staying inside all this time—it’s beyond what’s appropriate and way beyond being fair. I’m going to explain this to her and tell her enough’s enough. That just because she was embarrassed is no reason to take it out on me, and if she won’t end the grounding, I’d just stop it myself and there isn’t much she can do about it other than declare total war.
“I think she’ll back down. She’s feisty and wants to control me, but she has as much to lose as I do if we go to war. So, I think after today, I’ll be set free. I’m even going to ask her to apologize for staring at me like she did and not looking away. That’ll put her on the defensive. Hey, you want to do something together when I’ve been turned loose?”
“That would be great. Uh . . .” Alec stopped. He hadn’t planned this, but somehow doing what had just come to his mind made sense. He didn’t stop to evaluate it further. “I want to tell you something, before we become friends. I’m . . . I’m gay. There, I said it.” He was watching Trevor carefully and didn’t see any awkward grimace or frown. “You’re only the third person I’ve told, and one of the others was my dad. Uh, is this going to be a problem for you?”
Trevor smiled. “Of course not. Several boys at school are out; it’s no big deal. And I’ve heard that many guys come out in their sophomore year. I guess that’s the time when they feel they have to stop hiding. Is that what you’re feeling?”
Alec shook his head. “Not exactly. But it’s in the same ballpark. What I decided after this trip was, I need a boyfriend. Part of that comes from what you told me about you and Annie. I’m jealous. I want that! Well, not with an Annie, but maybe an Andy. If I don’t come out, I don’t know how I’ll ever find a boyfriend. If I do come out, my chances have to be much better.”
“Yeah, I see that. And you shouldn’t get any static from any of the guys at your school.” Trevor hesitated, then said, “I don’t normally say this, but we’re being very honest here—Alec, you’re very good-looking. If I were gay, I’d jump you in a minute. The boys at school will be delighted to hear you’re not in competition for the girls. The girls won’t be so happy about it!”
“I hope that’s what’ll happen. The boys, I mean. For the girls, well, I’m a nonentity at school, anyway. Coming out won’t get much notice.”
“I’ll tell you what to do.” Trevor seemed happy to be involved in this. “Join your school’s GSA. We have one at Cleveland High, where Annie and I go. In fact, Annie attends their meetings. She’s good friends with some of the boys there. She could probably set you up. But you probably have a Gay-Straight Alliance at your school to join.”
“If we do, I’ve never heard of it. Grant is one of the top high schools in the state, but it’s all about academics. A guy like Tanner going there and being such a success was an anomaly. Grant doesn’t have all the clubs other schools have. It’s about grades and getting into top colleges. You know, Annie getting me set up . . . two days ago I’d have said no way. I’m not all that social. Not like you are. But now, my urges are getting the better of me. I want a boyfriend! Maybe meeting Annie and talking to her about this is still as frightening an idea as it would have been then, but I’m more determined now, and the hell with being scared.”
“I’ll do it,” Trevor said. “I’ll get my mom off my back, then get hold of Annie. We can have dinner together, maybe at a cafe or burger joint somewhere and talk about this. Tonight?”
“Tonight would be fine. Better than fine! You’re that sure your mom will cave?”
“She will. Even if she doesn’t, we’ll still meet for dinner.”
After that, they talked about Disneyland, and Trevor made them both grilled-cheese sandwiches for lunch. “It’s about the only thing I can cook,” he said, laughing.
Alec gave him his phone number and told him to call when he knew for sure dinner was on, whether or not both his mom had cut him loose and that Annie was with the program.
««« »»»
Alec was keeping Cal, his Lyft driver, busy. Cal told him he’d give him a couple of free rides if he got him tickets to a game. Alec said he would.
They ate at Luigi’s. It wasn’t a burger joint; it was a modest Italian place that Annie had said was more private than Joe’s Burgers and had better food. Besides, her brother was a waiter there.
Alec liked Annie right from the beginning. He thought she might be shy and awkward if Trevor had told her that Alec knew about how they were having sex, but Annie wasn’t the shy and awkward type. She was straightforward, and embarrassment didn’t seem part of her makeup.
“Trevor told you about us, huh? That’s Trevor. You go out with him, you expect the whole school to know about it ten minutes after the date. That’s why I’m dating him in the summer. Fewer people will know about it this way, and I can dump him at the end of summer vacation.”
“Hey!” Trevor snorted, and Annie laughed.
“Gotcha!” she chortled.
Annie then turned to Alec. “Trevor says you’re looking for a boyfriend. Can you tell me what sort of boy you want?”
“I guess so. It’s hard, because what he looks like is important, so if I give a lot of things I want, and he has them all, except his looks don’t turn me on, then the rest of it won’t matter much.”
“That’s the problem with being set up. It’s like a blind date. It’s why a lot of them don’t work. Why don’t you just find a boy at Grant who turns your crank and approach him?”
Alec hadn’t really thought about why he didn’t want to do that. Now he had to if he was going to answer her question. Not answering would look foolish, and that was about the last thing he wanted. And maybe that was his answer!
“I’m afraid I’d look stupid. Walk up to a cute boy I don’t know and start chatting with him? With me already being a basket case, awkward with people I don’t know, a blushing machine when under pressure? Either of you two could pull that off with ease. I’d probably stammer, blush and walk away without speaking. Yeah, I want a boyfriend, but I’m still me with all my social problems. I don’t think I could pull that off.”
“So you’d look stupid. So what? You’d be giving yourself a chance, and not taking that chance because you think you’ll look bad doesn’t make much sense.”
“That’s why I envy you guys. You don’t worry about that because you’ve got a ton of self-esteem. I don’t. Shy people are always afraid of looking bad because they don’t have the ability to laugh it off. We just get embarrassed and, well, look stupid. No, that’s why I need you to set me up.”
Annie was scowling at him. Trevor was taking it all in with a grin on his face. “All right,” Annie said. “I’m not trying to embarrass you. You’re right, I don’t understand. Looking foolish to me is just part of what kids do, and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I can’t really empathize with you. But I do want to help. I don’t know why, but there’s an appealing quality to you that gets me on your side.”
Trevor finally spoke. “See? You’re good-looking, and babes fall for that and the I’m-a-helpless-boy-please-save-me-expression you wear most of the time. It’s funny, because you stood up to Eli, and I’ve never seen anyone do that. So, where do we go from here?”
Annie said, “Alec’s going to tell us what he wants in a boyfriend. I know several boys he might like, but knowing what he’s looking for will help. Alec?”
Alec sighed. “Attractive. Not much older than me. Younger is okay if it isn’t by much. My size or smaller; not much bigger. Smart. I’d like him to be outgoing, extroverted and confident like you guys, but that’s not high on the list. I want him to like me. I want him to have the same urges I have. Is that enough?”
“Probably. I know several boys that those qualifications would fit. More of less. I guess you mean attractive to you, which is subjective. The only way to find that out is if you come to one of the GSA meetings.”
“But that isn’t till school starts again, and I don’t go to your school. Anyway, a couple of months is just too long to wait. I want someone this summer.”
Trevor laughed, but Annie looked compassionate. “Not that long a wait, Alec. Our club is having a picnic on Saturday. Most of us will be there; only the kids on vacation with their families will be absent. Why don’t you come? There’ll be many boys your age and size looking for boyfriends that you can chose from. It’ll be like a Baskin-Robbins, 31-flavors store for you.”
“But I’m not a member of the club! And as I said, Grant probably doesn’t have one. Is yours active? How big is it?”
“You’ll be surprised. Now that there’s no stigma attached to being gay at school, more and more kids are coming out. One of the things we do is have guest speakers come in, and we had one from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tell us that, now, one in four teens identify as LGBT+.
“Of course, not all the kids who identify like that at the school join the club. Mostly it’s for kids who want support and to feel normal, and some, like you, are looking for special friends. I’d guess there’ll be 40-, 50-some kids there, but I won’t be surprised if double that show up. It’ll be at a city park, and a few teachers will be there in case some townspeople who can’t adjust to different sexualities show up to cause trouble.”
“I’ll stick out like I had a pimple on my nose. No one will know me. Probably one of those teachers will see me and kick me out.”
“Alec, Alec, Alec. That’s your social awkwardness kicking in, your social shyness, your hating to be in the limelight. At the picnic, it’ll be the more the merrier. We try to attract new members all the time. There’ll be kids there who aren’t in the club, looking to see what it’s like. You’ll just be another of those, and you’re the same age as at least half the members. The monitors won’t give you a second glance. And trust me, as cute and appealing a boy as you are, no one’s going to kick you out.”
Posted 19 March 2025