The Age of Innocence

Chapter 14

I couldn’t concentrate at school. It really hurt. I needed Micah in my life. He needed me, too. Well, he wanted me. I didn’t know if his need was as great as mine. I’d discovered that the boy whose looks had so affected me, that entire boy was even better than just those looks. The whole package that was Micah was more than amazing. He was more than could have fit in my imagination.

I had to do something. And I knew what that was. I’d speak to my dad. When I needed help, he was the best source I knew.

I sat with him in the den after dinner. I’d been a zombie all day. I couldn’t remember what had happened in a single class.

“Dad, Micah’s parents say he’s not gay and they don’t want him associating with me. I’m a bad influence, they say. But I love him. It’s not a boyhood crush. Please, tell me what I can do.”

He took a moment to think. Then another. Then, “That’s a tough one, Scottie. If there’s a good answer, I think you’ll find it inside of you. You’ve already made progress where you thought it was impossible this year. I think you should take what you’ve learned that’s worked and apply it to this problem. It’s possible you can’t fix it. But you can work hard and try to do your best to work this out. Nothing you’ve accomplished this year was by sitting back and letting the problems go away by themselves. Think about what you’ve already done. I’d say you’ve already worked miracles.”

That didn’t help! But it was all he had. He gave me a hug, and I went back to my room. I fretted and fussed, and then, somehow, started thinking, trying to do what Dad had suggested.

The thought that kept bouncing around in my head was: I couldn’t lose Micah. That was where I had to begin. Losing him was off the table, and I wasn’t going to accept it. I’d dealt with a bully, with my mother, with just watching Micah for too long before we got together. I’d been basically passive until I confronted my mom. Lina had said I lacked passion.

Micah had brought out the passion in me, and I had it now. I wasn’t going to lose him. Bottom line, that was everything. I thought that this was probably what my dad had wanted me to channel, this resolve. Well, I’d managed to do so. I wasn’t going to lose Micah.

Eventually, I went to my computer and tried to find support there for an idea I had. Not much of an idea, but enough that I was able to form a plan. It seemed unlikely to help, but it was a plan. Something had to be better than nothing. This was at least something. It was based mostly on hope.

I had to face his dad. I had to talk to him. Micah and I had talked. I’d talked to my mom. Now I had to talk to Mr. O’Connor. This might be the hardest thing to do yet. But it was for Micah, and it was for me, and I could do it. I could.

“I need to talk to your dad,” I told Micah. We were walking home from choir practice. He had a solo part, and we’d gone over that a few times as a choir, his solo supported by the rest of us. He sounded so fine I had a hard time not showing how I felt. He was wonderful.

“It won’t do any good,” he said glumly. “You don’t change his mind. He stays very even-tempered, which can be infuriating when trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do or let me do something he said no to. Arguing has no effect. If he’s made up his mind, then forget it. That’s it.”

“Nope. I’m not having it. I need to talk to him. I think you should be with me. Not to speak. But you’re part of this and he’ll see you, and his feelings for you will be part of what’s happening, and, I don’t know, I just think your being there will make a difference.”

“It won’t work. But if you want to do this, I’ll talk to him and arrange it. When do you want to do it? Today?”

“No, I need to do some more research first. Tomorrow. I’ll be ready then.”

≈≈ ≈≈

We were in Mr. O’Connor’s den. Mr. O’Connor, Micah and I. He had a desk there, and he could have sat behind it, taking the dominant position in the room and so the intimidating one, but he sat in one of the easy chairs instead, which I appreciated. I’d only met him a few times, but he’d been pleasant and friendly. I was glad he wasn’t mad at me for loving his son. This would have been much harder if he weren’t a reasonable man.

I too chose a chair. Micah sat on the couch.

I was nervous, but not to the extent I could have been. Mr. O’Connor had a wonderful son. I had to think a lot of that came from his having a great dad. That meant it might be possible for me to convince him to allow Micah and me to be together simply because that was the right and fair thing for him to do. I just needed to sell him on that.

“Mr. O’Connor, thanks for agreeing to listen to me. This is important to me and Micah, and I hope you’ll hear me with an open mind.”

He didn’t say anything, but didn’t scowl at me, either. That helped. Interruptions or animosity wouldn’t help at all.

“My understanding is that Micah told you he was gay, and that he and I love each other. You told him he’s too young to know either of those things, that he’ll change and realize he isn’t gay as he grows older. That he’s simply too immature at this point to find girls attractive, which didn’t mean he was gay. And you also told him that he wasn’t to associate with me any longer.”

Mr. O’Conner nodded. I continued.

“All right. I can understand why you feel as you do about us loving each other and Micah being gay. But many boys know they’re gay or, at least, that they’re different from other boys, from a very early age. Their attraction to other boys remains the same as they grow into their teens. They ultimately discover that they’re gay.

“I had no idea I was gay till I met Micah. But then Micah came here, and, well, this’ll sound crazy to you, but my whole world changed the moment I saw him. Then I got to know him. And I fell in love with him. I now accept that I’m gay. It took me a long time to realize it, but I am. I’m lucky. I have supportive parents, and that makes being who I am and acknowledging it much easier.”

I could see that comment made Mr. O’Connor uncomfortable. Well, maybe he needed to be uncomfortable as preparation for what was coming.

“He hasn’t told you, but Micah has known he is gay for quite some time. He hasn’t told you because he was afraid you’d be upset, and he loves you and wants your love in return, and he was scared he might lose that. You’re a tight family, very close, and he didn’t want to change that or disappoint you.”

Mr. O’Connor couldn’t stay quiet, hearing that. He turned away from me to his son. “Is that true, Micah? You’ve felt you were gay for a long time?”

“Yes, Dad.” Micah’s voice was like I’d never heard it before. Shaky, higher pitched than usual for him, and he looked pale to me. He was scared. “Since I was nine.”

“And you were afraid to tell me?”

I could hear his dad’s voice change, too. I’d swear I could hear a mixture of surprise, disbelief, disappointment and sadness.

Micah nodded, then looked down, no longer meeting his dad’s eyes. In that moment, Mr. O’Connor stood and walked over to him, then sat beside him and put his arm around Micah’s shoulders and pulled him into him. “You’ll never lose my love, son. Never. No matter what.”

Micah wrapped his arms around his dad, and I could see tears falling.

I continued. “Micah is gay; he’s been aware of that for a few years, and he finally felt he had to tell you. That’s because he’s been so happy since he and I found each other. He wanted you to share in the happiness he feels.”

I stopped then to collect myself. This was hard.

“You told Micah he’d grow out of his feelings for me, Mr. O’Connor. He took that to mean you didn’t want him to be gay. Or were disappointed that he was and hoped separating us would change that. Of course, if he’s gay, that won’t change. Crushes change. But sexuality doesn’t. You certainly know that. And Micah is gay.”

I paused for just a moment, wanting him to consider that.

“Mr. O’Connor, I love Micah more than I can possibly say in words. I don’t have a large enough vocabulary, and I’m not sure anyone’s invented the words I’d need to use in any case. Micah loves me, too. I don’t know why. He’s perfect. Wonderful. I’m just me, and not much. But he does love me. And I him. Spending time apart won’t change his orientation—just his attitude and happiness.”

Mr. O’Connor opened his mouth to speak, and I rushed on before he could.

“You think I’m too young to know what I feel is love and not a crush. How do I know it’s love? With a crush, the emotions you feel are all about you. All the boys at school that have crushes talk about themselves, their feelings, how good it is to be with their crush, but never about how their crush feels. That isn’t how I am. I care about Micah more than myself. When I’m with him, I want him to be happy and try hard to be sure he is. Even when we’re making out, which we’ve just begun to do, it’s his feelings I care about much more than mine.”

I’d never spoken this much or this intensely. I needed to swallow; my throat felt dry. But I had to keep going. I needed to cough, though. I needed something. And damn, Micah knew! He got up and handed me a glass of water. How he’d thought to bring one in, I had no idea. But then, he loved me, too, and perhaps had thought ahead to what I might need. Nothing about Micah’s thoughtfulness surprised me.

“We haven’t made out much, nor been all that adventurous when we have. It’s too early for that and while we’re eager, we’re not ready for much yet. Mostly what we’ve done is kiss and hold hands. I’m not telling you this for any reason other than so you can hear this: when we’ve been fumbling around, never having done anything like that before and feeling emotions we’ve never felt before, what was on my mind was to take care of Micah. Not do anything he wouldn’t want. To be gentle. To make him feel good. I was much more aware of him and his feelings than I was of mine.”

I waited for him to respond. I thought talking about making out with Micah would make him say something. In any case, I needed a break, and if he was going to respond, it would at least tell me what was bothering him so I could speak to that.

He did speak. To Micah. “Was that what you were feeling, Micah? Caring about Scottie that much?”

Micah didn’t answer that directly. What he did say was, “We discussed what we were and weren’t going to do. Scottie was very adamant about not rushing things and agreeing on everything in advance. He wanted both of us to be sure of what we were doing and be comfortable with it. I wanted that, too.”

Mr. O’Connor looked at me, then back at Micah, who was now sitting next to him and no longer looking so upset, then to me again. “You’re both so young. And sex is a big deal with lots of emotions involved that you’re not ready to deal with. That Micah isn’t ready to deal with.”

I nodded. “I’m sure every parent feels that way, yet kids have sex, although by sex I don’t mean all-the-way sex. I mean doing stuff that eventually would lead there, but neither of us is near ready for that step. I think the simple stuff we’ll do . . . well, it’s better if it’s with someone you care deeply about and if he feels the same about you. Anyway, kids will have sex. At this stage, it’s learning about our bodies. Learning things. Learning to deal with the emotions you mentioned. I think Micah and I are ready to begin learning that, and so does Micah.

“Part of growing up at thirteen is starting to do these things. I know I’d rather learn about sex with Micah, who cares about me, than with a partner who doesn’t have any feelings for me. What we’ve done so far is basically just making out and that’s enough for both of us for now. We’re not sex fiends.”

I rushed on, although it seemed I’d been talking for hours. This wasn’t me, but it was something I cared about. “Separating us will be awful for both of us in a way that has nothing to do with sex. What we have together isn’t just or even mostly about sex. We want to be together. You say we can’t be. Again, what is the reason for that? If we’re not in love, then we’ll learn that over time. Being together now as friends is good for us and won’t make Micah any gayer.

“You told Micah that it was okay to be gay but not to act on it. Your reason seemed right to you as you thought he’d grow out of what he was feeling. But he won’t, so that reason isn’t valid. Gay is gay, and it’s for a lifetime.

“You can control his behavior at this point in his life, but you can’t control his sexual orientation. That’s fixed. By telling Micah what he can’t do, you’re telling him that one of the things boys his age do to learn about themselves and which gives them great happiness is something forbidden for him; it’s something you’re denying him.

“You’re taking away his happiness, and you’re doing it at a time most teens are just beginning to experience it. You’re preventing him from enjoying the happiness he’d have doing what his body is telling him to do in the way he wants to do it. Your reason for denying this happiness for Micah makes no sense at all to him, as his behavior will have no effect on whether he’s gay. Gay is gay. Whether you stop him from enjoying himself or don’t stop him won’t make any difference as far as his orientation goes. So why stop him from enjoying his teen years the way he wants to?”

I’d gotten through that uninterrupted, getting more intense as I spoke, because I felt it so strongly. I think I shocked Mr. O’Connor because he looked that way. I didn’t have much more to say, and so kept going, using his silence as the opportunity to finish.

“Mr. O’Connor, Micah tells me you never change your mind once you’ve made a decision. So, is that what is in effect right now, right here? Have you really made up your mind to deny Micah the ability to be who he is and to be friends with the kids he wants to be with? I’ve read about boys growing up with parents who deny them the right to be gay. Those boys often stop communicating with their families. Some become rebellious. I doubt Micah would. That’s not who he is. But he very likely would become sad and less talkative with you and his mother. He’ll keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. You’ll be cut out. He’ll most likely become a much different boy, one who’ll perhaps be sulky. The atmosphere in your home will change. Silent dinners. One-word answers when you try to draw him out. More time alone in his room. He’ll no longer be the boy he was.”

I was looking hard at him, shaking my head, and for the first time, he was having trouble meeting my eyes.

I softened my voice. “Or, here’s another picture. You give Micah the freedom to be who he is, to make the trivial mistakes all teens make and learn from, to be with the people he wants to be with, and you’ll have a different boy living with you. One who is full of laughter and confidence, spirit and happiness. One who’ll share his life with you because you support him. He’ll talk your head off, and you’ll be part of the adventure he’s having growing up. Growing up with love. You’ll be a major part of that.

“If you decide to throw it all away, I have to ask again, why? Why would you want to do that to your son? Why do that to your family? Why would you want to deny the son you love his happiness?”

I was done. Exhausted, really. And emotional. I was glad Micah was there. He stood up and took my hand and led me to the couch to sit. His dad got up and we sat together. Micah kept my hand in his. Left them together for his dad to see.

Mr. O’Connor didn’t speak. He was staring at me. It was difficult, but I met his eyes.

Finally, he turned to Micah. “Is what he said true? You’ll be that unhappy? It’ll affect the way you are with Mom and me?”

Micah nodded. Then he said, “I think so. I love Scottie. I can’t imagine seeing him at school every day and not being able to talk to him, eat lunch with him, be with him. Not being able to talk to him would be torture.”

His dad looked at Micah for a moment, then said, “I do want you to be happy, Micah. I do.” He stopped, and the room was silent.

No one spoke for over a minute. Then he asked, “Scottie makes you happy? And it isn’t just sex?”

“Absolutely. We only just began making out a few days ago, and that grew out of how we felt about each other. He’s who or what I love, not the fooling around we do. Sure, that’s great but not the reason we’re together.”

Mr. O’Connor was quiet again for a moment but then almost smiled. “You told me Scottie was the easygoing, silent type. That he didn’t speak much.”

Micah shook his head. “He probably said more to you now than he has to me since I’ve known him. He’s also very laid back and not very opinionated, easily swayed and not a bit forceful. But there is one thing I didn’t mention. When he believes in something, he goes after it with more determination and resolve than anyone I know.”

Mr. O’Connor nodded, glanced back at me, then returned to Micah. “And you’re really sure this isn’t just a crush? You’re thirteen!”

“Very sure. I love Scottie. I’ve never had these feelings before. I’ve had lots of crushes. All of them on boys. I never did anything about any of them, didn’t even try to make friends with the boys I was crushing on. I knew the crushes were just that because every one was very intense for a day or two, but then grew less so, and none of them lasted more than a week or two, and I was already crushing on another boy at the same time. What I feel for Scottie is much different. I want to be with him. Our relationship is so much more than sex. It’s not even based on sex. It’s being together that matters, and when that leads to us making out, I’d say that’s simply part of our being in love. It’s part of a healthy relationship. And you don’t need to worry about any pregnancy.” He smiled.

Damn, that was the Micah I knew and loved.

“One thing about Micah,” I jumped in. “He’d make a joke on the way to the guillotine.”

After a few more moments of silence, Mr. O’Connor smiled, too, which I thought was a very positive sign.

“Well,” he said, talking to me, “I hate to disappoint Micah, but I don’t always remain adamant about every decision I make. The one I made about Micah not acting on his current urges was made to protect him. It was what I thought was best for him. But you’ve made quite a case, Scottie, and I think at this point I’m going to withdraw my insistence you two stay apart.”

He turned his eyes to his son. “I do want you to be happy, Micah. More than anything. So, if being together is what it takes to make you happy, I can’t say no.”

He took a deep breath. “I’ll leave it up to you, Micah, to set any boundaries that you want to set. It may turn out I was right, that you’ll grow out of this. But I don’t see where it’ll hurt for you to be with Scottie till that happens, at least for now.”

≈≈ ≈≈

When I got home that night—with sore lips from too much kissing, done after Mr. O’Connor had left us alone—I sat down to write my essay for Mr. Mahoney. I finally knew what I wanted to say.

I wrote about how my life had gone this semester. About all the things that had changed, and why they’d changed. Especially about how I’d changed. I went into a lot of detail. I wrote about Micah. About Lina. About things at school. I finished it with the following:

Epilogue

We were preparing our Winter Concert in Choir. I was surprised at how good we were sounding. Miss Haliday was a very enthusiastic teacher, and because she was so supportive and complimentary, she was the sort that students wanted to please. We all listened to her and tried our best, and our best was a lot better than I’d thought it could be when we’d started.

We had several songs to sing. She told us that as this was the first concert of the year, she was going to have us sing Christmas songs in the first half, take an intermission, then sing other, non-seasonal songs in the second half. That made sense as learning the Christmas songs had been easy. We all knew the tunes, and we had music with the lyrics. I especially liked The Little Drummer Boy. It had always been a favorite of mine.

In the second half, we had more difficult songs, and we’d spent most of our time on them. I particularly liked Feed the Birds, the Mary Poppins tune. And Miss Haliday had given it a special twist.

We were all a bit nervous come show time. We didn’t have robes. We’d been told to dress the same, and do the best we could with that. The boys wore dark pants—not jeans!—dark socks, dark shoes and white dress shirts with as dark a tie as we could. The girls wore dark or black skirts or slacks and white blouses. I thought we all looked good, especially Micah with his mop of black hair that was brushed for the performance, his smiling face and sparkling, humor-filled eyes, and, oh yeah, a black tie. Of course, I’d think him beautiful in torn jeans and a flour sack shirt.

The audience was great. We sang our Christmas carols, and then Miss Haliday had the audience join us for a second singing of Silent Night. That finished the first half of the concert.

The second half went just as well, especially Feed the Birds. What Miss Haliday had done was to add a solo after the third verse, which is:

That is followed by a fourth verse that normally just continues with the entire choir singing. Instead, in Miss Haliday’s version, Micah stepped out in front of the group and sang the verse as a solo in his clear treble voice:

And then, he took the next two lines up an octave from what is normally sung:

As Micah was returning to his place in the second row, the choir then came in and finished the song.

The audience wouldn’t stop clapping till Micah stepped out front again and took a bow. I was clapping along with them.

≈≈ ≈≈

Miss Haliday stepped out onto the stage in front of the closed curtains after our performance was over. The applause slowly died till the hall was silent.

“For an encore,” she said, “I have a special treat for you. Normally, an encore is performed by the group you’ve been listening to during the performance, but this choir has sung all the music we prepared, and they’re backstage, celebrating and exhausted. We didn’t prepare for an encore. Didn’t realize we’d need one. You’ve been a wonderful audience and so, so supportive of your kids. And, as you’ve been such an appreciative audience, I do want to thank you for being here, and this is the best way I know to thank you. It’s with a special number by a very special young man. I’m sure, hearing it, you’ll agree with that.

“You showed how much you enjoyed the solo Micah O’Connor sang for you in our last number. He’s an outstanding singer, and also an outstanding young man. He has agreed to sing a song for you now, a solo, and he has told me it’s the last time he’ll ever sing it. He’s dedicating it to his father.

“Here, then, is Micah O’Connor, and I’ll be accompanying him in the Bach/Gounod version of Ave Maria.”

I was standing with Micah in the wings. He held my hand for a moment, then squeezed it and let go. He walked out onto the stage. A piano had been rolled out, and Miss Haliday was sitting at it. Micah walked to center stage, bowed as the audience clapped, then moved back next to and in front of the piano.

He turned and nodded to Miss Haliday. I couldn’t believe how composed he was!

Miss Haliday began playing the arpeggios—a word Micah had taught me—that began the piece Micah had sung for her when we’d both gone in to audition for her. She began the notes at a normal volume, then grew softer as she neared the spot where Micah would begin.

He began and sang beautifully. The pitches rose and fell, and rose again, and he hit every note with a clear, ringing voice, each note resonating. When he reached the high E, the pitch was perfect, a pure and heavenly sound, and as he held it and looked upward, it was so beautiful, he was so beautiful, I felt like crying.

When he finished, his ‘Amen’ slowly faded to nothing at all. The hall was silent, seeming stunned, and he bowed his head.

Then there was a roar. The audience was on its feet, not only clapping as hard as they could but shouting, too. Micah had been magnificent, the song emotionally moving, and the audience couldn’t hold back.

Micah stood silently with his head down and then slowly raised it. He found his father in the front row and lipped a tacit “Thank you, Dad,” to him, then gave a deep bow to the audience. Then, only then, did he slowly turn his head to look at me.

He smiled at me standing in the wings, his own Micah smile, just for me, and I was overwhelmed with joy.

The End