That Thanksgiving weekend was the best four days of my life.
Kevin came over on Friday and was welcomed into our family with hugs and smiles and laughter by both my mom and dad. He was so filled with joy he couldn’t stop laughing and smiling, and he hugged them as much as they hugged him. It was spontaneous. It was infectious. He’d be talking to my mom, and then suddenly would be hugging her, and she’d be laughing. Same with my dad. My dad is normally a little reserved, but Kevin always brought smiles to his face and a livelier sociability than when he was with anyone else. Now, Kevin would hug him, too, and dad would pretend to be stern and remind him that he was still his gym teacher, and Kevin would make a remark back that would have everyone laughing, and then Kevin would hug him again, and my dad would return the hug with true tenderness and love. And a smile. Around Kevin, there were always lots of smiles.
The two of us spent that weekend together, needing to be together, touching whenever appropriate, and when not, too.
We’d go upstairs when we needed to. My parents didn’t say anything, but I’d sometimes see a smile on their faces when we’d walk back down. I blushed. But then went back up the next time, anyway. I couldn’t get enough of Kevin. He said we were making up for lost time. I said I was just being a teenager for the first time, and trying to get it right. Practice makes perfect. We did a lot of practicing.
I felt myself relaxing. All the tension of the past few months was gone. I had Kevin now, and that was all I’d ever needed or would ever need. We would be together the rest of our lives. We both knew it. We both wanted it, and wouldn’t let anything happen to change it. He was worth fighting for, and I’d done that. He told me I was worth it, too. For the first time in perhaps forever, I was starting to think maybe that was true.
We spent some time with Becky that weekend, too. She was so happy for both of us that she got tears in her eyes. She kissed us both hard. We talked and talked. Kevin and I were sort of spacey, in love, and dreaming. She talked about practical stuff. We were with her when it was decided that Kevin would apply to Pomona, too. Right then. She made him go online and print out an application and submit it that weekend. I was sure he’d get accepted. He had higher SAT scores than I had. And was better looking. Okay, that was a joke, but I knew, if he ever got a chance to smile at an admissions officer, he’d be in.
Kevin and I slept together the entire weekend. Three nights. I said goodbye to him on Sunday afternoon, but it wasn’t terrible. I was only two hours away from him, and we’d be seeing a lot of each other. We both knew now that any separation between us was just temporary.
Dad called me over to sit with him for a few minutes before I left. He told me once again how happy he was for me. Then he said something that surprised me.
“Matt, do you remember two years ago, when you’d just broken Kevin’s wrist, and how bad you felt about it? Remember how torn up you were?”
I thought back, and could easily remember the entire thing. I remembered how I’d felt about hurting him. I even remembered how I’d felt when I’d assumed he’d make me look like a fool by paging me repeatedly, and how I didn’t think I’d be able to manage the whole school laughing at me again.
“I wasn’t sure what to do then, Matt. I knew you needed to be aware there were consequences to what you had done, but I had to balance that with what I knew you had gone through. I knew you still weren’t over that. You weren’t as confident as you should have been. You’d been an outgoing child, and now were still withdrawn into yourself.
“So when I had to come up with a punishment, it was really hard. And the way you reacted to it, I didn’t know if what I was doing was right or not. Then, when you said I was smiling because I knew I what I’d decided would cause you humiliationn, that hurt me. It really hurt me deeply. You asked about that smile, and I said it was a discussion for another time.
“I guess this is the time. Maybe you’ve forgotten all about all that, but I haven’t. I still think about you getting picked on so badly as a freshman, and about my not realizing it, and so it went on and on. When I think about what you went through, and my inability to stop it, even though I was unaware, it creates a pain inside me that doesn’t go away. And when I think about the pain I caused you by smiling when I was punishing you for Kevin’s wrist, that hurts too. But I can explain that now, and so if you ever do happen to think about it again, that pain won’t be there for you.
“Matt, both your mom and I were pretty sure you were gay. She didn’t want us to sit down and talk to you about it because she didn’t think you were ready to face it yourself yet. She knows these things better than I ever will, so I went along. I think it was probably the best thing to do. But we both were pretty sure you were gay. And of course, as you know, we loved you just the same. You were our son, and our love for you was totally independent of what your sexual orientation was.
“I worried about you in high school. Your personality had changed from when you were in middle school, probably because of what happened in your freshman year. I thought what you needed, what would help you begin to mature and grow out of your loneliness, were friends, more than anything, and maybe, when you were ready, a boyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to let you know I thought you were gay, so I certainly couldn’t talk about a boyfriend. And your mom was harping on you about friends, so I thought if I did too, it would be ganging up. However, being a dad, and loving you as much as I did, I couldn’t help myself: I was on the lookout for potential boyfriend material. I was always thinking a boyfriend would be exactly what you needed, and I couldn’t help but look at other boys with that thought in mind.
“And when I saw Kevin in gym, the first day, I noticed him. How could anyone not notice him? He had a personality that sparkled, and anyone could see he was very good looking.
“I watched him a lot, thinking that he’d be so good for you, never imagining it would happen, just thinking that his personality would be just the thing to bring you out of your shell. So I watched. I saw when he started watching you, then getting closer to you, then talking to you. I had no idea if he was gay, but I saw him getting closer to you, and I thought about what might be happening. And I hoped.
“Then we played Duck Duck Goose, and you knocked him down, and I had to punish you for that, and when I did, I couldn’t help think that now you two had a reason to be together, and that perhaps I could jumpstart it with the pagers. I couldn’t help but wonder, if he paged you, and you went to him, would I be helping push you two together? Could I be helping you in a way you weren’t even aware of? And when I thought it, I smiled.”
This was all a complete surprise to me, and my face probably made that very evident. My mouth wasn’t hanging open or anything, but my surprise had to show on my face. “So you knew I was gay, back then? You wanted me to get together with Kevin?”
He smiled, a big smile. “Yep. I’ve got pretty good taste in boyfriends, huh?”
I gave him a huge hug then, and said in his ear as I was doing so, “I love you, Dad.”
“Me too, Matt. I love you, too.”
He looked at me with his huge brown eyes. Deep eyes. Expressive eyes that allowed you to look into his soul. Becky’s eyes.
“So that’s it? That’s how you met Kevin and fell in love with him? And discovered you were gay?”
“That’s how. That’s the story you wanted to hear.”
He was still looking at me. He didn’t have the problem meeting other people’s eyes the way I had when I was 16. Watching him, I saw his innate mischievousness creep into his eyes. “What happened on Kevin’s bed, when you told him you weren’t losing him to Timothy or anyone else. What happened then?”
His mischievousness was as appealing as ever. He was so hard to resist. My love for him was boundless.
“I already talked about sex way too much here, Ben. I don’t want to corrupt you.”
“Just like you didn’t want to corrupt Kevin, huh? Anyway, I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Ben?! Are you telling me you’ve already been corrupted?” My smile matched his. We had the same smile.
“Sons aren’t supposed to discuss their sex lives with their dads, Dad. I think it’s a rule or something. Plus it saves them some grief. They tend to be embarrassed and jealous because they waited longer than we do now.”
I ignored that. “But it’s okay if I go into the sordid details of what Kevin and I did on his bed that morning?”
“Sure. Dads are supposed to teach their sons about sex.”
“Only in an academic sort of way. And I already did that when you were 10.”
“I was 11, Dad.”
“Okay, so I was nervous and waited too long. It isn’t easy doing that. Wait till you have to. You’ll see.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, all you told me were the facts. What you’ve been telling me now is a lot more exciting than that was. This is real stuff.”
I looked at him, looked at the smile on his face. “Ben, you’re just having fun here at my expense, aren’t you? You probably think of me as being an old, old man, but I’m not too old to remember how it was when I was your age. I remember distinctly not wanting to even think about Mom and Dad having sex. It was gross, thinking about that, and made me feel funny inside. I’m sure you don’t ever want to think about Kevin and me having sex.”
“Ewwwww! No, I don’t. That is disgusting, and . . . NO! But this was when you were kids. If I think about a couple kids rolling around on a bed, that’s kind of exciting. Actually, that’s kind of hot. I just need to forget that they were you guys.”
He was smiling when he said that, and my suspicions were he was still trying to tease me. I smiled back at him, shook my head, and didn’t say a word.
He realized I wasn’t going to talk about that any longer, so refocused. He said, “Anyway, you’ve only told me the part about you meeting and falling in love, and becoming a couple, and I want to hear the rest. You said you’d answer all my questions.”
Ben had asked me about my realizing I was gay, about getting to know and falling in love with Kevin, and about how we’d gotten together with Becky. He also had asked Becky, not Kevin or I, which one of us was his biological father, so I knew he was interested in that, too. He’d asked me about Kevin and I being gay when he was 10, and when he was 13, he wanted to know about us becoming a couple and his fathers. I’d told him I’d tell him when he was sixteen. He’d celebrated his sixteenth birthday yesterday.
“I told you, your other dad has to be here for the part of the story where you come into it. Anyway, I’m not sure you’re ready for the rest of it, the part about Becky and you. Why don’t we wait a couple more years?”
“You promised!”
“Yeah, you did,” said Becky. She was sitting on the chair next to us, grinning. Ben and I were on the couch. We all lived in the house I’d grown up in. Dad and Mom had sold it to us and moved to a smaller place when Mom had retired and sold her practice and Dad had reached mandatory retirement age. They still lived here in the city, but they’d felt this house was a lot more suited to our needs than theirs; it was more house than they needed or wanted to take care of. It was just right for us.
Becky grinned at me. She still loved making my life difficult. She still had the same gleam in her eyes now that she’d had when I’d first eaten lunch with her, all those years ago.
“See? Mom heard you. It’s two against one. Now tell me.”
“Okay, okay. Jeeeze! But you’ll have to wait till Kevin gets here for your last question. It’s his story as much as mine, and we agreed he’d talk to you about that.”
“Okay, tell me the rest, but start with what happened that Thanksgiving, when you were kids. You said it was the beginning.”
Becky grinned at me. “Aw, I still want to hear about what you did on the bed. Tell him about that.”
Ben made a face, and I said, laughing, “Shut up, Becky. Ben, don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you about any sex stuff. I regret the other sex stuff I told you about. I just got caught up in the story, and it was part of that. An important part, but I shouldn’t have told you. Any more than you tell me what you’re up to with your friends.”
Ben had a thankful smile on his face. Becky wasn’t easily embarrassed and her grin confirmed that. I knew Ben hadn’t wanted any details, really, and I was just as glad as he was to avoid that. He did have more to say, however.
“I’m glad you did finally get out of bed. Grandma probably had a big dinner fixed, and it would have been a shame if you’d been too exhausted to go eat it. It being Thanksgiving and all.”
I tickled him. He had it coming for that ‘exhausted’ comment.
At 16, he was almost as big as I was, but he still acted like a kid a lot of the time, and watching him wriggle and writhe under my probing fingers, I was reminded of so many times, as he was growing up, that the same thing had happened, and he had screamed the same scream, of pleasure and fear. His scream was deeper now, that was the only difference. His dark blond hair flew around his head as he tried to jerk away from me. He was as beautiful as Kevin had been at his age. I stopped tickling and hugged him. I felt emotional, even if he didn’t. The story had brought back many memories, and the many feelings I’d had back then that hadn’t been lost in the intervening years.
“Okay,” I said. “What happened next, then. Kevin and I talked, and we convinced each other that we weren’t going to let my being at college for one year make any difference to us at all. He was accepted at Pomona and joined me there the next year. We roomed together from then on.
“We both graduated from Pomona, him one year behind me. I then transferred to Stanford for my graduate work, and he got accepted into their Law School when he graduated.
“I got a job as a teacher for a year while Kevin was finishing his law degree; he graduated first in his class, and to do that at Stanford, you have to be really smart and really dedicated, and he passed the California bar exam on his first try. Not all that many do. I became a teacher, then principal at a middle school and he got a job at a law firm, both in the same city. We weren’t going to be apart any more. There are lots of schools and lots of law firms, and we knew if we tried hard enough, we could both get hired in the same city.
“We were still in contact with your mom all the time. We both were her best friend, and she was ours. She’d become a lawyer, too, just like her father. I told Becky and Kevin that it was because of me they were successful lawyers. It was because I’d gotten them together, and then taught them how to dispute things at lunch every day in high school, and how the practice they’d had arguing with each other then had resulted in them being able to argue so effectively now before a judge. They both ignored me. You’ve seen how they do that. Nothing has changed.”
Ben laughed when I said that in a voice with obviously faked disappointment in it. I laughed too, and Becky just shook her head, smiling as she did.
“But then, one day,” I continued, “your mom told us about an opening in her law firm, which was actually her dad’s firm; he was a partner there. She also said there was an opening for a principal at the same middle school that I’d attended. We both applied for those jobs, and we both got them. We moved back home.
“Kevin became the star litigator at his firm, and was made a partner before he was thirty. It was a couple of years after that, but when Mr. Cochran retired, I applied for his position at our old high school, and was successful. My dad was still the gym teacher. I was now his boss. Some people thought that wasn’t right, and some people liked to tease him about that, but the two of us both liked it. You know grandpa. He thought it was funny.”
Ben indeed knew his grandpa. And his grandma. They both adored Ben. The three of them were very close. Ben spent a lot of time with them, especially when he was younger and needed supervision after school each day.
“So anyway, I began work as a high school principal, and Kevin was getting a name for himself as a lawyer. We had an apartment together. We’d been together for several years. Things were going well for us, but not because of my job, or his. We had a nice apartment, but I think we could have lived in a tent in the rain and it would have been perfect because we had each other. He was the love of my life, and if I had him, I had everything I wanted or needed.
“He might have felt the same way about me.”
“He did.” That was from Becky, and she wasn’t laughing. Her voice was emphatic.
“So we were living together, loving each other, and your mom was spending a lot of time with us. We’d both tried—.” I stopped. I looked at Becky. “Maybe you should tell this part.”
She sat up a little straighter in her chair, then stood and walked over to the couch. She sat down next to Ben. He looked at her, and saw the emotion in her face, and scuttled over next to her.
“Ben, I’ve loved three men in my life. Totally loved them. Three. Matt, Kevin, and you. I’ve had boyfriends, but none of them came close to being anything like Matt and Kevin. I didn’t feel for those others what I felt for your dads, and I finally realized I’d never be happy marrying any one of them. I also knew I couldn’t be with either Matt or Kevin. I wanted to be, I loved them both, but they had each other and I wasn’t going to try to interfere with that. I couldn’t interfere with that. But I wouldn’t be happy with anyone else, either.
“Your dads were so happy back then when they were just finding their first career successes and had already found each other. I didn’t know anyone could love someone the way they did each other. I loved them, and I loved being with them, feeling the love coming from them. They liked me, maybe even loved me a little.”
I broke in there. “Ben, we more than liked her. We were great, Kevin and I, alone together, but when we were with Becky, life was more interesting and exciting somehow. We’d come through high school that way, the three of us together, and we picked up like we’d never been apart when we came back here. She made our life better. Still does.”
Becky was looking at me with her deep, dark eyes, and right then, looking at her sitting inches from Ben, the resemblance was remarkable.
“I think what Matt was starting to say was that he tried, and Kevin tried, to find someone for me. I knew it wasn’t going to work, but I humored them. After each date, I’d come over and flop on their couch and grouse about how the current man left me wanting. I’d end up sleeping on their couch then. I spent so much time with them that one night they showed me where they’d cleaned out their office and made it into a bedroom for me, and told me I might as well move in and save the money I was spending on my own apartment. I did it. I wanted to be as close as possible to the men I loved.”
She stopped then and looked at Ben, then at me, and I saw why. We’d answered about all his questions now. We’d told him about realizing I was gay, and about my getting together with Kevin, and about how Becky came to live with us. The only thing we hadn’t spoken about was who his biological father was. I had known at some point he’d want to know that. Any boy would.
I took over for her. “Ben, Kevin is due home any time now. He needs to be here when we answer your last question. We need to wait for him.”
“Okay,” he said.
I thought he’d get up then, but he didn’t. He was leaning against his mother, but when he saw my eyes focused on him, he reached out his hand to me, and I took it. I held on to it, and he seemed content to simply sit that way, one hand in mine, his body against his mother, while we all waited.
I used the time to remember Ben’s conception, and the events that led to it . . .
Becky and Kevin and I had been supremely happy, living in that apartment together. Our lives were full of laughter. Kevin and Becky still fought like tigers, grinning tigers, and made preposterous statement and stretched logic to its limits, trying to beat the other with argument and cunning, often lying through their teeth, and I laughed so hard I cried at times.
My nights with Kevin were heaven. Our love for each other consumed us and was transcendent. Kevin had been right all along, even when he was 14. Sex just made everything better.
We were happy, and contented, but both Kevin and I were concerned about Becky. We thought she should have a man in her life. She told us she already had two, and each was better than any other man alive.
I kidded her once, only once, when we were alone. I told her it wasn’t possible for her to love both of us the same, that she must love one of us just a little more than the other. I was teasing and expected a sarcastic rejoinder to come back at me; heaven knows, she was an expert at that. But I must have caught her at just the right moment, or the wrong one, because that wasn’t what I got. Instead, I got an enigmatic smile from her. She looked at me without saying a word, and gave me that smile, then got up and went into the other room. I never said anything like that again.
Kevin and I finally stopped setting her up with dates. She seemed happy, just living with the two of us. But we never stopped feeling a little guilty. We thought we had complete lives and didn’t think she did. We wanted her to have what we had. She never complained; she told us everything was perfect, just as it was.
But then, once when we were eating dinner in a restaurant, I saw her eyes linger on a baby at the next table. And it hit me. I waited till we were home, the three of us, and I asked her if she regretted not having a child.
We were honest with each other. You can’t live with people you love and not be honest. The love dies without honesty. She didn’t answer my question right away, but not answering was another way not to be honest, so she finally did. She said she’d been feeling that way for about a year, that she wanted a baby. She trivialized it, said it was just a biological urge, and would go away in time, and that she was ignoring it and we should too.
When we were in bed that night, I discussed it with Kevin. I asked him what he thought about having a baby in the house. He asked me what I thought. We both thought the same. We both felt raising a child, our child, would make our perfect lives even better. And if it was Becky’s child, better would become best.
We were a threesome, and a partnership in everything but sex. We weren’t going to discuss this without her, and the next morning we did. We did a lot of talking. She immediately changed; a baby had been impossible, and so she’d trivialized her wish for one. Now that we were discussing one and it was something that we all wanted, her wish was suddenly a need. Her enthusiasm became fervor.
We just had to work out the details. And there were certainly those to discuss.
They were long discussions, and a lot of energy and passion went into them, and because it was us, a lot of humor, too. And when we’d decided, there was even more love than there had been before.
Becky had matured, like Kevin and I had. She didn’t talk about sex much and certainly not like she had in high school, and never stuck her head in the bathroom to take a peek when we were showering. That was the stuff of teenagers. I didn’t know if she was still curious about what we looked like naked. She probably was. I was curious about her. We were healthy young adults. Kevin and I were both sad that she didn’t have a healthy sex life. We’d seldom talked about it with her, but when we had, she’d said she was fine without it. She said living with the two of us was the trade off, and it was one she’d make every day of the week, and never regret.
But, during our discussions of the baby, and making it, this and all aspects of sex came up. They had to. She said she wasn’t a virgin, but that she hadn’t had a lot of experience. And she admitted she was curious about us. We admitted we were about her, too. And we decided that curiosity was going to be satisfied.
Because we all wanted the baby to be our baby. All three of ours. We talked about how we’d do that. We planned it. Even though we knew the biological facts of making a baby, we were more interested in the emotional ones, and the emotional ties that would be involved in making one. We discussed it, and agreed on it. And one night, we did it. I remembered that part very clearly.
Making a baby is supposed to be a hit or miss proposition, and the odds of conception were never supposed to be high from one coupling. We didn’t feel that way. We felt like we’d made love and a child that night, and we all believed it. If love mattered, this had to have worked. Because what we’d done had been all about love.
We’d decided—it was one of the things we’d spoken of in advance—that we’d do this once, only once. If it didn’t work, we’d find a different method. We would try again with our sperm intermingled, but it would be in a doctor’s office. We all felt one time doing this was right, but that would be it.
We hadn’t needed to. From our one time together, both of us entering Becky seconds apart and both at the point of orgasm, Ben had been created.
Ben had been the joy of Becky’s life. Kevin and I sort of liked him, too. Okay, Kevin and I loved him more than we’d known was possible. We’d all raised him. He was our kid. He managed to do just what we’d thought he would: as Becky had done for Kevin and me, he made all our perfect lives better.
He was a handsome child and an even more striking young man. He had dark blond hair, a sort of compromise between my medium brown color and Kevin’s blond. His face resembled Becky’s more than either of ours. His build was slim, and it was only because of his wrestling he’d filled out. In his early teens, his body had been like Kevin’s had been. And mine.
He had my smile, and my nature. He worried more than he should. I teased him about it, and he laughed when I did. He laughed a lot, more than I ever had. My love for him was absolute. My pride in him, too.
He was smart, almost scary smart. I told him he got that from Kevin. Kevin told him he got it from me. Becky grinned and stayed silent, but there was no doubt in any of us that she’d contributed, too. How much and from whom? We didn’t have a clue. No wonder the kid was confused.
The truth was, we didn’t know who his biological father was. We’d never gotten him tested, never had wanted to. He was ours . . . .
We all heard the door open, then, and the sound of keys hitting the bowl we kept them in, and then Kevin was standing in the room, looking at us on the couch, and a grin, Kevin’s grin, the grin I’d fallen in love with, was on his face.
“That looks a little crowded. What’s wrong with the chairs?”
Ben said, “They’re holding me captive, Dad. Matt was tickling me.” He faked a whiny voice. Ben actually was as far from a whiny kid as was imaginable.
I laughed. Ben’s personality seemed to change whenever Kevin was with him. When he was alone with me, he was more serious. His playful side seemed to be enhanced by Kevin’s presence.
“Ben, you were captain of the wrestling team this year. If you can’t escape from those two, why’d you spend all that time on the mats?”
I put my arm around Ben’s shoulders. “Kevin, I’ve just finished telling him everything he wanted to know. We just didn’t answer his final question. Your timing is perfect, just like always. Why don’t you join us over here?”
Kevin crossed the living room and before dropping into a chair next to us, kissed me. He did that a lot. “My turn, huh?” he asked with a grin when he was seated.
I nodded at him, feeling relieved. This would be difficult, but I trusted him.
He focused his eyes on Ben. His look could be intimidating. Kevin had grown into a strong man. I thought back to him as a cocky teen, challenging me, and also deferring to me when it was right to. I thought of him that day our life together really began, in his bedroom on that Thanksgiving vacation long ago when we’d committed ourselves to each other, and how he’d been so sad and diminished when I’d first come in, how he’d looked, sitting slumped on his bed, staring into his lap. He’d been anything but strong then. Love had resurrected him. Love had let him grow into what he now was, a secure and confident and successful man. A supremely happy man.
His focus on Ben wasn’t intimidating, however. It was riveting and total, and Ben was drawn into it. It was a loving focus, and consuming.
“Ben, you know how much you’re loved. And I know you love us just as much. We’re a family, a true family. I’m your dad, and Matt’s your dad, and Becky’s your mom, and you’re our son. And I want you to think about this before I answer your question. If I answer your question, and you find out one of us is your biological father and one of us isn’t, will that affect all of us? Do you think you’ll still feel like you do now? Now, we’re both your fathers, totally and equally. Finding out what you’re asking might change how you feel, even if just a little. Is that what you want?
“Or instead, do you want to know you are loved not because either of us created you, but because of who you are? How you got made isn’t really part of you, it’s part of us. We three all created you, consciously and knowingly, but that’s not the reason we love you. You’re who you are, and we love you for that. You’re the most loveable boy any of us has ever known. How you were made isn’t as important as the fact we’ve loved you every day since you were born, and every day we loved you more than anyone ever could love a boy, and the next day, we loved you even more than we did the day before. That’s what’s important. We all love you, and that love is never-ending and invincible.”
He paused then, letting those words find their home. His eyes continued to hold Ben’s.
When he continued, he said, “Ben, you’re just learning about sex, and your awareness of it is a young person’s awareness. Just like people are all different, and all filled with complexities, so are love and sex. As you continue to grow up, you’ll learn more about people, and about love and about sex. You’ll learn as you grow, and because you’re the boy you are, you’ll be receptive to what you learn, and you’ll accept the differences in people and the ways they do things.
“You’ve already had to accept that you don’t come from a traditional family. And you haven’t just accepted that, you’ve taken advantage of it. You’ve grown stronger from the people who have teased you because of it. You’ve learned from it, and defended other kids who’ve had a different upbringing, and who are different themselves. We’re so proud of you we feel like shouting to the world, ‘Look at our son, look at Ben!’ No one could be prouder of their boy than we are. No one could love their child more.
“That’s how you were created, Ben. With love. And that’s what you should think about and remember. You were created with love, you grew up with love, and you’ll have it till the day we die.”
Ben stumbled out of the deep cushions of the couch and ran to his father and fell into his embrace. Then we were in a group embrace on the living room floor. Tears were shed, but not for long. There was too much love and laughter in that house for the mood to remain somber for long.
Maybe Kevin hadn’t really answered Ben’s question. But he’d satisfied him, and reinforced the feeling of love that filled our family. I’d known Kevin would have the perfect answer.
“Dr. Tucker?”
As I was swiveling around to answer her, I already knew she had someone with her. She called me Matt when we were alone. I’d told her she could call me that anytime, but she did things her way. She’d been doing things her way for more years than it would be polite of me to numerate. Best secretary I’d ever had.
“Dr. Tucker, this is Spencer Colliers. Mr. Curtis sent him up to see you.”
“Thanks, Marjorie.” Even though I was speaking to her, I was looking at the boy. From his face, I’d have guessed he was 13, maybe 14. Definitely a freshman. You could always tell from the body language, if nothing else. From his height, however, I wasn’t sure of his age. He was almost as tall as I was. Very slender, though. And cute.
I walked out from behind my desk to meet him. I didn’t like to have a desk between me and the kids I talked to.
Marjorie left, softly closing the door behind her and I stuck out my hand to him, knowing young guys didn’t much like that but also knowing he would understand I respected him if I shook hands with him. He rather hesitantly took my hand and we shook.
“Spencer or Spence?” I asked.
“Either, sir,” he said. His high-pitched voice suggested 13 rather than 14 and seemed incongruous in his long and lanky body.
“What does your best friend call you?” I asked with a chuckle.
He heard the chuckle and grinned. “He calls me Tiny.” He paused a moment, then said, “It’s a long story.”
It seemed he was more at ease now. Good. “Maybe you’ll tell me someday. But if I can’t get you to tell me what you’d like me to call you, if you’re too wily and onto my tricks, I’m just going to call you Spencer. I like that name, so I’ll use it.
“Please, let’s sit down, Spencer.”
He did, and I sat near him in a chair I turned so we could see each other comfortably. I gave him a moment to settle in. Even though I’d loosened him up enough so he’d grinned, he still was nervous. Almost every kid who came to my office was nervous. I’d learned how to put them at ease, and could usually do so, except the very shy ones.
He didn’t seem shy. That was good. It was a lot harder to get shy kids to tell me anything. It took longer. I liked the look of Spencer. I thought maybe he’d really talk to me.
I asked him why we were meeting, what had happened in gym. Mr. Curtis was our gym teacher, new this year. I didn’t know him as well as I would.
“I was in gym class and Mr. Curtis told us we were going to play Duck Duck Goose. I didn’t like that. It’s a kids’ game. The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want to do it.”
He stopped then. I saw him firm his shoulders. He had some determination in him. Then he went on, saying, “I thought that other kids would laugh at me. I thought about what I’d look like, trying to jump up and run around a circle, chasing some littler kid. I’m already a freak. I’m way taller than everyone else my age, I don’t run very well, and some of the guys make fun of that. I knew I’d look silly. I got to thinking about that, and about what the guys would say, and I told Mr. Curtis I wasn’t going to play. He said some things, and I did too, and, well, here I am.”
He looked down into his lap then. I watched a moment, but didn’t see any shaking of the shoulders, any trembling. He wasn’t going to cry. Sometimes boys did. This one wasn’t like that at all.
He had brought back memories. I couldn’t help but remember a kid having similar feelings about playing that same game a long, long time ago. Almost 30 years ago now. If anyone could empathize with what Spencer had been thinking about and worrying about, I was that guy.
I thought about what he’d said and knew there was something more important to talk about here than gym class.
It was better to approach some subjects obliquely. “Spencer, do you think it might be good if the next time you have gym, you went and apologized to Mr. Curtis? I don’t know what he said to you, but I do know him a little, and he likes kids. He has a good reputation. He might feel as badly about this as you do. Would apologizing be something you could consider?”
He did consider it. He sat there, looking into his lap for a moment, then looked up at me wearing a grin, a sort of lopsided grin that made him even cuter.
“I probably should do that. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just worried about playing that game.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Then I said, “I don’t want to embarrass you, but you’re a good looking boy. And you’ve got some spunk. I really like that. Let me tell you, Spencer, you’re not even close to being a freak. You’re someone that other kids will look at and say, ‘I wish I could be like Spencer.’ Even if they don’t say it today, they will, and soon. You’re no freak, Spencer. I’m sure your parents would tell you that, if they knew you thought that. Have you told them you think that?”
“It’s only Dad and me. No, I haven’t told him. We don’t talk much. He’s too busy.”
He looked down after saying that. His voice had changed. He’d spoken with some confidence to me, even after admitting he might have spoken rudely to the gym teacher. Talking about his dad, he wasn’t so confident any more.
I waited, and he soon looked up again. I smiled at him. “You know, Spencer, I can’t help but think how familiar your name is. You wouldn’t happen to be related to Brent Colliers, would you?”
“He’s my dad.”
“Aha! Well, Spencer, I happen to know your dad. That probably doesn’t surprise you, the high school principal knowing the head of the school board. But I don’t know him just because of that. I knew him when we were both about the age you are now.”
At that, his eyes opened a little wider, and a little more life came into him. “Really, sir?”
“Yep. We weren’t friends, not at first, but we became sort of friends. He saved my life.”
That made him sit up straight. “He did? Really?” I had his full attention now.
“Well, maybe. I always thought of it like he did. He protected me when I was in trouble and could have, might have been killed. Did you know he was a great ping-pong player?”
He looked surprised. I saw several emotions cross his face. Then he said, “He’s awfully busy. His company takes a lot of his time, and then the school board meets at night. I don’t see him much.” I could hear something in his voice. I could read it in his posture, too. I saw this all the time, kids whose parents didn’t have time for them. It was even harder on the kids when it was only a single parent they had to rely on.
“So you don’t spend much time with him, Spencer?” I asked, gently.
“No. I wish . . .” He stopped and looked down again.
I waited, but he didn’t look back up. Finally, I told him, “I have a phone call I need to make, Spencer. Could you just sit there for a moment? Sorry to interrupt our talk.” I stepped to my desk and picked up the phone, and when Marjorie answered, I asked her to get Brent Colliers on the phone for me. Spencer looked a little surprised when he heard the name, and then fidgeted.
When my phone rang, I answered and heard Brent’s deep voice saying, “No, you can’t have any more money. Put a written request in next year’s budget.” And then a laugh.
“Brent, good to hear from you. Thanks for taking my call.”
“Any time, Matt. What’s up?”
“I’ve got a young boy in my office. Dark brown hair, intelligent eyes, very good looking, someone who thinks he’s too tall for his age but who looks just right to me.” I was watching Spencer as I said this, peripherally, and his body language seemed to relax a little in his chair. I smiled, turning a little more away from him so he wouldn’t see my grin and misinterpret it.
“You’ve got Spencer in there? What’s wrong?” There was concern in Brent’s voice now.
“Nothing, really, but I think the three of us should go to lunch, talk about some things. I’m sure you can break away, can’t you?”
“I’ve got a meeting downtown for lunch.”
“And I think you can get out of it for your son, can’t you?”
There was a pause, and then he said, “Of course, if you think it’s important.” This was his businessman’s voice, more serious, less social.
“I think it’s the most important thing you can do today, Brent.”
He must have heard something of the steel I put in my voice because with no more hedging we made plans for lunch. After hanging up, I turned back to Spencer and said, “You want to hear about the greatest ping-pong game ever played?”
“Yeah,” he said, looking eager. “Was my dad in it?
So I told him. Only this time, Brent won that game. And I was planning, after I spoke to Brent alone after lunch, for him and Spencer to both win something a lot more important today than that long ago game. They were going to win more time together. I knew how to do this. I’d been in this same situation before, and knew how to do it. This time, it would be easier, because I knew Brent. He was a good man. He’d simply got too wrapped up in his job and civic responsibilities. He hadn’t realized how much his son needed his time, too. Especially at this age. A freshman boy in high school really needs the support of his father.
I could have had that from mine, more than I had had when I’d so desperately needed it if I’d only asked for it. Spencer didn’t know how to do that either. I was going to do it for him. I’d make sure Brent would respond. And I’d check back to see it was continuing.
Driving to lunch that day, with an eager and happy Spencer sitting next to me, I couldn’t help but think how strange this was. How strange that the outgrowth of that silly game out on the school grounds could do this. That it could result in this young boy getting closer to what he really needed now, his father. And that it had brought me what I most valued in my life. Ben. And Becky. And Kevin. For me, there’d always be Kevin.
The End