Kevin was excited. I was too, but he always showed his emotions more openly than I did.
“How much money are you going to bring?”
“We won’t need much. Any food we eat in restaurants, my parents will cover. They’ll pay any park fees, too. I suppose you could bring some just to have. I don’t know what we’d be spending it on.”
“So how much are you going to bring,” he asked me again.
“Probably $40 or $50. But I don’t expect to spend much of it. Maybe none at all.”
We were up in my room. This had been the last day of the summer park program. He’d already finished summer school. He didn’t have his grades yet, but had told me he was sure he’d passed everything, and in fact had aced every class. He said he’d be a junior next year.
I’d told him congratulations. He’d said he wanted less congratulating and more messing around. I’d ignored him. I loved lying on the bed talking to him. But it was always difficult.
John had called me into his office that afternoon after I’d said goodbye to all my kids. That had been a little sad. I’d had some really great kids, and I’d become attached to all of them. They all had different personalities, but they’d learned to mesh them so they all got along great, which made the summer so much easier, and more fun. I’d hugged them all, and some of them had teared up. I hadn’t. It surprised me I hadn’t. But it had been emotional. I’d formed attachments with all of them. John had told me I’d done a great job, and hoped I’d come back next summer. He’d told me I had a great rapport with kids and a natural leadership ability that would take me far. He’d said the reading program I’d started would be continued even if I didn’t come back, and that it had been the high point of the summer.
I’d thanked him, both for taking a chance on me and for all the support he’d given me. I’d told him I’d learned a lot. I’d said I had no idea what I’d be doing next summer, but that I’d loved my job this summer and might well want to do it again. I’d shaken hands with him, and as I was leaving, he’d said that if I ever needed someone for a job or school reference, he’d love to help me out. I’d thanked him, and that had been it. I’d finished my first job ever. I felt really good about it, too. I thought I’d done a good job.
Kevin had eaten dinner with us. He’d done that fairly often this summer. He was a happy, impish kid with a keen sense of humor, and I’d about decided that being around my parents as much as he now was, they probably loved him more than they did me. He was a lot cuter than I was and livelier. He wasn’t as introspective as I was and didn’t brood as much. As much as I worried about things, he just went ahead and did them. He was talkative and outgoing. If I were a parent, I’d love him more, too.
“What time do you want me here tomorrow?”
“Early. Dad always wants to leave early. He says we miss rush hour traffic that way, but it seems to me we always just end up in it. You ought to stay over tonight so there’s no waiting for you. You know you’re always late for everything.”
“I’m never late! What are you talking about?”
“I just hate waiting for you all the time.”
“You never wait! Oh, wait, I get it. You want me to sleep over so you can have your filthy way with my innocent young body. You know we won’t have the chance sleeping in that small camper with your parents only inches away from us, and you don’t think you can last a whole week with me right there next to you, so you want to do stuff tonight.”
I snorted. “Yeah, you wish! You’re the horndog, not me.”
“Uh huh.” He reached down and pressed his hand against my crotch. Unfortunately, as soon as he’d started talking about this, I’d become hard. “Hah! I knew it!”
“Don’t get your hopes up. I’m a healthy young teenager. I get hard a lot. But you don’t see me getting it on with anyone. I know how to control myself.”
“Yeah, that’s the trouble with you. You control yourself way too much. It isn’t natural.”
“We’ve already had this conversation. But what I said before? That’s a good idea. Why don’t you get your stuff and stay here tonight? You’re all packed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Okay, I’ll call my mom and have her bring my suitcase over.”
“You don’t need to go home for anything? Not even your toothbrush?”
“Hey, we’re going camping. Roughing it. I thought I’d just skip brushing my teeth for a
week.”
“And you were planning on sleeping with me? Without brushing?”
He laughed. “I’m kidding. Okay, I’ll go home. I think you just want time to jack off.”
“I’ll have my dad drive us. I’ll go with you. So you’ll know that’s not it at all.”
Which is what we did. My dad and his mom talked while we made sure he had everything he needed. He was only 14. 14-year-olds forget a lot of stuff. It was a good thing I went along.
◊ ◊
The camper was one of those fold-up ones that we pulled behind the car. It took us eight hours of solid driving to get to the campsite in Yosemite. We stopped to pick up lunches, getting them to go, and ate as we drove. Because we left at six in the morning, it was mid-afternoon when we arrived. We pulled into our reserved campsite and Kevin and I helped set up the camper. Dad and I had practiced this at home after he’d rented it and knew pretty well how to do it, so it didn’t take us very long. It had a small kitchen which we’d stocked; that had been Mom’s job. It also had two pull-out sides and each had a double mattress that folded down once the sides had been extended. Dad and Mom would sleep on one, Kevin and I on the other. We each had a curtain across our doorways for privacy.
We’d talked in the car on the way to the park. Kevin and I wanted to hike and explore the park. Dad and Mom wanted to just laze around. Mom wanted the time to relax after the long year of counseling sessions she had performed, and Dad wanted to decompress, too. So they were going to do some very casual and easy hiking right around the camper, and just kick back and read some books they’d been saving up and maybe talk to other old people camping near our site. Kevin and I would spend the days exploring the park on foot.
It was too late to do much but look around our campsite by the time we got everything set up that day. Kevin and I walked to a ranger station and got some maps showing some of the hiking trails in the park and some advice about how far we could go and still get back to the camper on the same day, and we had the ranger suggest some trails to try.
Mom grilled some steaks for dinner on the portable barbecue we’d brought, and we were all ravenous from the smell by the time they were done cooking. We sat outside to eat. The weather was perfect, in the high 70’s. We ate and talked, and when it was time for bed, we were all ready.
Mom and Dad went in first. I pulled Kevin some distance away from the camper so we could talk without being overheard.
“Kev, we’ll be sleeping together and Mom and Dad will be about ten feet away. You’re going to be good, aren’t you? Please?”
“Yeah, I’ll be good. It’ll be hard. You will be too.” He grinned at me.
I ignored that. “Okay. Just don’t embarrass either of us. I’m going to trust you. And you’re going to show me you’re old enough to handle this.” As soon as I said that, I knew I should have chosen other words, but then, I thought it might be a test for him, too.
His eyes sparkled, and I knew he had a comeback ready, so I said, “Kevin . . .” in a cautionary tone, and he just smiled, and didn’t say anything more.
We went inside and in the tiny space we had, undressed. I stopped with my boxers on. He took his off. We got into bed, and pulled the sheet over us. We were facing each other. He looked at me and his eyes were full of emotion. He leaned over to me and kissed me on the lips, a soft and tender kiss that he held for a moment. Then he sighed, and rolled over on his side with his back to me. I looked at it, and thought, the hell with it, and curled up against him, spooning him.
“Good night, Kev,” I said softly. “You do know I love you, don’t you?”
“Me too,” he whispered back. Then he took my arm I’d draped over him and pulled it down. I resisted at first, but he was implacable, and I was curious to see what he wanted. I let him pull my hand down to his crotch. He was hard. He put my hand on it. Reluctantly but eagerly, feeling both emotions together, I wrapped my fingers around it, but didn’t move my hand. He put his hand around mine, holding my fingers in place, then very slowly, very carefully took his hand away, letting me know he didn’t want me to remove my hand. He waited a few seconds, then sighed again. This time, however, the sigh wasn’t a sigh of yearning; it was a sigh of contentment. I wriggled slightly into a more comfortable position, spooning him so as to achieve as much contact I could get of my skin against his, and still holding him in my arms, and in my hand, drifted off to sleep.
◊ ◊
We had hiked for two solid hours and were both feeling it. We came out of the trees and stopped.
“There it is,” I said.
“Awesome!”
Tenaya Lake lay before us. The mountains surrounding it and the green pines, the clear water and blue sky—it was just as Kevin had said. Awesome.
We worked our way down to the edge. We were both hot from the hike. The water looked so, so refreshing. No one was around. We hadn’t seen anyone since we’d left the campsite after breakfast.
“I’m going to go swimming,” Kevin stated, and dropped his backpack.
“You brought your suit?”
“Who needs a suit? No one’s here.”
“But someone might come.”
“Then they’ll get to see a handsome young boy and learn what one’s supposed to look like.”
“Kevin!”
He laughed. “You going to join me?
“I don’t think so.”
“Okay. You can worry about what might be, and I’ll cool off and swim in this perfect water.”
He stripped naked, turned to me so I could get a good look, the bastard, then walked down and into the water. He sank all the way to his shoulders, then said, “Ah, this is wonderful.”
A smile of contentment crossed his face.
“The hell with it,” I said, then started shucking my clothes as fast as I could. When I was as naked as he was, I yelled, “Watch out,” and ran to the water and leaped in, trying to come as close to him as I could.
“Fuck!” I screamed. The water had to be about 32.1 degrees! It wasn’t just cold, it was like liquid ice!
Kevin laughed like a hyena. “I was hoping you’d come in. I didn’t want to be the only one freezing his balls off.” That said, he quickly made his way back to the shore and climbed out. I thought of staying in to spite him, but the water was just too cold. I was already getting numb. I got out right behind him.
We were freezing, and realized we didn’t have a towel. Or anything else to dry off on. We had stuff in our backpacks, but it was mostly food and water and maps and hiking stuff.
Kevin had his arms wrapped around himself and was sort of hopping around, his teeth chattering. I looked at him, then told him to stand still. He did, and I began rubbing him, rubbing the water off, warming his skin with the friction of my hands. It was a warm day, and I knew we’d both warm up rapidly, once we were dry.
I started at the top and worked down, rubbing his skin, chafing it, brushing off water and warming the skin. By the time I’d reached his middle, he was hard.
“Hey, this isn’t sex, this is getting you dry and warm.”
“Don’t stop. Keep going.”
I bypassed his genitals and did his legs. When I was at his feet, I stopped and stepped back. His dick was pointing at the sky.
I looked at him and grinned. Seeing him hard was making me that way, though I was trying to resist it.
“You can’t stop now,” he said, sounding a little whiney. “You got me all worked up. I haven’t jacked off today, or even yesterday. Never had the chance. You know someone my age has to jack off every day or he has everything back up on him and it gets to his brain and his head explodes. You know that, don’t you? I’m ready. You have to do this. It’s just common decency.”
I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to. But I said, “You need to jack off, go ahead. But I’m not doing it for you.”
He looked at me for a moment, then at my very responsive equipment, and said, “Will you do it with me? It would be embarrassing to stand here and do it in front of you, alone. Us doing it like that, together, wouldn’t violate any of your rules. It couldn’t. Besides which, your rubbing me got me in this state. You have to at least do it too, jack off with me. You must need to do it, too.”
And I did. I very much did need to. Talking about it, seeing him hard, being outside naked with him, you’re damn right I needed to, too. The whole situation was just sexy as hell.
So I nodded. He grinned. And reached down and started stroking himself. And I, embarrassed and blushing, did the same. It didn’t take either of us very long. Just watching the other was more stimulation than either of us needed. I think we both exploded far more than we did when we were alone. I know I did.
He panted to me, “That was great. And you know what?”
“What,” I asked, somewhat breathlessly.
“I’m warm now,” he said.
I laughed. We both did.
We got dressed, still both grinning, and I was ready to start hiking again when he suddenly grabbed my arm. “Look,” he said.
I looked where he was pointing. About 100 yards away, a black bear had come out of the woods and was drinking out of the lake. We looked around, and there was no one in sight, just us and the lonely bear. We watched till it finished and walked away, along the shore away from us, and then, nonchalantly, into the woods, disappearing as though it had never been there at all. I had goose bumps, and it wasn’t from the cold water. The magnificent scenery, the crystal-clear water, the bear, standing and seeing it all with Kevin, it was perfect.
◊ ◊
Two days later, Kevin turned 15. He didn’t know I knew. We’d each told the other when our birthdays were a long time ago. It hadn’t been discussed since then, and I was sure he thought I’d forgotten. He never mentioned it, and I didn’t say anything that day, either, until we’d all finished dinner.
He was thanking my mom for another great dinner when she said she had dessert, and asked us all if we wanted some. I said yes right away so Kevin would too.
“I’ll help you, Mom,” I said and jumped up to help clear the table, while Dad started talking to Kevin so he wouldn’t leave the table. Mom and I took the plates back inside the camper, then Mom hauled a cake out of the cupboard where she’d hidden it. I quickly stuck 15 candles in it and lit them. I carried it out, and as soon as we got out of the door, Mom, Dad and I began singing Happy Birthday.
Kevin looked shocked, and then like he didn’t know what to do with his face. We’d completely fooled him, and that was something it was difficult to do with Kevin.
I set the cake in front of him, and Dad told him to make a wish and blow out the candles. He paused, looking at us all, then took a deep breath and blew and blew and finally got the candles all out just as he ran out of breath. The rest of us clapped and cheered, and he almost blushed.
“You remembered,” he said, looking at me.
“Yeah. And wait a sec, we got you some presents, too.” I ran back into the camper and grabbed a box that was stuffed in the back of one of the lower cupboards. Mom had gone shopping with me before we’d left, and we’d got some presents and wrapped them, then stowed them away, waiting for today.
I took the box outside and set it on the table next to Kevin’s place. He was cutting the cake, and complaining he’d never done that before. Mom and Dad were encouraging him.
It was a yellow cake with chocolate frosting and mocha cream filling. Kevin took a bite, then looked at the pile of presents. I could tell he was surprised, and a little flustered. I was enjoying watching him, Mr. Sure-of-Himself, fidgeting. He kept looking at the presents, the cake, and us. He said, “You, you didn’t need to do this. Just being here with you guys . . . this is too much.”
Mom, her voice soft and gentle, said, “Kevin, you’re one of the family. Getting presents for family members is what you do on birthdays. Go ahead and open them. They’re from all of us.”
I’d bought him a couple of science fiction books I knew he hadn’t read and a disposable camera. Mom and Dad had gotten him an iPod shuffle, a new Speedo bathing suit—which Dad told him was so he wouldn’t need to go skinny-dipping any more and got a big laugh—and a wristwatch. When he had all the stuff opened, he looked at it in dismay. Then he raised his eyes to us and said, “We never made a fuss about birthdays. Dad said it was foolishness, and Mom never argued with him. I’ve never had this before. Never. I don’t know what to say.”
My mom walked over to him and hugged him. Then my dad did the same thing. At that point, I could see his eyes were leaking a little. I stood up. “Come on, Kevin, let’s get this stuff inside, then come back out and go up to that clearing and watch the stars a while.”
I think he was grateful to be able to leave the table then. No boy his age wants adults to see him crying. He did stop halfway to the camper, however, after wiping his eyes, and turned back to say thank you. He said it three times.
Not far from the camping area was a flat, grassy plateau. It was a steep enough climb that I’d never seen anyone there but us. I took a blanket, and when we were alone there, spread it out, and we sat down, then plopped back onto our backs, next to each other so our shoulders were touching and looked up into the night. The sky was clear, and without city lights to obscure the stars, the sight of them was spectacular. Thousands upon thousands of them filled the sky’s entire expanse. We lay looking at them without talking for I don’t know how long. As soon as we had lain back, he’d taken my hand in his, and he still held it.
I was just thinking maybe we should be getting back when he rolled over on his side, then leaned over and kissed me. “I really love you, Matt. This trip has been so great. I love being with you. I love your parents. Thanks for inviting me. Thanks for today.” And then he kissed me again.
I kissed him back. My emotions were running high. I could tell from the urgency of his kiss, he would have liked to go further. I would too. The setting seemed to encourage doing so. We hadn’t done anything at all sexual since we’d had that cold swim in the lake, and in fact hadn’t talked about it. Now he wanted more. And I couldn’t deny it. I did too.
He rolled over farther and then was on top of me, and his kiss had become more ardent. I was kissing him back, and my head was swimming, my resolve leaving me. He began humping himself into me. I’d been hard since he began kissing me and I couldn’t stop myself from thrusting back in time with him.
He let out a low, guttural groan. He had both arms locked around me, and pulled me tighter into him. His thrusting became more urgent. I pulled my lips away from his and said, “Kevin, stop!”
“No!” he wailed. “No. I can’t.”
“I can’t either,” I said, anguish in my voice that came from my soul. “But I have to! I promised myself. I’m not going to do this. I’ve told you that. I’ve told me that. Nothing feels more right than keeping on. I want to as much as you do. But we’re not going to.”
He howled then, both despair and need spilling out of him with a vengeance. He looked at me with agony on his face, agony that then turned to anger. I could see it in his eyes, and could hear it in the raw noise that came from his throat. He sat up and jerked away from me, turning so his back was facing me.
I felt horrible. I’d been on the edge of exploding, and I was sure he’d been, too. Then I’d stopped. It was my fault, I knew that. I’d hurt Kevin. I’d hurt myself, too, but I knew it was minor compared to what Kevin was going through, was feeling.
Would he get over it? Could he? God, I hoped, I prayed he would. He had to!
I could only imagine what he was feeling. I could see his hurt, his vulnerability. I knew instinctively that it was worse because he loved me. I didn’t think anyone else could have caused the pain I’d just caused. It hurt him so badly because he loved me so much.
He sat, his shoulders stiff, not looking at me, for at least five minutes. Neither of us spoke. Then he stood up. He wouldn’t look at me.
I folded up the blanket, and we walked back to the campsite. Mom and Dad had gone to bed.
We did too. We hadn’t spoken a word since we’d rolled apart on the blanket. I wanted to; I wanted to explain, but I had a hard time explaining even to myself why I felt as I did. And his body language left no doubt he didn’t want me talking to him anyway. He lay down on the bed with his back to me, lying on the very edge of the bed, as far from me as he could get. He left his boxers on for the first time. I stood by the bed and looked down at his rigid posture and felt like crying. I was pretty sure I’d lost him. I loved him, and I’d probably lost him. I felt tears on my cheeks, and angrily wiped them away.
I lay down too, then, on my side facing him. Sleep wouldn’t come. I knew I was losing something very important to me. Should I sacrifice my principles for what I wanted? It would be so easy to do so. At that moment, I wanted to, because I wanted Kevin to be happy more than anything, and I wanted us together. But something inside me wouldn’t let me do that.
I lay there, not sleeping. I listened to his breathing, and knew he wasn’t sleeping either. He wasn’t moving at all, lying there, his hurt a tangible presence between us.
I felt like crying more, but didn’t. I was far from sleep, and thought it might not come at all.
And then, I felt more than saw Kevin’s posture soften. A minute later, he began slowly moving, working his way across the bed, and soon was spooned back into me, the way we’d slept during the entire time we’d been there.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and my voice broke when I said it.
“Me too,” he said.
“I’m sorry I ruined your birthday,” I said.
He didn’t answer. He pulled my arm over him and soon he was asleep. And then I was, too.
◊ ◊
We had more fun before it was time to leave. The four of us rented canoes and investigated more of Tenaya Lake. Kevin and I adapted to our canoe right away. Dad and Mom had several close calls, almost capsizing. Kevin had some really funny remarks about that, about old people losing their sense of balance, and when Dad scowled at him in frustration I almost fell overboard laughing.
We visited two different giant Sequoia groves, driving because they weren’t near our campsite. When we were looking at the trees in the first grove in awe, I happened to see a small fire burning on the ground nearby. I called my dad in a panic and showed him, and he told me that small ground fires were common here, that the Sequoia bark was fire resistant and the ground fires were a natural occurrence, and necessary, because they caused the Sequoia cones which were scattered on the ground to open so their seeds could germinate. When we visited the second grove, I looked and saw many small wisps of smoke coming up from the ground around the trees.
There was a feeling when we were among those tress, a feeling of deep calm, a feeling we were visiting eternity, that time was different here. The emotions felt like they were touching my soul, like this place was sacred and had been here forever and would be here forever. Like the world would change but not here. We were all silent while there, and even after we’d left, the feelings remained for longer than seemed natural. None of my family was religious, but for some unexplained reason, standing among those peaceful giants, it felt like the presence of God was near.
On another day we rented some horses and went on a trail ride. Both Kevin and I were a little sore the next day. I think Mom was a lot sore, but she tried to hide it.
We hiked some more, just Kevin and me. I’d tell you we didn’t do any more kissing, but I don’t think you’d believe me. Kevin seemed to have forgotten the night on the blanket. His spirits were back to normal, which for him meant high. But kissing was all we did. And hand holding, of course. We did a lot of that when we could hike walking beside each other. He initiated it. I loved it. I’d thought I’d lost him.
We were both sorry when the morning we had to leave arrived. We helped Dad collapse the camper and then we all got in the car and slowly pulled out of the site. The drive back home took the same time as the trip to Yosemite had, but seemed shorter. Kevin and I slept most of the way back.