Becky was waiting on the doorstep, so excited she seemed to be vibrating.
“Okay, calm down. I don’t think he’s very shy and doesn’t get intimidated easily, but if anything could do that, it might be too heavy a dose of Becky all at once.”
“Where is he?” she asked, ignoring my sage advice and recognizing it for the sarcasm it was. She sort of nudged past me, and sort of checked me out as she walked into the entryway. I was only wearing my bathing suit.
“We’re out on the patio.” I stepped ahead of her and had her follow me. We walked through the house and outside to the back.
Kevin was still on the lounger where I’d left him, but he heard us coming and stood up. I brought Becky to him, and we all stood looking at each other, none of us certain what to say.
Becky spoke first. I should have known she would. I don’t think she really understands the concept of embarrassment. I realized I should have spent a little time preparing Kevin for her. The Onslaught of Becky.
“Hi, Kevin.” She had a huge grin.
“Hi.” He was much more tentative. He smiled, but it wasn’t his thousand-watt smile.
“Hey! You guys have suits on! I thought you were going to be naked.”
“What?!” Kevin looked at her, pulling back his head a little in surprise, then switched his eyes to me. I could just see what he was thinking. He was wondering why I’d invited a maniac over to visit with us.
Becky frowned at me. “You were kidding me, weren’t you? You got me all excited, but were fooling.”
“You really were going to join us in the pool, naked? Really?” I asked her.
“Well, I was certainly going to watch. I was still mulling over the possibility of participating. I hadn’t decided that part. I was too excited by the first part.”
Kevin was watching us, clearly having no idea what we were talking about. I turned to him.
“You might as well get to know the real Becky. She isn’t the bashful, retiring type, and her focus at the moment seems to be on male equipment. She wants me to tell her all about all the boys in the shower room, in detail, and seems to want to see us, too. She’s already sorta seen me hard.”
Kevin’s eyes opened a little wider at that. Well, I could hardly blame him. “Whatta you mean, ‘sorta’?” he asked. “How do you ‘sorta’ see someone hard?”
I explained to him about band and the glockenspiel, and the problem I’d had, and Becky coming to my rescue, and how much she’d enjoyed it.
Kevin ate up the story. He grinned and was loving it, and when it was over, he got a big fake frown. “That isn’t fair,” he pouted.
“What isn’t?”
“She’s seen you and I haven’t.”
“You want to, don’t you?” ask Becky, enthusiastically.
“I sure do.” He looked as eager as she did.
“I knew it! I knew you liked him. You do, don’t you?”
“I like him a lot. He told me you’d figured out I was gay and liked him. You’re pretty smart. I thought all beautiful girls were supposed to be dumb.”
“Huh? Where’d you hear that? That’s not true at all! Just the blondes. Beautiful dark-haired girls aren’t dumb at all. Certainly not as dumb as blond boys are; they’re dumber than blonde girls!”
“You just made that up! I’ve never heard that before. Blonde girls, yes, but not blond boys. Blond boys are smarter than any other kind of boys. And blond gay boys are the smartest of all.”
“Now who’s making stuff up?!”
“Not me! I’m blond, I’m gay, I’m the only blond gay boy I know, I’m smarter than anyone else, so it’s true.”
That’s when I realized that with these two together, if I ever wanted to say anything, I’d have to elbow my way into the conversation. I just stood back and watched them, grinning.
We have several tables with chairs around them on the covered patio; it pretty large. Becky reached out and took Kevin’s hand and led him to one of the tables. They sat down. They’d obviously completely forgotten about me. I ambled over and joined them.
“So, tell me what happened here today,” she asked him. “You told him you were gay and liked him. What did he say? Did he tell you the same, that he’s gay and likes you, too?”
“Becky! I told you, I’m not gay. I told him that too. We’re going to be friends, though. I thought we might even include you, but you keep saying stuff like that. I’m having second thoughts,” I grumbled.
Becky ignored me and just kept looking at Kevin. “So tell me what you two said.”
Kevin shot a quick glance at me, but he was grinning and looked entirely comfortable. If anyone was going to be nervous here, it wasn’t going to be Becky or Kevin.
“Becky, that was sort of private, just between Matt and me. Of course, you could probably earn the right to hear some of it. Now let’s think about this. You came over here expecting to see us naked, and thinking about maybe joining us. I don’t know about Matt, but I’d sort of enjoy seeing you swimming around in the pool without anything on. I might even feel like joining you. I’d of course have to decide that later. I’d be more likely to join you if Matt got in with you, too.”
“Hey, I’m not swimming naked with either of you. Or both. Some of us still have some modesty. I . . .” I stopped. I had been ready to add something about Kevin being hairless, and that if anyone was going to be shy, it should be him. He was a couple years younger, and I realized if he hadn’t started puberty, he was certainly much less developed than I was. I was thinking about saying those things, defensively to turn the thoughts of me being too shy to be naked in front of either of them away from me, but luckily, my good reason came back to me in time and I didn’t say anything more. I stopped in time. Kevin had trusted me with what he’d said when we were talking earlier. I had trusted him, too, with the things I’d said. Becky was a friend, a very good friend, but she wasn’t going to hear personal stuff from me that was just between Kevin and me.
The pause when I stopped lingered, and Kevin was now looking at me. I could read something in his eyes. There was a question there, and he was waiting. He seemed to know what I had been thinking. I reached out and laid my hand on his arm for a moment. I then looked at Becky and smiled. “But don’t let me stop you.”
Becky was looking at both of us. She glanced back and forth, then asked, “What? What just happened?”
“What do you mean?” Kevin asked her.
“Matt was going to say something, then stopped, looked at you, you were looking at him, and he put his hand on your arm. What was that all about?”
Kevin grinned at her. “I’m not going to tell you.”
Becky didn’t like that. She was a naturally curious girl, and she wanted to know what was going on. She’d seen something, and wanted to know what it was. She turned to me, her eyebrows raised.
I had to come up with something. I sighed. “Becky, I think we’re all going to be good friends. I think you can see that, too. Well, I don’t know a whole lot about friendships, but I do know, already, that I relate to Kevin differently from how I relate to you. I can imagine, looking ahead, that I’ll talk to you about things I won’t be talking about with him. Some of them might even be private. It wouldn’t surprise me if you two do the same thing, keep some things private between the two of you. I don’t even think you can call this keeping secrets, it’s just the way we relate to each other.
“As for what you just saw, what I was going to say, that was something personal. Something I shouldn’t have said without checking with Kevin first. I realized that as I was saying it. I think Kevin was thinking the same thing, because when I looked at him I could see it in his eyes. I just reached out and touched him. It was kind of a gesture to acknowledge what I thought both of us were thinking. It’s not really something I can explain. If I could, I’d tell you. Okay?”
She frowned at me, then turned to Kevin. He looked back at her with a very slight smile on his face and no message but innocence in his usually expressive eyes. She turned back to me.
“Is that the truth?”
“Pretty much,” I said, and grinned.
“Boys are so dumb,” she said back.
“So are you going swimming?” Kevin asked.
“Yeah, but I’m wearing a suit.”
“Good choice,” I said, at the same time Kevin was saying, “Oh, jeeze. Dammit.”
I got another plastic bag and the roll of tape and fixed Kevin up again. Becky had her suit tied to her bike. She went out and got it and went into the pool house to change. While we were alone, Kevin asked me what I’d been about to say when I’d stopped.
“I was going to say something I shouldn’t have. I realized it just in time.”
“Matt, this friends stuff is new to me. Remembering what to say and what not to say is going to be new. I hope I don’t slip up and do that. It’d be easy, with Becky. She’s so easy to talk to. You feel you can say anything. But some of the things I said to you, I don’t want her knowing. Especially about the puberty thing.”
“I figured that. I almost slipped. I have to remember to keep what’s between us quiet, too. I did that when I was friends with Riley, but looking back, our secrets were kid secrets. This stuff is important. I don’t want people finding out you’re gay. Not because of Chuck’s reason. I think that sucks, to tell the truth. I’m worried what might happen to you.”
“You know, I’ve thought about Chuck not wanting to hang with me at school, too, and I agree. It sucks. I understand it, but it still sucks. It’s not what a good friend would do. I see guys at school who are best friends, and they act like they have each other’s backs. They act like they care about each other. That’s the kind of friend I want to be.”
“Me too, Kevin.”
Becky came out about then, and all three of us got in the pool. We just fooled around. I stopped worrying about Kevin’s cast. It didn’t seem to bother him at all, so I forgot about it. What I did do was end up admiring him. Becky, too, of course. She was beautiful with her clothes on, and with them off, wearing just a bathing suit, she looked even sexier. She was a good swimmer, with good form, and she dove well, too. She was sleek in the water. She was wearing a white one-piece suit, and it contrasted with her hair and showed off her figure. She was really beautiful. Yet I spent most of my time watching Kevin.
He was happy, so he was smiling and grinning all the time. His cocky personality was back, especially when interacting with Becky. The two just fed off each other, and it became hilarious, watching and listening to each of them trying to embarrass the other, trying to outdo each other with insults. They were so engaged with each other, I was able to stand back a bit and just watch. And what I found myself doing was watching Kevin’s slim body knifing through the water, then erupting from it. He’d shake his head and his blond hair, darker when it was wet, would spray water all around him which would sparkle in the sun. His white teeth would flash, and he’d find Becky and call some insult at her, then laugh at her response. His skin was fair, as a blond kid’s skin usually is, with a light but noticeable golden tan, and by studying him I noted the beginning of some muscle definition in his thin upper arms, a slight broadening of his shoulders. Looking at him like this, naked down to the waist, I could see he really didn’t look like many 13-year-olds do. I could see he had started to develop a little. Perhaps puberty was on his doorstep, already knocking.
I didn’t like what I was doing, however. I was looking at a beautiful girl, gorgeous and sexy, and at a lithe, stunningly cute young boy, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I wasn’t gay, I just wasn’t, but I also couldn’t possibly deny my attraction to Kevin. It was much more powerful than my attraction to Becky. Just to test myself, I started to imagine them with their suits off. First I thought about Becky, climbing out of the pool nude, water running down and emphasizing the curves of her body, I saw her stopping to pose unselfconsciously on the diving board, the jumping up and down to gain height for her dive, her firm young breasts bouncing a little, her legs together with a tuft of dark hair where they joined. She pointed her toes as she soared from the board, then did a perfect dive, slicing into the water. It was a wonderful, sexy vision. I thought about that, then thought about Kevin doing the same. I visualized it. Made it real for myself. And I started to get hard. Thinking about Kevin.
Kevin chose that time to realize I was across the pool from him and had been for a while. He went under water, kicked off from the side and arrowed towards me. I quickly turned around, panicking, and headed for the end of the pool. He saw me and took off after me. I’m sure he just thought I was trying to get away from him, perhaps beginning a game of tag. Why would he think anything else?
By the time he’d caught me, the excitement of the chase had distracted me and he didn’t notice anything unusual at all.
After swimming, we all dried off and lay back down on the loungers. We arranged them so their foot ends were touching, forming a triangle, so we could lie back but, with the adjustable backs folded up at about 45o angles, we could also see each other while we talked.
“Are you guys going to tell me what went on today, before I got here?” There was an almost pouty tone in her voice. She wanted to know, and knew she couldn’t force it out of us. Kevin seemed as immune to embarrassment as she was, and I knew she would play around pretending to embarrass me in front of other people, but not actually do it. I’m not sure how I knew, but I did. She wouldn’t do that.
And thinking that, I realized we could tell her stuff, and she’d keep it private. So I didn’t see anything wrong with talking to her. After all, she’d been instrumental in getting us together. I’d been ready to throw in the towel.
I figured I’d better talk to Kevin first, however. “Kevin, you’ve gotten acquainted with Becky now. I know we can trust her. She wants to know what went on between us, and I don’t mind telling her, at least some of it. But I won’t if it would bother you. It’s up to you.”
He looked at me, his face serious, then at her. Still looking at her, he asked me, “Can you trust her to keep what we say quiet?”
I didn’t have a chance to answer. Becky did. “Both you guys can trust me. He knows that. You’ll find out. Kevin, I don’t have any friends other than Matt. We’ve only been friends a short time, but we really like each other, and trust each other. If you and he are now friends and don’t include me, I don’t have anyone again. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that, but besides that, in spite of it, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt either of you.”
Kevin was looking at her, but I could see his face. His intense look changed from serious to relaxed. “I’m sorry, Becky. I shouldn’t have had to ask. It’s just I’m new to all this, and there are things that could get me in trouble, and Matt too. But I should have known, if Matt trusts you, that’s enough.”
She smiled at him, and then her eyes lit up. “Okay, now spill.”
I laughed, then gave her a very condensed version of what I’d said to him today, stuff she already knew. When I stopped, Kevin started in with no hesitation. He told her he was gay, that he’d liked me for a while, and about his situation at home and at school. Then he told her I’d mentioned various plans she’d come up with to find out stuff about him, and asked if she’d really told Matt to wag his dick at him like I’d said she had.
“No, of course not. I’d never think up anything crude like that. The very idea!”
“Becky! You did too! You’re lying, trying to make me sound like a pervert or something.”
While Becky was laughing, Kevin asked her what the other plans had been. We spent the next couple hours talking about what had been going on the past couple weeks, the feelings we’d had, the misunderstandings and confusion.
I knew what was happening. It felt so right, so good, I simply knew. What we were doing was bonding that afternoon. Forming strong bonds, the sort of bonds that it seemed to me would last. We each spoke from the heart, not holding back anything but our very personal, most private thoughts. We revealed our feelings, the sorts of feelings we kids usually avoid discussing because of embarrassment or the potential for humiliation.
I told them that I’d cried that night after hurting Kevin, and then later when I’d talked to my mom about it and felt so conflicted about wanting Kevin as a friend and the feelings I had that I still didn’t understand. I told them about how hard it was for me when Kevin acted like he hated me. I told them how I’d broken down, thinking Kevin was going to humiliate me with the pager, and how I couldn’t take any more humiliation after what I’d already lived through.
Kevin talked about his confusion, too, about thinking I was hot and maybe gay and maybe liking him, then being hurt and thinking he’d been wrong about me, and wrong about being able to get away with being cocky. He spoke about being mad at me and not wanting to give me a chance, but then realizing he still did have feelings for me. He spoke about coming to grips with being gay, and how he didn’t have any huge problems accepting it. He said he read a lot, that often the choice was that or television for him, and he preferred books; and that he had read stories about gay boys, and the problems they had coming out, and about some of them not accepting their own orientation. He had thought about it, and the reaction he had to the other kids he’d met at school, and to stuff he’d seen on his computer, and told us he knew he was gay. There wasn’t any question in his mind, once he got past the initial thoughts he’d had and the initial misgivings, which hadn’t been very great anyway. He spoke about finding a lot of boys attractive, but that he’d found himself obsessed with me. He said he still couldn’t believe he was so lucky that I didn’t hate him for that.
Becky spoke about the loneliness of not having friends, of the depression she’d suffered after discovering that just being pretty and perky wasn’t a guarantee of friendships. She spoke about what that felt like. She told me how much my approaching her at lunch, and then being so happy to be her friend, had meant to her. She said she loved the way I’d opened up to her, accepted her. She told us she knew she pushed the limits of friendship sometimes, and if she was coming on too strong, to tell her about it. She said she really liked the two of us, and she loved the thought of the two of us guys together. I yelled at her when she said that, and Kevin just smiled and nodded at her with one of those smiles he gets. She said she was a little bit in love with both of us.
I realized that there was a special feeling of empathy between us. I know we all felt it; I could see it in both their eyes. It didn’t feel like we were just three kids chatting. It felt like there was no way the trust we were feeling for each other would ever be violated. I was speaking about my insecurities and fears, about who I was, without holding much back. I’d never done that before. They seemed to be doing the same thing. It was a very special afternoon.
It felt like something had grown between us when we were done. It really felt like we were bonded, and if we were tested in the future, no matter what, these bonds would hold us together.
Eventually, it was time for them to go. Becky left first. We all stood in the front doorway, and she kissed us both on the cheek. She kissed me last, and stood holding my two hands in hers, just looking me in the eyes for a few moments. She had a serious expression on her face, not a usual look for her. Then, without a word, she kissed my cheek again, waved at both of us, and got on her bike and rode off.
“I need to go too, Matt.”
I hesitated. I felt so much different now than before he’d come. Now he’d been here and everything had changed. I’d had one of the best days of my life, and I didn’t want to let him go. “Can you come over tomorrow?”
“Sure,” he said, and I realized he wanted more time with me, just as I did with him. “When?”
“We don’t go to church or anything. But you’re a little kid, you need lots of sleep.”
I should know better than to tease Kevin like that. It was like throwing more wood on a fire. Or maybe gasoline. He was smarter than I was, and really quick with his comebacks. I’d seen it all afternoon with him against Becky. Now he did it to me. “You’ll be the one needing more sleep tonight. You’ll go in now and jack off five or six times. I’ve read about how horny you teens are.”
I gulped and looked around to make sure neither of my parents were around where they could hear him. I looked back, and he was looking at the expression on my face and laughing his ass off.
The best I could come up with was, “Like you don’t!”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he responded, and wiggled his eyebrows at me.
I giggled then, and we made arrangements for him to come over tomorrow afternoon.
I watched him ride away till I couldn’t see him any longer, then closed the door. I went up to my room and closed the door. I’d been hard in the pool, and then with what he’d said, he’d replanted the idea in my mind. I couldn’t help myself.
Afterwards, I lay there, thinking about what was happening. I’d wanted him for a friend. That seemed a done deal. I knew my feelings ran deeper than that, even if I refused to confront them, or even think about them. I couldn’t stop myself now, though. I lay there and couldn’t stop asking myself what I was doing. He was younger than I was. Even if I did find him attractive, I couldn’t get involved with him that way. I just couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. But now I was inviting him over, and recognized I wanted to spend time with him. Probably a lot of it. Most of that was just liking him and wanting to be with him. But there was more to it than that, and I knew it.
I knew I was still confused. I was nearing a point where I’d have to seriously think about all this, no matter how much I didn’t want to. But not today. Not now. I was deliriously happy. And I wanted to simply lie here and experience what that felt like, to feel something I had not felt for a long time.