Jeremy Sweeney sat on his bed in his room, the door closed. He was listening to his radio, which was what he always did on Friday nights if he wasn’t hanging out somewhere with someone. But tonight his mom had told him he had to stay in the house until the mess in his room was picked up and his bed was made. She’d said she’d been telling him all week and she wasn’t going to put up with the mess any longer. He’d said this was Friday night, his night to kick it after a hard week at school, and she’d said not till his room was clean and this is why he should have done it when she had first told him to. What frosted his ass was that she had to add, why couldn’t he be a little more responsible, and because that was a favorite theme of hers and he was tired of hearing it, he’d spouted off a little about how unfair she was, and so here he was in his room. He was listening to the radio, which was his choice. Her choice was that he be in his room, and while there, be cleaning it up and thinking about how irresponsible he was and how his attitude had to change and how he should treat his mother better. Yeah yeah yeah. Well, he was doing one of those things. He was in his room.
He wasn’t cleaning it, though. Or thinking about that crap she always was pulling on him. Instead, he was lying on the bed and had been listening to his favorite program, this really awesome radio program they had on Friday nights. That’s what he had been doing. Now, he was simply lying on his bed, shocked out of his gourd. And thinking.
No way, man, he was thinking. He couldn’t believe his fuckin’ ears! Dude! Did he just hear what he just heard? No fuckin’ way, man, no fuckin’ way!
And then he started to think more practically. And it didn’t take any time at all to realize something.
This was fucked up. Way, way fucked up. Fucked up bad.
Jake was a cool guy. Well, okay, a little weird, but everybody was, weren’t they? Weird, but he was a good guy. Awfully shy, awfully, well, cautious, he guessed. There were better words to describe him, words he’d read in English assignments, but he couldn’t remember those words for shit. Jake could. Jake was good at that shit. Jeremy wasn’t, and he knew he wasn’t. Not like Jake, anyway. Jake was okay. Timid, maybe that was one of those right words. Private, too. He stayed by himself a lot, wouldn’t go do the things Jeremy wanted him to do very often. He was a great friend, though. There was something about him that really got to Jeremy. He liked Jake a lot, and he knew Jake liked him, too. But they were different. Jeremy liked being with people, hanging with a bunch of the guys, going to the arcade or mall or even just getting a pizza. Christ, it was like pulling teeth to get Jake to come too, if other guys were going to be there. He’d tell Jeremy he wasn’t comfortable in a crowd, especially if he didn’t know everyone. Weird, man. What the hell was wrong with strangers? But Jake just wouldn’t come.
Well, maybe that was the problem, he was home cumming instead.
No! Don’t go there! That’s. . .that’s just nasty, man, thinking about Jake that way. That was too easy, and it wasn’t right. That’s how all the numbnuts at school would be going. He didn’t want to think that way. He didn’t want to be the guy who’d do that. In fact, he wasn’t going to be! Let everyone else do that, be that. Let them think about Jake doing that all the time. Damn, it was going to be brutal! It’d be worse than brutal. He was gay, and he beat off all day long? And maybe did it in school, too? Eeeewww!
They were going to crucify him!
Jeremy was trying to process what he’d heard, and he simply lay there, thinking. Thinking about what it would be like. What Jake had said, everything he’d said, ran through his mind.
It just got worse and worse. But the more he thought of those things, and then thought about Jake, and what he had to be feeling right then knowing his mom was downtown and probably on her way home, and that he would have to face her, and the kids at school, well, Jeremy started getting a bad feeling. And the more he lay there thinking the worse that feeling became. He started feeling a little scared. His heart was beating a little faster, too.
This was bad. What he needed to do was, he needed to get over there. He had to get over there right now. Jake needed him. He needed someone, and who was there, other than him? What was Jake thinking? Jeremy knew if it was him, and he knew everyone in the world knew all the stuff he didn’t want a single soul to know, if he knew his mother was on the way home to confront him, well, he’d, he’d . . . damn! He had to get over there.
Jeremy jumped out of bed. He opened his bedroom door, not worried about his mother as she’d told him she was running to the store. He grabbed his bike and then was on it, and pedaling hard. Jake lived at the end of the next block, one street up. Long blocks, so he had a distance to go. Jeremy pedaled as fast as he could, thinking about what he had just heard, and about what Jake must be thinking. The pedaling became frantic as his thoughts percolated, jumbled and fragmented, and then Jeremy remembered the hours of talks from his mother about riding his bike in the dark and drivers not being able to see him. He didn’t slow down, but started paying more attention to traffic and driveways. It was a little after nine and he felt thankful there weren’t many cars on the road.
Jeremy skirted one driveway where he saw a car was beginning to pull out. He came to a stop sign and didn’t stop, but did make sure there was no cross traffic before speeding up again and shooting across the intersection. The checking of traffic, checking of driveways, became automatic. Most of his mind was engaged thinking about what Jake was doing.
What would he himself be doing right now if he’d said those things and knew most of the world had been listening to them? This was bad because Jake always had thought about things more than the average bear. He also felt things even more, way more than Jeremy did. Jeremy knew how sensitive Jake was. He had too much imagination, man. This might be too much for him.
Jeremy finally saw Jake’s house ahead. He rode up onto the lawn, then dropped his bike there in the middle while he was still moving, getting off the bike running. Then he was on the stoop, at the door, ringing the bell.
Nothing.
He knocked, then yelled. Nothing. All this time had passed since that show ended! That time was seeming big, important, right then. He was starting to freak out.
Not a fucking sound in there and the lights were off! He knew Jake was there. Where else would he be? His nervousness was turning into real fear as the seconds kept ticking away and the door stood unmoving, closed and dark before him.
Jeremy rang the bell again, but then didn’t wait any longer. He tried the doorknob, but it was locked. He ran then, around to the back, up onto the back porch, and tried that door. It wasn’t locked, and he opened it and went inside. In the kitchen he called, loudly and nervously, “Jake! Hey, Jake.”
There was no answer.
He must be home, he thought. He wouldn’t make a phone call like that one he just heard on the radio from any place else, would he?
Very scared now, hearing no noises, not seeing Jake, his stomach, his muscles all reacting to a surplus of adrenaline as he considered what he might find, he ran through the kitchen, down the hall and checked first the living room, then the family room. Nothing. The lights were all out, and the house was silent.
Jeremy ran up the stairs. Jake’s bedroom was the first off to the right down the upstairs hall. Jeremy stuck his head into the open doorway.
Jake was sitting on his bed. He was difficult to see clearly because of how dark the room was. A weak splash of light from the street outside fell across Jake’s bed, but it didn’t reach up high enough to illuminate his face.
Jeremy stopped. His relief in seeing Jake sitting there was enormous. He stood, looking at him, then leaned against the doorjamb, breathing hard, catching his breath. As he recovered he looked harder at his friend.
Jake looked awful. His shoulders were slumped. Jeremy had never seen anyone look like this before. It was, he thought, as though all the life had been sucked out of him, like aliens had gotten to him or something. Maybe with one of those sucking probes. He was already a small kid. He doubted he weighed more than 120. Short, too. But, man, now he looked even smaller than usual. Like he’d sort of sunk into himself. And, shit, it looked like he was trembling.
Jeremy pushed himself off the doorframe and walked slowly toward the bed. Jake suddenly looked up, startled. Jeremy could see tears covering his face, and then saw his eyes.
Damn! His eyes were terrible. They were full of pain, and Jeremy didn’t think Jake even recognized him. Oh, man. Could he do this? He had a huge urge to leave. He didn’t want to stay there. Then he pushed that thought down. That was crap. He had to be there.
Oh my god! Jake did recognize him now, but, he was even more scared now when he did. He looked like hell, and he was scared of him! Of him!
Jeremy didn’t know what to do! He didn’t know! What do you do when your friend has just fucked himself up the ass in front of everyone? Just ended his life, but wasn’t totally dead yet? And then to top that off, he looks at you and he’s afraid of you?
Jeremy sat down on the bed. Jake pushed himself away, scuttled as far away as he could get until his back was against the headboard. He was looking at Jeremy, terrified.
Damn! He really was afraid of him!
Okay, Jeremy thought, I’ve got to deal with this.
“Jake, it’s okay. It’s me. You’re okay. It’s just me.”
Saying that didn’t seem to help. Jake’s expression didn’t change. He put his hands up and out, defensively, ready to fend off Jeremy. The tears had stopped, as though it was more important just then to protect himself from Jeremy, and tears had no place in that. Self-preservation was his only motivation at that moment.
Jeremy couldn’t stand this. Why was he scared of him? Oh, wait! Then he knew. That radio program. And what Jake had said. He remembered now! What Jake said on that show, about him. He remembered what he’d said.
“Jake, man, it’s okay.” Jeremy made his voice soft, as non-threatening, as reassuring as he could.
It didn’t sound like him at all. But, he rationalized to himself, at least it didn’t sound scary. He tried again, clearing his throat first.
“Hey Jake. I don’t care if you’re gay, man. That’s fine with me. Makes no never mind. No difference.” Jeremy’s voice was shaky.
He wanted Jake to calm down, but seeing him like this was making him crazy. He was so upset, Jeremy couldn’t help but absorb some of that, too. He was feeling some of Jake’s upset, but even more than that, knowing Jake was scared of him was tearing him up inside.
Jake was his buddy. Jeremy knew he was hurting, he wanted to help, and all he could do was watch Jake try to fend him off because—he thought Jeremy was going to hurt him!
Jeremy looked at Jake, uncertain, undecided what to do, and then Jake began crying again. Big tears started flowing, and even in the dim light, Jeremy could see the pain in his eyes, eyes now glistening through his tears. Jake was looking right at him, right into his eyes. Jeremy could barely stand to look back, look at that intense pain and fear.
Jeremy stopped thinking, stopped trying to figure things out and let his instincts take over. He scooted over across the bed, ignoring the smaller boy’s hands. He moved right up against Jake, and then put his arms around him. He hugged him to him.
In the back of his mind, even while hugging Jake, his thoughts were roiling. He thought how weird this felt. He’d never held a boy before. It was sort of awkward, too, because his arms were around Jake but Jake’s shoulder was into his chest, the boy was sideways to him, so they were not fitting together very well at all. How come in books and movies that crap always worked so well, but here and now the two of them didn’t fit at all?
But Jake was hurting so bad, Jeremy decided he wasn’t going to pay much attention to how they were stuck together. He thought it was funny that no matter the situation, and this was certainly one, he couldn’t turn his mind off, and it was telling him he was holding a boy. Whoa. But, as he thought of it, he realized what he was doing. He was holding Jake, not just a boy, and the fact he was a boy wasn’t really that important. He wasn’t holding a boy, he was holding Jake. When he realized that, the weirdness he was feeling went away. He was simply holding his friend.
Jake wasn’t putting his head on Jeremy’s shoulder or anything like that, Jeremy realized. He was still very stiff, still trembling, still resisting Jeremy. And then, all of a sudden, that changed. Jake simply collapsed. He was no longer resisting Jeremy at all. Suddenly, Jake’s entire weight was in Jeremy’s arms. He was heavier than the larger boy expected! He had to change his grip to support him.
Oh, shit, Jeremy thought. He’s crying again.
Jake began crying in great sobs, and then began wailing, too. Jeremy adjusted his arms again and then held him tighter.
Man, he thought, he was holding Jake close, so close, it seemed he could feel some of Jake’s pain, some of his terror. But probably not. He couldn’t really imagine what Jake was feeling. Jeremy thought the pain he himself was feeling right then, all the emotion, was for Jake; he wasn’t experiencing it first hand, not this fear. It wasn’t the same as Jake was feeling at all. Couldn’t be, when you thought about it.
Jake wasn’t stopping crying and he was getting heavy. He couldn’t let go. Jake would fall onto the floor. Jeremy decided what to do. He’d start to shift his weight further back onto the bed, and when he was far enough back, he’d lie back, taking Jake with him.
Jeremy lay back on the bed. Jake ended up partly on his side, partly on top of Jeremy. Jeremy found that Jake’s weight was pushing against his chest, pulling against his arms at the same time.
Jake stopped wailing then, and Jeremy was thankful for that. Now, he wished he’d stop shaking. He also wished he knew what to say, and even thinking that, couldn’t imagine that anything he did could make it better. Nothing he could think of, at least. Jake was way fucked.
The only thing he could think of was, they couldn’t just lie there like they were. Maybe he could get Jake talking. He knew in emotional moments, people always tried to get the person who was upset talking. He didn’t see how the fuck talking about this could help anything, though. How could him talking to Jake and getting Jake to talk back take away the fact that fourteen kazillion kids just heard him say what he’d said?
He was pretty sure the thing to do was to start talking himself, however, maybe only because it was the only thing he could think of. But what could he say? One thing he knew for sure, he didn’t have a clue as to what to say. He knew when he had ridden over to Jake’s house he had had this thought in the back of his head and it was still there, it wouldn’t go away. He was thinking that if he had been in Jake’s shoes, he’d probably have killed himself. At the very least, he’d have been thinking about it. Seriously thinking.
Jeremy knew he should talk, but just couldn’t think of what to say. Brain freeze. And so he remained silent, as did Jake. Neither boy spoke for a while. Then, finally, Jeremy did.
“Jake, man, I’m here for you. I’ll be in this with you. You won’t be alone. It’ll be you and me.”
There was no reaction from Jake.
Had Jake heard him? He had to have heard him, right? His ear was right there, close to Jeremy’s lips. He’d sort of spoken right into it. Why didn’t he react? Jeremy was sure he’d heard him. He must have.
Maybe it was because of the way he said it, not what he said. His voice had sounded sort of like Jeremy was crying. He’d heard that sound himself, and he knew what it had sounded like. But so what, he thought. He didn’t care. So he was crying a little. Jake was too. Big fucking deal! He didn’t care, and he didn’t even care if Jake knew it. So what if he was crying? It was only a little bit, anyway.
But Jake was still quiet. Damn, he needed him to talk. It was creeping him out, Jake not saying a word. He had to get him to say something. He had to think of how to do that.
“Jake, can I turn the light on? Maybe you’ll feel better, and feel more like talking, if I turn the light on.”
Jeremy wasn’t expecting much from that, and then saw Jake shake his head. He was shaking his head! He was responding! Jeremy thought about it, and decided Jake was aware enough, in the present enough, to not want the light on, and even could think why that might be. Maybe he was afraid Jeremy would see his tears. Well, that was okay. Jeremy didn’t need the light on. He didn’t much want Jake to see his tears, either.
But now maybe he’d respond more. Maybe he’d talk. “What are you thinking, Jake? Talk to me. I need you to talk.”
He didn’t expect an answer, but perhaps. . .Jake might. But he didn’t. He didn’t do or say anything. Damn, thought Jeremy, he’d have to keep trying.
“Are you thinking about the kids at school? Is that what’s in your head? What are you thinking about, Jake?”
That’s what Jeremy was thinking about. Every kid in school would know about this, would be calling each other, talking about it. Monday was still the weekend away, and by then, what happened on that radio program would be the only thing people would be talking about.
Every kid would laugh at him. They’d all pretend to jack off when they saw him and then they’d laugh. There was a big senior football player who’d be looking for him, a guy who would probably beat the crap out of him; a teacher who would hate his guts and maybe find a way to do something about it; and a lot of guys who would be looking to hurt him, tease him, humiliate him, and the hurting part of it would be very real. And the girls. They’d be almost as bad as the guys, teasing him, saying things to him, nasty things a sensitive kid like Jake wouldn’t know how to react to. What he’d said about what he did in Jeremy’s parents’ car, they’d remember that. But it was the boys he had to be worrying about. He’d get bumped and knocked around and shoved against the lockers and knocked down and probably hurt real bad and it’d be coming from all sides at once all day long, every day. Everyone would be making snide, demeaning, cruel, vicious remarks. How could he go to gym? How could he take a shower? If Jeremy were him, he thought, he’d be thinking about all that, and killing himself would be looking like a simple way out. But, was Jake thinking that?
Jeremy had read somewhere that gay boys did that anyway, thought about offing themselves, even without everyone knowing they were gay. Here, everyone now knew, and knew he jacked off all the time too, and he got hard thinking about that football player’s dick. Oh, wait, that was about Jeremy’s dick!
Now that was weird! That was big time weird. That made him wonder, did Jake think about him that way, like, liking him and all?
And then, as quickly as he thought that, he also thought, crazy as it might seem, he didn’t care if he did. Really. He thought, what difference does it make? None. He didn’t think that way about Jake. But if Jake got off on thinking about him, that didn’t bother him. So what? It didn’t affect him any. In a way, it was sort of cool. Jake thought about him, and about his hard dick, and that made him hard? Weird, but kinda cool. Sorta like a compliment, he guessed. He certainly didn’t know anyone else that got aroused just thinking about him or his body parts. Well, maybe Melissa, he sort of hoped she did, but he didn’t know. Not for sure.
Could he still be Jake’s friend? Now that’s something to think about. With all the abuse he’d be getting, some of it would rub off on him. Maybe a lot of it. If he was with him, right away he’d get labeled as queer, too. He’d be called names. Maybe get bumped in the halls. And if he tried to defend Jake, physically defend him, he’d probably get beat down. Could he handle that? Did he want to?
Jake started moaning. He was still lying awkwardly in Jeremy’s arms. Jeremy wriggled into a more comfortable position on the bed, never letting go of Jake.
In that moment, his attitude changed. His resolve firmed. Just in getting comfortable, and doing so in a way that he didn’t have to let go of Jake, his mind suddenly seemed to clear. Hey, he thought, if people wanted to call him gay, so what? He could take that. If he told Jake they weren’t friends any more, if he told him he wasn’t going to be with him at school, what then? What if he did kill himself? What if he went ahead and fucking killed himself? How much of that would be Jeremy’s fault?
No, he wasn’t going to say that. And, he realized, he didn’t want to anyway. Fuck the killing himself part, he didn’t want to lose Jake as a friend. He still wanted him for his friend. Jake had always been there for him, and he’d always liked him. Nothing was different about that. He wasn’t going to abandon Jake now. Jeremy wasn’t that kid, the one who would do that. He didn’t want to be that kid. And he wouldn’t be, he decided, lying on the bed holding Jake. He wouldn’t be that kid.
Jake was a good friend, and he wasn’t going desert a friend. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t do that. He liked him, and nothing had changed about that. He wanted to still spend time with him, still hang with him, because they got along, had fun together, and there’d be a hole in his life if Jake wasn’t there to fill it. He was his friend before all this, and he still was. The only thing different was, being his friend now was going to be harder. Probably bring Jeremy a world of hurt, too. So, bring it on. Bring it the fuck on!
He didn’t feel at all bad thinking this. He did wonder how bad it would get. For himself. He was sure there’d be some fights. He’d have to keep some guys off Jake, protect him. Some guy’d jump him, and he’d have to be there for him and take care of it. Jake wasn’t very big, couldn’t do much of that himself. Jeremy didn’t like fighting either, but he could do it if he had to. He’d probably have to. His mom’d be pissed if he got suspended, and his dad, well, he’d take it better than his mom would. He’d always talked about Jeremy standing up for himself. This would be even better, standing up for a friend. But that wouldn’t be why he’d do it. Not to make his dad happy. He’d do it for Jake, and because it was the right thing to do.
But if he got suspended, he wouldn’t be able to protect Jake then. Maybe the school would understand and not suspend him. If they wouldn’t protect him, how could they complain if he did their job for them? But they didn’t always see things the way the kids did.
Maybe he could talk to someone first thing. Mr. Tussaint, or Mrs. Rogers. Mr. Tussaint seemed okay. Jeremy’s middle school principal had been a real asshole, all stuck up and remote and no one could talk to him at all, but Mr. Tussaint was always smiling and stopping to talk to kids in the hall, and he listened to them, too. He seemed okay to Jeremy. Jeremy didn’t know him at all, and never had been real good at explaining anything to adults, but maybe. Maybe he could talk to him about this. He probably didn’t listen to that radio show like all the kids did. He might not know that Jake was going to get killed, and it was going to happen in his school. He might help, if he knew.
Mrs. Rogers was much more the bad cop to the principal’s good cop, but she was fair. Strict, hard as nails, not much fun in her, but fair. He’d always sort of liked her. She kept the badasses at school in line, and he liked that. If he couldn’t talk to Mr. Tussaint, maybe he could to her.
He needed to be ready for the fighting, because it would happen. But no matter how bad it was for him, that would be nothing like what it’d be for Jake, trying to survive everything that would be coming his way. He’d be scared shitless, just thinking about going to school. Every day. Wow! Think about it! He’d be scared before school, thinking about going, and then when he was there, and then going home, and then thinking about going back the next day. He’d be scared all the time!
He needed to get Jake to talk to him. He needed to know what he was thinking. Get him to talk, he should tell him that he’d be with him, and then they could go on from there. Jake had to be thinking about school, and what’d happen on Monday, didn’t he?
“Jake, man, what’s going on here? Come on, man, talk to me. What’re you thinking? Tell me. What’s going on inside your head, buddy? Please, talk to me. Are you thinking about the kids at school? We need to talk about that.”
Nothing, nothing at all from him. But wait, he was doing something. He was responding! He was shaking his head.
“Jake! Is that a no? What do you mean? No what? No, we don’t need to talk about the kids at school? No, you’re not thinking about them? What, Jake? What, no?”
Jake didn’t respond. He simply lay still, not moving away from Jeremy, not seeming to mind having the boy’s arms around him. Perhaps he was even taking comfort from that. Jeremy didn’t know what to do, and just as he was ready to try saying something else, Jake finally spoke. He spoke in a raw, unrecognizable voice. But he spoke.
“Not the kids. Mom.” Then, after a moment, “The kids too.”
Oh, shit. Jeremy had forgotten all about Jake’s mom.
Jake didn’t say anything else after that, but Jeremy felt him begin to shake again.
Damn it, Jake was shaking again! He was pulling away too, so Jeremy had to loosen his arms. When he did that, he saw Jake curl up, curl into himself on the bed.
Oh, shit, Jeremy thought. Jake had curled up and had gone all fecal on him—no, wait, that didn’t sound right. But something like that, he’d got in that position with his knees up to his chest and his arms wrapped about them. He wasn’t saying anything at all, but was kind of whimpering.
Jake’s whimpering became rhythmic. It wasn’t loud, but was incessant. He would inhale, then let out a long sort of desperate shuddering moan until he was out of breath, then repeat it. Over and over.
Jeremy was despairing when suddenly Jake simply stopped. In a voice as coarse as the one he’d used moments before, he said, “I want to die.”
Jeremy reached for him, lay down next to him and wrapped his arms around him, and then he started crying again, too.
Oh, man. Oh, fuck. When Jake got all fecal or whatever on Jeremy, Jeremy had thought Jake hadn’t wanted him holding him any more, but he’d felt he should. Jake wasn’t shaking him off, so maybe this was okay. He didn’t mind holding him. He didn’t even care if Jake realized he was crying too. He probably didn’t even know. Jake seemed to be someplace else right then.
Jeremy tried to stop crying, and finally did. He cleared his throat before trying to talk. When he finally was able to do that, when he figured his voice wouldn’t be too messed up, he said, “No way, man, don’t say that.”
Jake didn’t reply.
Jeremy felt really bad for him. But, he thought, you know, it’s funny how one’s mind works, because while he was busy feeling bad for Jake, what was strange was that he started feeling just a little bit proud of himself at the same time. He started feeling just a little proud of himself for staying here with Jake, when what he wanted more than anything right then was to be somewhere else. He felt proud, too, for having decided he was going to protect him. He knew that hadn’t changed at all. Then, he realized what a fucked up thought that was, feeling good about himself at how he was reacting when his friend was hurting enough to say he wanted to be dead. He immediately tried to push that feeling away, tried not to think it any more. He told himself it wasn’t a very good feeling, it was sort of sick, thinking about himself like that right then.
He pushed the thought away, and started thinking something else. At least he now knew what Jake was thinking about. So, he should start thinking about that, too, not about the kids at school, or about what Monday was going to be like, but instead about Jake’s mom. That came first to Jake, so he should think about it, too.
Maybe he could get him to talk about that. Maybe that would help.
“Jake?” Jeremy asked, softly. He squeezed him gently. When there was no response, Jeremy began talking to him, saying the things he guessed people always said in situations like this. He told him it’d be okay, it’d work out, that things wouldn’t be as bad as he was thinking they would be, that they’d figure something out, that he couldn’t give up, that they’d come up with something.
Every now and then, while Jeremy talked, Jake’s body spasmed. Feeling terrible for him, Jeremy kept right on talking.
He thought Jake was listening. But, he then realized there was absolutely no response from him. He tried squeezing his shoulder, then his arm, but got nothing back. No reaction at all. Jake just lay there, not shaking, not moaning, not responding at all.
“Jake?”
Nothing. No reaction.
Jeremy wasn’t sure at that point if Jake could hear him, even though they were right next to each other. Jake seemed to be spaced out, seemed in some far-off place. Jeremy immediately got worried. He felt an overwhelming need to bring him back.
“JAKE!” Jeremy yelled at him, loud, and shook him by the shoulder.
Jake jerked. He straightened out of his curled up position. The expression on his face changed, and he appeared to be alert.
“Jake, you had me scared, man! Don’t do that again. Tell me about your mom. Does she know? About you being gay, I mean. Wait, I guess she does, now, after tonight. What I mean is, did she know before this? Had you told her? Had you discussed it?”
“No.” Jake shook once, his whole body, another brief spasm. “No. I wasn’t sure I was, you know, and I didn’t know what she’d say. I was going to talk to her, some time. Not now. I wasn’t ready yet. I’m still not.”
“What do you think she’s gonna say?”
Jeremy was worried that asking that might set Jake off again, but it didn’t. When Jake spoke, his voice was a little stronger. Jeremy started to think that maybe what he’d been trying to do was actually working. Maybe getting him to talk was helping.
If he was talking, Jeremy reasoned, he had to be thinking rather than just feeling. Maybe that was why talking was so good!
“I don’t know, Jer. I just don’t. You know her. She’s really empathetic with all her patients, and I know from what she’s said that she doesn’t hate her gay patients. She feels for them, and tries to help them deal.”
He paused then to wriggle up and sit against the headboard before going on. Jeremy joined him there.
“But, you know how strict she is with me. You’ve seen her. I think she wants me to be the perfect kid. She has screwed up patients all day, and then comes home to me and overcompensates, doing everything she can to make sure I’m not as messed up as they are. And the way she does that is by insisting I be perfect. At least that’s what it feels like to me.”
‘Overcompensates.’ Jeremy smiled to himself. Man, was he glad to hear him say that, because that, to him, was Jake. He had a mother who was a child psychologist and he heard shit like that all the time and he talked that way himself sometimes, too. But he was on a roll and Jeremy wasn’t going to say a word, not even to kid him about ‘overcompensates’ like he usually would have.
“She wants to make sure I’m okay, and is always wanting me to talk to her about everything that’s going on. Like I’m supposed to tell her stuff I’m doing and thinking. Yeah, right! What kid our age does that? But she’s on me all the time that we need to communicate, that’s the way to keep our relationship healthy and me all right. But now she knows I haven’t been telling her a lot of stuff. So she’s going to be pissed about that, for sure, and even that I’ve been worrying about stuff. She’ll think I’ve let her down.”
Wow! That was kind of out there in left field, Jake was supposed to tell his mother everything? Kids didn’t do that. He sure the hell didn’t tell his parents any kind of shit like that. Kids kept things to themselves, or discussed them with their friends. Parents were sort of like the police, or the enemy. You didn’t tell them any more than you had to. Not if you were 15, like Jake was, or 16 even, like he was.
“She wants me to talk about sex, and I keep telling her I’m not doing anything. Now she knows what happened on the date and knows I’m lying. She’ll think I don’t trust her and don’t think I can communicate with her. So she’ll be pissed and disappointed. She won’t trust me now.”
Jake looked directly at Jeremy then, and Jeremy saw something there. A sort of plea, it looked like to him. He saw him take a deep breath.
“Jer, you heard what I said. That I jack off a lot. This is really hard for me to talk about. Even with you. Everyone heard that. I don’t see how I can possibly face anyone, but it’ll be even worse with my mom. Not in the same way as with other kids. In a different way. The kids are going to humiliate me for that. I don’t think I can go to school there anymore. Really. But Mom, that’ll be bad. Because she won’t think about the embarrassing aspects of it. She’ll see that as a sign of anxiety or social insecurity or something mental like that, and she’ll want to talk about it, explore it, get to the bottom of why I do that. She’ll want to talk to me about jerking off.”
He looked at Jeremy really hard, then dropped his eyes. He asked in a small voice, “Can you imagine talking with your mother about that? Well, she’s going to insist on it. She won’t take no for an answer.”
Man, was that fucked up! What was she going to do, get mad at him for not telling her he beats off all day long? Jeremy would have liked to be in on that conversation!
Oops. There he went again. This was really serious shit for Jake. Jeremy knew he had to stop that, letting his mind drift.
Jeremy reached over and put his hand on Jake’s shoulder. Jake looked back at him, looked him in the eyes.
“Jer, are you sure you want to touch someone who admitted what I did? What I do?”
Damn, his voice sounded sad and, well, awful. Like part of him had died or something. He was so sad!
Jeremy had to come up with something here. The fact was, he wasn’t sure what to think about that, about what Jake had admitted to. The main thing he thought was, man, he sure was glad he wasn’t in Jake’s shoes. But that thought wasn’t going to help anyone. He had to say something supportive. Something honest would be good, too.
“Jake, man, it won’t be that bad. Some guys are going to be jealous. Girls will be thinking you’re a sex machine and some will want to get with you, make you not gay any more. But kids are into their own lives. They’ll forget about this the next time something happens. And it’s no big deal to me. We all have problems. We all have stuff we’re embarrassed about. Look, now I know about this, and everything’s just the same. Nothing’s changed between us. Yes, I do want to put my hand on your shoulder. Anytime I feel like it. And I’ll feel like it just as often as I ever did before.”
Jeremy looked back into Jake’s eyes, hoping it wasn’t too dark because he wanted Jake to see into his, see he was telling him the truth. Jeremy was hoping Jake would see that because he knew Jake really, really needed that reassurance right then. He was encouraged by Jake’s response.
“Really? You don’t think I’m a freak? It doesn’t bother you?” Jeremy could hear hope in Jake’s scratchy voice.
“Jake, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me that you get hard thinking about me, either.”
Jake was still looking directly at Jeremy, and saw that Jake was startled at what he heard. Then what he saw in Jake’s face surprised him.
He could hardly believe it! He could see the beginnings of one of Jake’s little funny looking grins. Jake always wrinkled the corners of his mouth up in his own peculiar way just before he said something funny. Jake wrinkled them just then.
“Uh, Jer? I didn’t say I get hard thinking about you. I said I get hard thinking about you getting hard. Thinking about your dick. It’s different, you know. Let’s get it right.”
And then Jake smiled. It wasn’t much of a smile, but his lips were trying.
Jeremy was stunned. Oh, man. Oh man! He was feeling something here. He was feeling more for Jake right now than he ever had before. The only thing he could think was, he was feeling love for him. No, he told himself, not like that; he loved girls like that; if there was any doubt, and there wasn’t, man, Melissa had proved that to him on their last date. Zowie! So no, he didn’t want to do anything with Jake. But, he loved him, and he felt it so strongly just then, he knew he really did love him, loved him sort of like a brother. He knew, sitting there on Jake’s bed thinking, his shoulder touching Jake’s, that his life had changed. It would be different from now on. He was going to need a lot of courage for this, but he had that. He could do this, and he would. Every day at school till now, he’d been sort of a screw up, one of those guys who took things as they came and made them fun. He had been into just hanging, enjoying himself and all the guys, watching the girls and rating them, deciding who he wanted to ask out when he was ready, just getting by and enjoying the ride along the way. Things weren’t going to be that way any longer, not for Jake, and so not for him. But he was up for this. He could feel himself getting ready for this, just sitting there. Sitting with Jake. His resolve was growing stronger, just sitting next to Jake. He could do this.
Sitting there, he could feel something he hadn’t felt before. He had an idea that maybe it was what his mom was always talking about, telling him he had to get. She was always going on about him being the least responsible kid she knew. She was always saying he needed to develop some Responsibility. It always sounded like it had a capital R, the way she said it. She said he needed to grow up and be Responsible. Lying there, his arm brushing Jake’s, he thought, that’s what I’m feeling. Some of that Responsibility she’s always going on about.
I’m going to be there for Jake, he thought. I’m going to protect him. And even if I have to get beaten down every day for him, I will. I really will.
I will.