When the front door closed, Todd fully realized he was alone in the house with his father. He took a deep breath. Every bit of his history with his domineering father felt like it was weighing on his shoulders. His body, his spirit, was telling him to run. It took all his willpower to begin walking toward his father’s den, not knowing what to expect but anticipating fury, scathing words, and perhaps even physical violence.
When he reached the den, the door was still open as he’d left it. His father appeared not to have moved from the swivel chair he’d been sitting in. He was still sitting, looking blank, his eyes not focused on anything at all.
Todd started to walk into the room, then stopped and knocked on the open door. His father looked up. Todd then stepped into the room. Doing that without being given permission to enter was a huge accomplishment. He willed himself to stand straight, and, an even harder act, to meet his father’s eyes. He spoke softly, but made his tone firm, as firm as he could manage.
“I just wanted you to know I was going to go grab something to eat with Mr. McCluskey. I’ll be back later. Did you want me to pick up something at the restaurant to bring back for you?”
Such a normal, mundane question! Todd wanted that now: normal. He hungered for it. Now he would discover if it was possible. He hadn’t known normal with his father for what seemed to be forever. Could they start anew, now?
His father’s brow wrinkled slightly and a frown appeared. He was about to say something, then stopped himself. He appeared nonplused, and in the end, though he was meeting Todd’s eyes, he didn’t say anything. Todd nodded, then turned. “OK,” he said, his back now to his father. “I’ll be back when we’re through. I probably won’t see you when I come in. Good night.”
When he reached the car, Mr. McCluskey could see he was grinning. “I did it!” he said as he was getting into the front seat. “I was scared, but I did it. I forced myself to go speak to him. When I got there, I told him I was going out to dinner with you. Didn’t ask: told. He just sat there. I could see he was going to say something, but then he didn’t. He didn’t say anything! So I told him I was leaving, told him goodnight, and just walked out. I was shaking as I left him, but by the time I reached the front door, I was getting over it, and I had the strangest feeling. It felt like I was smiling inside. I’ve never felt that before!”
Mr. McCluskey laughed. “That was pride. That was self–esteem sneaking its way back into you from wherever it’s been hiding, and taking up residence there, setting its roots. Todd, your life is about to change. It’s already started. What it will become is now up to you. Not your father. You. That’s both liberating and scary all at once. But it’s what we all have to do, get to that place where we make our own choices, and live with the consequences of our acts. You’re doing it a little earlier than most, but you’re smart and I think you’re ready to grow up. You have to be, but the good thing is, you can handle it.”
He paused and looked at the boy, watched him smile, and gave him a chance to digest what had just been said. He started the car before he continued. “You probably have doubts about yourself. It’s to be expected after the way you’ve been treated. Doubting yourself has to have become habit with you, and it’s a habit that’s hard to break. But you’re smart, and that’ll help. You’ve got courage you don’t even know about. To walk alone to face your father, with the history you two have had… well, that’s outstanding. Not many boys your age could have done that. You did. You showed yourself just what you’re made of tonight. You showed me, too, and I’m so proud of you!” He reached over and put his hand on Todd’s shoulder, meeting the boy’s eyes. “I have so much confidence in you, Todd. And I’m really happy for you right now. Twenty–four hours ago, you thought your life was over. Now, it’s yours to do with as you will.”
He stopped, then took his hand off Todd and put his arm around his shoulders instead. He pulled them together, as much as was possible with the transmission console between them. “So,” he said eventually, “ready or not, you get to join the club. The one we all belong to one day. It’s the grown–ups club.”
He hugged Todd for a moment longer, and then to break the moment, released the boy and said, “I’m starving. I’ll bet you are too. Let’s go eat.”
»»»» 0 ««««
When Todd came out of his house the next morning still zipping up his coat, he was surprised to see Mr. McCluskey’s car sitting at the curb in front of the house, the engine running. The exhaust condensed and clouded the back of the car in the brittle morning air.
Todd walked up to the car and leaned down to look in the window. Mr. McCluskey waved him in.
Todd had a smile on his face when he opened the door. He asked, “What’s this, chauffeur service?”
Mr. McCluskey chuckled. “Well, that wasn’t really the main reason I’m here. But it’s a place to start. Get in and I’ll drive you to school.”
Todd climbed in, throwing his backpack onto the back seat. “Brrrrr,” he said, still smiling. “If you had to pick a day to drive me to school, this is a great one. It must be below freezing today. I wasn’t looking forward to waiting for the bus.”
The sky was so overcast the sun couldn’t be seen, and a cold wind was whipping the autumn leaves that were still on the ground. Todd had his warmest coat on and looked smaller than ever, hidden inside it.
“28 degrees, and supposed to be colder tonight,” Mr. McCluskey answered.
“It feels colder right now,” Todd replied, shivering. “Looks like it might snow. The sky seems pregnant with it.”
Mr. McCluskey shot him a quick look, then started laughing. “‘Pregnant with it’? Where’d you get that?”
Todd blushed, but grinned. “I might have read it somewhere. I read a lot.”
Mr. McCluskey just shook his head and smiled. He was thinking of the changes he’d seen in the boy during their brief acquaintance, and marveled for the umpteenth time at the resiliency of youth.
He pulled away from the curb once Todd was buckled in and looking at the road in front of him, asked, “So, how’d it go last night after I dropped you off? Did you see your father again?”
“No. All the lights were out. I went in and straight up to my room. He was gone when I got up this morning, but he always goes in to work early.” Todd stopped then, but before Mr. McCluskey could speak again, twisted in his seat to look at him and said, “Oh, that’s why you’re here! You thought I might… that he might have… well, you wanted to check I was OK, huh?”
Mr. McCluskey smiled at him and didn’t reply.
Todd wouldn’t let it pass at that. He had found he could say what he felt when he was with Mr. McCluskey, something he felt uncomfortable doing with everyone else. He always had had to be so careful with what he said. It was liberating for him to speak freely, to ask what he wanted to ask, and he took advantage of it now. “That was it, huh? You were worried about me?”
Mr. McCluskey kept his eyes on the road in front of him and still didn’t answer, but when Todd waited for him to speak, he finally did. “Well, maybe a little. I don’t know your father at all. I was pretty sure you’d be OK, though, because I couldn’t see him giving up his job just to do something to you. Besides, you didn’t really do anything to him; I did. I forced him to agree to some things he didn’t want to agree to. I took some power away from him, and I diminished him a little in his own eyes by doing that, I think. The only way you come into it is, you watched it happen, and he knows you saw it.”
They were passing Todd’s bus stop just then. There were several kids there, waiting, stamping their feet and folding their arms around themselves, trying to keep in as much body heat as possible and their circulation flowing. Todd didn’t even see them. He was looking intently at Mr. McCluskey.
“But I think his job and the feelings of superiority and self–worth he gets from having it are the most important things he has in his life. It is terribly unlikely he would jeopardize that for revenge on you. He wouldn’t think it was worth it. I was ninety–nine and a half percent sure of that.” Mr. McCluskey chuckled. “The other half percent made me drive over here this morning. Well, it was one of the reasons I did that.”
Todd was silent, then turned to study the gray sky for a moment or two before turning back to Mr. McCluskey. “You really do care about me. Maybe you care about all the kids at school, I don’t know, but I know you do care about me, and no one ever has before. No one has checked to see if I’m all right, or listened to what I had to say and then tried to help me. I don’t really know what to say, other than thanks. I can’t put into words how good knowing you care about me makes me feel. You’ve helped me so much, I can hardly believe it.”
He stopped and turned his head away. Mr. McCluskey looked straight ahead, giving him a moment of privacy. When Todd spoke again, there was a measure of wistfulness in his voice. “I didn’t think it would be possible to be out from under my father’s control till I was eighteen. Now, I guess I am. I was sure yesterday and the night before that I’d be going to that… that awful place. I thought… well, I want to forget about it. Anyway, that’s over with and I’m still here. That’s still sinking in. Everything that’s happened is still sinking in. But it’s because of you that I’m OK now, and I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.”
Mr. McCluskey kept looking forward. He let a moment pass, then said, “You’re worth it, Todd. Just keep thinking that. Keep realizing how true it is. Let that realization grow. It needs to be part of you.”
Todd looked at him, but didn’t reply. After a time, he sat up straighter and seemed to come out from inside of himself. “You said there were a couple of reasons you were at my house this morning. What was the other reason you came to get me?”
“Well, I wanted to ask you something. It would be a favor, and I don’t think you’re going to like it. But I hope you’ll at least listen.”
Todd smiled. “Sure. You’ve helped me so much, I don’t think there’s much you can ask me to do for you that I’d turn down.”
“Well, you might this,” Mr. McCluskey rebutted wryly. “Anyway, I’ve got quite a lot to tell you. Some you know already, some you don’t.
“How do I start this? Let’s see.” Mr. McCluskey thought for a moment. “I guess like this. You said your father goes in early to work every day. Well, me too. When there’s no one there, I can catch up on my paperwork. There’s as much paper pushing in this job as in being a social worker! And during school hours, I’m always running around, putting out fires, talking to kids and teachers. There isn’t much time for working at my desk while school’s in session. So, I go in early.”
He paused while working his way around a taxi that had just cut him off, then pulled to the curb, leaving its rear end sticking out into traffic.
“Today,” he continued, “when I went in, I found Geoff there. He was sleeping in the little alcove that shelters the side doorway, the one we use to get into the school from the parking lot the teachers and staff use. I woke him up. He said he needed to talk to me, and so we started off for my office.
“But he was about frozen, and was shivering so hard I had to do something. As cold as it is now, it was colder overnight, and he spent some of it right there, huddled in that doorway with only a thin jacket on. I took him to the locker room and had him get in a warm shower, and made him some cocoa, and after a couple of cups of that and the shower, he gradually warmed up. Then we went to my office.”
Mr. McCluskey took a quick glance at Todd, just enough to see the boy was following this with rapt attention.
“When we were in my office, Geoff told me quite a story. About what happens at home, about his family. He also told me he’d told you.” Mr. McCluskey took another fast look at Todd, and was pleased the boy met his eyes and didn’t turn away. A week ago, maybe even two days ago, he would have.
“Anyway, he told me that last night, his brother Allen tried to rape him.”
Todd reacted when he heard this, but Mr. McCluskey continued without pause. “Geoff says he hit his brother with something and knocked him unconscious. Geoff said he wasn’t sure it wasn’t even worse than that, he didn’t stop to find out. He just took off. He says he can’t go back there. He doesn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen him like this. Geoff is the last kid I’d ever to expect to look vulnerable or scared, but today, he was. Is.
“He told me about his father, about the physical abuse he’s taken, about his brother Ray, and about the meth.”
He stopped to let that sink in. They were at a stoplight, waiting for the green, so Mr. McCluskey took the opportunity to look steadily at Todd for a moment. “I understand why you didn’t say anything to me about what he’d told you, but I wish you had. Though I don’t blame you or fault you for not doing so.”
Todd asked, “What’s going to happen now? Where will Geoff go? Are you going to call the cops? Do you know if Allen’s all right?”
“I was coming to all that. As I said, I have quite a lot to tell you. And I wanted to do it now, before school starts.
“I get to school at 6 every morning. That’s when I found Geoff. He told me about the meth and the abuse sometime between 6:30 and 6:45 this morning. You might not be aware of it, but school administrators must notify the police and social services when they learn certain things. This was one of them. I called the police. Geoff was scared when I did that. He didn’t want me to, but I had no choice, and it didn’t take long before he saw it was the right thing to do.
“At 7 this morning, four police officers—large ones—and two paramedics went to Geoff’s house.
“When they got there, Geoff’s dad was gone. They told me it looked like he had fled. Allen was lying on Geoff’s bed, his pants down around his ankles, still wearing his shirt. He was unconscious. They called an ambulance and they have him in the hospital now. They think it’s simply a bad concussion, but will know more when he wakes up.”
They were nearing the school, and yellow busses could now be seen on the streets, full of kids on their way to school. Kids were on the sidewalks, too, walking in groups, pairs and some by themselves. Mr. McCluskey slowed to a crawl. Rather than continue on to the school, only a short distance away, he pulled into a corner shopping area and parked, turning off the engine. “I have more to say, and it’s easier here than at school.” He smiled at Todd. “There’s a donut shop here that makes great stuff. I’m going to get something, and we can talk in there. I’m buying.” He opened his door, then said to Todd, “Come on.”
They walked together to the donut shop. It had four tables in the back, none of them occupied, and there were several glass cases up front with a huge display of different types of donuts and pastries. The smell in the shop was of sugar and yeast. Todd never ate much in the morning. Today he’d had a bowl of cold cereal and a glass of milk, which was his usual fare. Just the smell of the donut shop made his mouth water.
Mr. McCluskey made some remarks to the girl behind the counter and she to him. It was obvious to Todd that Mr. McCluskey was a regular customer. The girl had got him a large black coffee without being asked as he was still walking toward the counter, and two plain donuts, too. Mr. McCluskey looked a question at Todd, and after studying the cases for a moment, the boy asked if he could have a jelly donut and an apple fritter, and maybe a cup of cocoa.
When they had their order and were sitting at a table in the very back of the room, Mr. McCluskey took a bite of donut, sipped some coffee, and said, “Geoff’s very scared. He says his father will come after him. He says if anyone does anything his father doesn’t like, it’s never forgotten. He’ll blame what happened to Allen on him, he’ll blame him for the cops coming to the house when he finds out about it. And he says his father will find him. He’ll check the CPS home for kids. He’ll watch the school. When he finds him, he thinks he’ll grab him, and he’ll beat him, and might even end up killing him. He says when his father gets upset at anyone he gets violent, and he just loses himself in his anger.
“He says he can’t go to school any more until his father is caught. He needs a place to hide. A place where his father won’t find him.”
He stopped and finished his donut, then took a sip of his coffee, and lifted his eyes to Todd’s.
Todd looked at him, then back at the table. He’d eaten half the jelly donut. He was saving the fritter, his favorite, for last. He didn’t say anything, just dropped his eyes, looking down at his food.
Mr. McCluskey waited. He began nibbling on his second donut and didn’t say a word, just watching the boy think.
Finally the silence was too much for Todd. “You want me to tell you he can stay with me, huh? At my house.”
“Perhaps. What I’d like better is if you’d tell me you’d be willing to let him stay with you until it’s safe for him to go home.”
“I don’t like him.” Todd sat up straighter and raised his eyes to meet Mr. McCluskey’s. “You know that.”
Mr. McCluskey shook his head, disagreeing. “I think you did hate him, until you started to know him a little. Hasn’t he saved your ass a couple of times?”
Todd took a sip of cocoa, set the cup back down on the table, then looked back up at Mr. McCluskey. The corners of his mouth wrinkled a little. “How come you use curse words around kids?” he asked. “I didn’t think you were supposed to do that?”
Chuckling, Mr. McCluskey replied, “I’m not, but I doubt anyone will tell on me, and it gets kids’ attention. It makes kids wonder, if I don’t follow that rule, what other rules might I break, and so scares them a little. It goes with the image I’m trying to establish. A tough guy. No nonsense. Hates kids. That’s me.”
“That’s you? I’d say bullshit, but I’ve never sworn in my life,” said Todd, and then he blushed and giggled.
Mr. McCluskey broke into a big grin, and then laughed. “How did that feel?”
“Really? It felt wrong, somehow. Maybe you have to get used to it.”
“Don’t do it if it feels wrong, or forced. Be yourself Todd. You’re a really good person. You don’t have to do anything to impress people. Believe me.”
Todd met his eyes, and smiled.
Mr. McCluskey held it for a moment, then asked, “Well?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know perfectly well what I mean! Are you willing to give him a place to stay for a while? I doubt it’ll be for long. He’s saved your ass a couple of times; you’d be repaying the favor and saving his now.”
“Yeah, but the only reason he needed to save my butt was because he’d started all the other bullies pounding on it. Without him doing what he did, it, or maybe I should say I, wouldn’t have needed saving.”
“Maybe. But the fact is, he did save it. Doesn’t that mean anything? You’ve been helping him with his schoolwork and you didn’t really need to. You’re smart enough to have realized that.”
Todd didn’t answer. He wiped some jelly off his chin and picked up his fritter. “My father wouldn’t like it.”
“So what? I told him you could do what you want, have friends over, and he agreed. I’ll talk to him if you want.”
“What if his father never gets caught?”
“Then we’ll figure something else out. You know, he’s not the same kid he was a couple of
weeks ago. I’d guess you’ve noticed that. You could still help him with his schoolwork, take his
assignments home with you. You’d have someone to talk to. And if you got tired of him being there, or you
were unhappy having him there, you’d just have to tell me and I’d move him. I don’t know where,
but you’re the boss here. Your opinion matters. You call the shots.”
“I’ve never called the shots,” Todd said, thinking about it. “I don’t know
how.”
“You live in a brand new world, kid, starting last night.”
Todd thought about that, nibbling on his fritter. Then he glanced at his watch and said, “Hey, we’ll be late to school. We have to go.”
Mr. McCluskey laughed. Then he leaned over the table, closer to Todd, and whispered, “If you don’t tell anyone, I know the vice–principal, and he can get you off if you’re late.”
Todd smiled. Then he started thinking again. Finally, he looked up at Mr. McCluskey. “I don’t know what to say. I haven’t made any decisions for a while. I wasn’t allowed to. Now, the first one you want me to make… it’s hard. I know what you want, and I want to just go along with what you’d like me to do. But you also want me to make the decisions based on what I want. I’m not sure what I want. This is a biggie. As I said, it’s hard.”
“Why is it so hard?” Mr. McCluskey wrinkled his forhead.
“Because I can see reasons both to have him stay and reasons not to.”
“Welcome to the real world, Todd.” Mr. McCluskey got a wry grin on his face. “That’s the way lots and lots of things are. Maybe most things.” Mr. McCluskey saw Todd looking at the table again, and it caused him to remember he had to be gentler, more supportive. Todd was making progress, but this was all new to him.
“Look,” he sighed, “maybe this will help. I remember when I was your age I spent a lot of time thinking, just trying to figure things out. I decided that one of the things I wanted to be, then and throughout life, was a good person. I’d already met a bunch of people who weren’t. You have too. I knew I didn’t want to be like they were. I wanted to be better than that: I wanted to be good.
“I wasn’t sure what I had to do to be good, but I thought I was already a good kid, and I knew the difference at my age between doing what was right and what was wrong. I didn’t think that would change; I thought I’d always know the difference. I didn’t realize then how complicated everything would get as I got older.
“Well, things do get complicated, as you’re seeing now. But you know what’s funny? If you look inside yourself deep enough, you can still know what’s right and what isn’t, even if it’s complicated.”
Mr. McCluskey shook his head. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you, Todd. I don’t know if you ever even think about if you’re good or not, or even if you care.”
That got an immediate response. “Yes, I do care about that. I actually do that a lot, think about that. Because I know so many people who don’t seem to care if they’re good or not, if what they’re doing is right or wrong. People like my father. I often wonder why it’s important to me, and not to them. It’s always just seemed one more way I’m different from other people. Because I do want to do what’s right!”
Mr. McCluskey smiled at Todd’s passion. “You’re not that different, Todd. You’ve just had some really bad luck in your life. You haven’t had much choice of what adults you’ve had to deal with. As you get older, that’s one of the things you can do, control who you’re around, who’s in your life and who isn’t. That’s where having the ability to make decisions for yourself really matters.”
Todd was silent for a moment, then asked, “So how does wanting to be good help here?”
“Think about it for a minute. I think you’ll figure that out.”
“That isn’t fair! You make me do all the work!”
“Hey! Finally, you’re sounding like a whiney 14–year–old! Congratulations!”
Todd smiled. He finished his fritter, and Mr. McCluskey didn’t say anything to interrupt his thoughts.
When Todd had finished his cocoa, too, he looked up. “I think I see what you’re driving at. I should look at what’s right when I’m trying to figure this out. What would be the right thing to do, and what would be the wrong thing. And what’s important here isn’t just what I feel about it. It’s the other people involved, what’s right and wrong for them, too. I should care about that as well when I make the decision.”
Mr. McCluskey got a huge smile on his face, then stood up and told Todd to stand up, too. Todd did, and Mr. McCluskey gave him a warm, tight hug, and without letting go said, “You’re all right, kid. You’re really all right. I’m proud of you!”
Todd was glowing when Mr. McCluskey released him. He started to say something, and Mr. McCluskey stopped him. “No, I’m afraid if you tell me what you’ve decided now, it’ll simply be what you know I’d like you to say. I want you to think about it. For as long as it takes, until you’re absolutely sure and you’re totally satisfied within yourself that you’re making the right decision, that it’s for you and not for me, and you can live with it. Come to my office when you’re ready. Now, we’ve got to get to school. It’s already the middle of first period, and they have a real tyrant working there who’s hard on kids who’re tardy.”
»»»» 0 ««««
Andy was already there when Todd came to the table with his lunch on his tray. Andy looked up at him, smiled, gulped, then looked away. Todd sat down in the chair opposite him and said, “Andy?”
Andy looked up, and Todd smiled at him. A big smile that lit up his face. His eyes were sparkling and full of life. Andy had never seen him look that way before. He immediately began blushing, and looked away again.
“Please Andy? Please look at me. I know it’s hard, but you can. Please?”
It took some determination, but finally Andy looked up and willed himself not to drop his eyes.
Todd looked right at him, and the smile on his face wouldn’t go away. Looking at it, and at the happiness it conveyed, Andy couldn’t help but smile either, and when he did, his cuteness about doubled.
“Andy, you asked me once about coming over to your house after school. Well, things at home have changed. I can now. I can hang out with you whenever you want. If you can come to my house, that’s OK too. I want you to. I mean I really want us both to do that. I haven’t had a friend for so long. And I want one. I want you.”
Andy’s eyes opened a little wider, and he giggled.
“No, wait!” said Todd. “I didn’t mean it like that!” Then he laughed. “Well, maybe I mean what you might have thought I meant, too.” He gave Andy a sexy grin and wiggled is eyebrows, showing he was playing with him, and that was all he was doing. Then he said, “What I did mean was that I really want to have you as my friend. And I can now. I can.”
Andy was grinning, and still meeting Todd’s eyes. “When can you come over? Tonight?”
“Probably not tonight, but soon for sure, if you want. I have a lot of things to do. We’re getting a new housekeeper and I have to interview her. I’ve never done anything like that, but Mr. McCluskey is going to help.”
“Mr. McCluskey?! Aren’t you afraid of him? He’s mean!”
Todd laughed a second time. It felt good to laugh; it had been a long time since he’d felt so free to do so. “He’s a pussycat.” He saw the look of dismay on Andy’s face, and couldn’t help but laughing again. He said, “I was afraid of him at first, but I told him off and he backed right down. If he gives you any trouble, just come to me. I’ll fix it for you.”
Andy’s eyes got bigger, and Todd roared with laughter. When he could find the breath to speak again, he said, “Well, I’m kidding a little, and in fact I was really scared of him at first too, but he honestly is a nice man. He’s going to help me with the housekeeper interviews.”
“Really? You’re just meeting with him, and talking to him like he was a regular person? You’re not in any kind of trouble?”
“No, I’m not. I like him. I’ll tell you about it someday. But about me coming over. Let’s plan on it soon. A lot is going on right now, but I want us to get together. In a couple of days for sure. Your house or mine?”
“Can I call you?”
Todd started to say yes, but then realized he had no idea what his telephone number was. He’d never needed it. His father had filled out all the school enrollment papers for him. So, he quickly retrenched and got Andy’s number, wrote it down, and told him he’d call him at nine that evening.
They talked for the rest of the lunch hour. It was the first time they’d been able to do that without their mutual shyness kicking in, making conversation almost impossible. Now, that was gone, buried in their enthusiasm and new closeness. They both left the cafeteria with smiles on their faces.
»»»» 0 ««««
Todd didn’t go to Mr. McCluskey’s office until after school. He plopped down in the uncomfortable chair. Mr. McCluskey looked up from his computer screen and grinned at him. “I remember, way back when, that you’d walk in here like you were going to your execution. Now you saunter in like you own the place! When was that again? Oh, right. About a week and a half ago!”
Todd just grinned at him. Then he said, “I made up my mind about Geoff.”
“Oh, good. What did you decide?”
“I think he should come stay with me.” Todd glanced up, saw Mr. McCluskey start to smile, and hurried on, explaining himself.
“He really hurt me, both physically and in how I thought of myself, and I have a hard time letting that go, but you were right when you were talking about good people and not so good people. I don’t know how you knew I thought about that. But I do. I have. And being a good person means doing good things when you have the chance. If I turned Geoff away now simply because of what he’d done to me, on one level I’d probably feel good about it, thinking I was justified, but it would be revenge, and that would sink me down to his level. I’m pretty sure I’d be unhappy with myself when I looked back on it a few years from now.”
Todd paused, chewing his bottom lip. “I want to be proud of myself,” he said, continuing his thought. “I’ve felt bad about myself for a long time now. This will allow me to feel good about something I’ve done, and to take some control. It’ll also help Geoff, and I think it’ll make you proud of me, and that matters to me. It felt good when you told me you were proud of me. No one has ever said that to me before that I can remember.”
He started to look down after saying that, but then kept his eyes on Mr. McCluskey’s instead.
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Todd didn’t know what he was supposed to do for dinner that evening. In the past, his father often ate out. On those occasions, he found that his father wouldn’t be joining him for the meal only after he’d gone to the table at the appointed time for dinner, which had been 8 PM, and found a place set only for one. Mr. Thomas had served him, he’d eaten alone, and that had been that.
Now, Mr. Thomas was only an unpleasant and scary memory. When a housekeeper–cum–cook was working for them, meals would be her province. Now, however, he wasn’t sure what to do. His father usually got home at night between seven–thirty and eight. It was now seven, and he didn’t know whether to fix himself something, order a pizza or maybe Chinese food to be delivered, wait for his father to come home, or what? It seemed like a subtle rebuke of his father for him to go ahead without including him, yet he didn’t know whether his father would have already eaten, or if he’d even want to eat with his son, given the circumstances.
Todd still wanted a relationship with his father, even after everything he’d been through. He wanted a different one than he’d had, and hoped that was possible. If it was, if it could be worked out, it seemed he was the one who would have to try to make it happen, and waiting for his father before eating by himself would be a natural first step. Even if he was dismissed out of hand by his father, he’d have made the effort.
He realized the first thing the two of them had to do was sit down and talk. How they were going to behave together, whether there was going to be any mutuality between them, both needed to be decided. Otherwise, eating evening meals was only one area where he’d be uncertain how to act, and would never know what to expect. He hated being embarrassed, and not discussing these things with his father seemed to guarantee that that would happen repeatedly.
He decided to wait for his father to get home, and try to talk to him. He could only try. If it didn’t work, then it didn’t. But he wanted to make the effort. He hoped for the best.
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Andy’s phone rang at 9:01. He picked it up before the first ring had ended and answered a little breathlessly.
“Hello?”
“Andy?”
Andy giggled. “Todd?”
“Hi,” Todd said, suddenly bashful. He forced himself to go on. “I’m busy tomorrow. I wish we could do it then, but… darn, I not really sure when I can. Did you ask your mom? I mean, about whether you can come here or I can go there?
“Yeah. She said she wants to meet you, so you should come here. You can really come?”
“Yeah. When we do it, I can ride the bus with you. Could someone there drive me home? Or maybe I can walk. I don’t know where you live.”
“Yeah, my mom can take you home if it’s too far. I can’t wait. I want to show you my room and my stuff.”
Todd almost made a joke about Andy asking him if he could come and then telling him he wanted to show Todd his stuff. But, his nerve failed him. He just didn’t know Andy well enough, and was afraid he might not think it as funny as he did. He might even think Todd was weird! So, instead, he simply said, “This is going to be great. OK, well, I’ll see you at school tomorrow and we can talk about it. Thanks for inviting me, Andy.”
“OK. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Todd took a deep breath, let it out, and smiled.
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The door from the garage closing jerked Todd awake. He’d been waiting for his father and had dozed off on the couch in the living room. He was surprised he’d done that; he thought his nervousness would have kept him awake. Perhaps, he thought, it was the opposite. Being so nervous had tired him out.
The lights went on in the kitchen, and Todd could hear cupboards being opened, then the refrigerator. He sighed and wished his heart would go back down into his chest where it belonged. Breathing with it up in his throat was difficult.
Forcing himself, he got off the couch and walked to the kitchen. There he stopped and stood in the doorway. His father was standing, looking into the refrigerator. He was unaware he was being watched.
Todd was about to clear his throat, but then thought that was silly. He needed to be strong, and as mature as he could be. So, reaching for all the resolve he had in him, he simply spoke.
“Father?” His voice came out high and nervous.
Mr. Mortensen straightened, then slowly shut the refrigerator door and turned.
Todd noted the very expressionless look on the man’s face. At least it wasn’t rage, he thought. He could imagine several expressions he didn’t want to see, several he’d seen in the past. This was probably the best he could expect.
He started to speak, then stopped and took a breath; he concentrated on making his voice lower pitched and less shaky when he tried again. “Father, can we talk? I’d like us to. I think we need to.”
Mr. Mortensen continued to stare at his son for a moment. His face didn’t change, but Todd could see something in his eyes. His father was thinking, he was feeling things, different things. He simply wasn’t showing them on his face. But he couldn’t keep his eyes expressionless.
Mr. Mortensen turned and set the bottle of juice he was holding on the counter, then turned back to Todd. “In my study,” he said, his voice neutral, and started walking toward the doorway, toward where Todd was standing.
Todd turned and walked to the study. Should he walk in? He hated all the fears of this sort he had. How to act? What to say? He was 14, and shouldn’t be bothered by such mundane things. But the way he’d lived, he’d had to act certain ways, and one way had been that he didn’t enter any of his father’s rooms without express permission. Old habits die hard.
So when he got to the room, even though the door was open, he stopped and let his father precede him into the room.
He took the same chair he’d sat in the other night. His father looked down at him, then he sat where Mr. McCluskey had sat.
They looked at each other. Then, before his father could say anything, Todd spoke. He had decided, walking from the kitchen to the den, he needed to be the one to set the tone. He didn’t want his father trying to dictate whatever the new relationship between them would be. He wanted to set the terms, or at least articulate what he wanted. His father might balk, he might have completely different ideas in mind, but Todd didn’t care if he did. He wanted the discussion to follow from points he himself laid out. For that to happen, he had to speak first. So, difficult as it was for him, he began the conversation, wondering even as he did so if he could be strong enough to pull this off.