Circumstances 45

I was stunned.  My mother was taking me to Dubuque?  And then, the other thing he’d said.  When I could I stuttered, “A trust fund?  $75,000?!”

He tried to chuckle, but the emotions of the last couple minutes

made that pretty hard, and he ended up with a sad smile instead.  “As I said, don’t think about it too much.  You’ll need that money at some point, so it’s there.  End of story.  Oh, just so you know, it’s in a trust, and my wife and I are co-executors.  You do have access to the money, but we have to countersign any withdrawals.  If you’ve had your eyes on a Mercedes convertible roadster, now that you could buy it, forget it.  It’s not going to be sitting in the driveway tomorrow.”

“I don’t have a driver’s license.”  I said it with an entirely straight face, and then, perhaps to relieve the tension, I laughed.  He did too, and the mood in the room lightened.  “Well, maybe an ATV then, or a moped,” he said.  “Boys like stuff like that.  But, seriously, I hoped knowing you had some money available if you ever simply had to have some would give you some comfort, maybe a little feeling of stability.”

I nodded, and began to thank him, but he brushed that away.  I didn’t really know how to thank him properly anyway.  I don’t think the amount of money meant much to me.  Before living with Jenks, I was used to having less than $5 in my pocket.  Money didn’t mean much because I’d never had any.

I did have a question for him, one much more important than money.  “So you’re telling me she can show up here any day now, and I have to go with her?”

He frowned.  “I can’t answer that, Keith.  I’m simply not sure.  I’m having my lawyers look at it.  I guess I should tell you something else.  I wasn’t sure if I should or not, but, well, you’re a smart young man, and you think about things, so you’ll think about this, and it’s better if I just tell you.

“My lawyer asked your mother something else, something I’d told him to ask her.  He asked her if she’d be willing to let us adopt you.  She said no, and said it rather forcefully.  So, you’re right, she does have the legal responsibility for you, and she can come get you.”

“You wanted to adopt me?”  My heart was suddenly racing.

“I wanted to look at all the possibilities.  That was certainly one of them.  It was something we needed to find out.”

“But, you wanted to adopt me?”  I was having a hard time thinking.

He stopped what he’d been about to say and just looked at me, and I saw the warmest look I’d ever seen from an adult.  My mother never once looked at me that way that I could remember.

“You’re a wonderful boy, Keith.”  His voice was like velvet, and as he spoke his eyes became a bit watery.  “You came here from a life that was much different, but while you were shy and hesitant, you were honest and polite and friendly, and wide open to your new experiences.  You fit right in with us, and you’ve been fun to have.  But I’ve seen you just sitting, too, and thinking, and seen your face when you’ve done that.  I know that you’ve had a tough life up until now.  You deserve a break.  I watched you, and talked to you, and I’ve seen your spirit and intelligence and how you get along with all of us.  Keith, I liked you when I first met you, and as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve grown to love you.  So has everyone in this family.  We want you here.  We’d love to have another son, if that son could be you.”

He paused, maybe to let that sink in, then shook his head and said, “But she said no, and the law will side with her on this unless we could prove incompetence, and that’s awfully difficult.  In this case, probably impossible.”

I dropped my head.  It sucked being 14. 

He put his hand on my shoulder, and repeated what he’d said before, that nothing bad ever happened to people under his roof, and I had to remember that.  But, it didn’t seem to me he had as much spirit in his voice when he said that this time.  It sounded more like wishful thinking.

Still, they wanted to adopt me.  They loved me.  Me!  That love I’d felt since I’d been in this house, from Mrs. Jenks, from Gary, and lately from Mr. Jenks too, and the love I’d developed for them, it was all real.  I’d sometimes felt I was making it up because I wanted love so badly, and it was easy to imagine that’s what I felt in that house.  But it hadn’t been wishful thinking.  They loved me!  They did.  I was stunned, and suddenly gloriously happy.

Maybe I’d be going to Dubuque, maybe my life would be going downhill a little after what I had now, but no one, ever, would take this away from me.  I now knew that I had adults that loved me.  With all my faults, all that was wrong with me, they still loved me.

If these people, these wonderful people, could love me, then maybe I wasn’t a worthless nonentity who deserved all the shit that came my way.  If the Jenks loved me, then I wasn’t worthless!

I should have felt terrible, walking out of that den knowing my life here could end at any time my mother wished it, but I didn’t.  We sat down to dinner, and the conversation flowed around me.  I was somewhere else.  My head was full of thoughts, and I barely heard what was being said.  I must have eaten, my plate was empty when I left the table, but I didn’t remember eating at all.  I was entirely inside my head, thinking about what Mr. Jenks had said.  And I realized, wherever I ended up living, whether I had my own room or a couch in a living room, whether I had a school to go to or I was stuck flipping burgers, suddenly none of it mattered nearly as much.  He’d said they loved me.  He loved me.  They all loved me.

For a boy who’d felt unloved his entire life, that made an incredible difference.  It changed everything.  Yes, my circumstances were changing, had changed in fact, but my head was up, my spirits were up, and my stomach didn’t hurt at all.