Circumstances 42

I didn’t cry this time, but my stomach certainly knew something was wrong.  It was so tight it was hurting by the time we got home.  Mrs. Jenks had been trying to comfort me, telling me we’d find out what was happening and not to worry, but for once, it wasn’t helping.

I was a mess until Mr. Jenks got home that evening, and then we went to his den and I poured out all my fears to him.  I told him she was selling the house and hadn’t called me to let me know what was happening, and I knew she didn’t love me but was she abandoning me?  Was she planning on living in San Diego without even telling me about it?  Was the job in San Diego falling apart and had she found another one, somewhere else, and was she going to drag me to that one?  Would I have to leave the Jenks?  I guess, after all that, what bothered me most was she hadn’t even bothered to call me.  I’d had no contact at all with her since she’d left other than when I’d called her, and that hadn’t worked out well at all.

I went on and on telling him my fears, and he sat next to me with his arm around my shoulders and let me talk.  Talking should have made me feel better, but all it did was wind me up tighter.  Finally, I began to slow down.  I sniffed a couple of times, but I didn’t cry.  I wasn’t going to let myself.

He was quiet and allowed me to settle myself.  When my breathing was calmer, he gave my shoulder another squeeze and took his arm away.

“Keith,” he said, “You’ve got a whole lot of worries there.  But that’s all they are, worries.  The problem is, you don’t know what’s really happening.  It could be something to be upset about, but maybe it isn’t.  Worrying doesn’t do anything but make you feel bad.  What we have to do is find the answers to those questions you asked.  Those are good, legitimate questions that you need answered.  You have the right to know what’s happening that will affect your life.

“So, how about you let me find those answers for you?”

I tried to smile.  “Can you do that?  If I call her, she’ll probably just hang up on me again.  I know I’d never find out all I want to know.  I don’t even have a phone number for her other than her work number, and she doesn’t want me calling there.”

I was frowning by the time I’d said all that, as my circumstances had become clearer to me.  It appeared they weren’t very good, but it was the uncertainty that was killing me.

“I can find out what’s what.  It might take a couple of days, but I can do it.  You know what I do for a living, don’t you?”

“Sort of.  Gary said you were the head of a service company.  That your company provides services for other companies.”

He laughed.  “Sounds sort of boring, doesn’t it?”

“Well...” I said, then laughed along with him.

“I guess it can be, when the services are to provide loaner computers for a start-up venture, or to cater a teaching seminar, or provide transportation from the airport to a convention center for folks attending an annual meeting, or provide construction trailers for a jobsite.  We do all those things.  But we’re a large company, and have several divisions, and do other things as well.  We have a legal division, and a security division, and both of those share an investigative unit.  We have people that are experienced and expert in just what you need: gathering information.”

I hadn’t known just what Mr. Jenks did.  Now, I realized he was a lot more important than I’d thought, and why they had, as Mrs. Jenks had told me, more money than they’d ever need.

Mr. Jenks patted my shoulder.  “I’ll know something in a day or two.  In the meantime, Keith, tell yourself not to worry.  Whatever we learn, we’ll figure out what needs to be done then.  OK?  Can you just keep your cool for a day or two?”

I couldn’t help myself.  I’d worked myself into a state, and here he was not only calming me down, but making sure I felt OK, too. 

I didn’t answer him.  I simply threw myself at him and hugged him, hard.  He returned it.  It didn’t feel at all like one of Mrs. Jenks’ hugs.  It was different, firmer, bonier, but in its own way, it felt just as good.

In school the next day, I was in the halls when I tripped.  No one did it, I just tripped over my own feet.  “Shit,” I yelled as my books and papers went flying.  I looked up and saw an older kid looking at me strangely.  I guess he wasn’t used to seeing kids fall down for no reason.  I shrugged my shoulders at him and he laughed, shook his head and walked away.  I wondered if I was growing too fast.

I gathered up my papers, and when I had everything, I turned around and there was Mr. Johnson, his usual scowl on his face. 

“You’ve got a detention tonight for that.  One hour in the detention hall.”  He glared at me, but I could see a glint of triumph in his eyes.  He figured he’d finally got me, and was delighted about it.

“For what?” I asked, because why should I be punished for accidentally falling down?  That didn’t make much sense.

“For using obscene language in the halls.”

I had to think, and realized what I’d said.  “But Mr. Johnson, kids say that all the time!  Worse, too.”

Just then, down the hall, I heard a boy’s voice saying, “Get the fuck off me, you queer!”

Mr. Johnson briefly looked in that direction, then back at me.  “You broke the rules.  Detention.  If you don’t show up, we’ll make it a week, and if that’s a problem, then a suspension.”  He didn’t bother to keep the triumph out of his look this time.

I dropped my eyes, then turned and walked away.  I was doing a better job of standing up for myself, but I wasn’t ready to take on Mr. Johnson.  I could have pointed out how he let the kid down the hall say something much worse and didn’t do anything.  I could have pointed out that words like that were bandied around all the time at school, especially in gym class, and extra-especially by his football players.  I could have pointed out that he was discriminating by picking on me.  But, just by his presence, he intimidated me.  He was an authority figure, a very large and angry one, and I’d had a lifetime of backing down from confrontations. 

I was getting better, but I wasn’t nearly strong enough yet to face him down.