Circumstances 41

I realized after I’d asked that, it wasn’t very nice of me.  He’d gotten up the courage to ask me a question that was hard for him, and here I was shoving it back in his face, making him take all the risk.  And I could see how uncomfortable it made him.  He sort of squirmed, and I watched, and when he opened his mouth with a scared expression on his face, I stopped him. 

“Darryl!”  I said, and even held my hand up, like a policeman in the middle of the street running traffic control.

He stopped, and I said, “That’s not fair of me.  I need to answer your question.”

He looked relieved.  Then grateful.  I could see him relax, and then he grinned at me.  But now I was back under the gun, and now I found how difficult it was trying to return that grin.

“Uh,” I managed.                               

“Yes?”  He was still grinning.

“OK,” I said.  “Yes, I was looking.”

“Oh,” he said.  Then he looked at me, and I looked at him, and then a shy grin formed on his face, and soon I was grinning back, and we eventually both dropped our eyes.  My heart was racing.  Neither of us said anything else.  We both got involved with the pizza, and it was a few minutes before either of us said a word.  When we began talking again, we both ignored his question and my answer; nothing more was said about my wandering eyes, and before long we were laughing with each other again about the sort of nonsense we teenagers often laugh about, things that adults don’t seem to understand at all.  Even while laughing, however, I kept seeing that shy grin in my head.

We eventually left the pizza place, and I ended up walking him back to his house.  I’d walk home alone after that.  At his door, we both said goodnight, but somehow, it didn’t seem enough.  I wanted to say some things I wasn’t quite ready to say, and he looked like he wanted to say something, too, but didn’t.  We looked at each other, and it was difficult for me to turn and walk away, but finally I did.  As I turned, he reached out and touched my arm.  Just a quick touch.  Then he was inside, and I was walking home.

As I considered everything that had happen that evening, later in bed before falling asleep, my head was full of thoughts.  I thought about the fact he hadn’t pressed the point about me looking at his bathing suit, and neither had I.  He had been curious about me, and my answer sort of implied I was gay, but I hadn’t actually said so.  I was still curious about him, but the way he’d responded to my admitting what I’d been looking at made it pretty clear he didn’t mind my looking, that maybe he’d even liked it.

It was clear that neither of us was ready to commit yet.  But also, I thought we were both interested in each other, and that I had a lot to look forward to.  I went to sleep that night feeling very happy, and very content with my present circumstances, and Darryl very much in my mind.

When I got up the next morning, I had a surprise waiting for me.

I showered and after drying off, brushed my teeth.  Even though this was routine now, I still realized how different this was than where I’d lived all my life, where the bathroom was across the hall and had always been shared by everyone in the house, where I was always being rushed, where I had to be extra careful not to leave any trace I’d been in there or the yelling would go on and on about how disrespectful I was of others.

Here, I had my own private bathroom connected to my bedroom.  I could leave a mess if I wanted, or stay in there for hours with no yelling to get out so someone else could use it.  It was mine, and mine alone.

On a practical basis, I’d lived my whole life keeping my own room tidy and cleaning the bathroom after I’d used it, and so had become accustomed not only to doing those things, but enjoying those rooms being clean and neat.  So, I didn’t leave the bathroom a mess, I didn’t leave towels on the floor or spat toothpaste in the sink, and I made my own bed and put my dirty clothes in the hamper.  It just was so ingrained in me now, I didn’t even think about it.

Mrs. Jenks had commented on it once, comparing my behavior to Gary’s, but then had seen how embarrassed that made me and had never mentioned it again.

Anyway, I was brushing my teeth, and while doing so, looked at myself in the mirror, and that’s when I had my surprise.  I saw I was growing a mustache!

I’d never shaved.  I’d never had to.  I didn’t really need to now, except for my lip.  I looked at it a little longer, feeling funny seeing it there, both a little proud and a little anxious, then walked into Gary’s room.  He was in the bathroom, too, with the door open.  I saw he wasn’t doing anything embarrassing, so joined him.

“Look,” I said, and pointed to my lip.

He looked, then came closer, then closer still, and then squinted.

“OK,” I said, faking being pissed.  “What, you need glasses now?”

“No, I’ve got a buddy who takes care of that for me so I’m scared about going blind.”

“Ha ha ha.”  I scowled at him, and he grinned, then said, “You can use my electric razor.  Then we’ll have Mom buy you one.”

“I’ve never done it before.”

He took his off the charger next to his sink, turned it on and handed it to me.  “Just pass over the hairs, gently.  You’ll learn real fast how hard to press.”

I tried it, and found out how easy it was.  I handed it back, grinned, and thanked him while looking in the mirror.

“Any time you want to use it, you know where it is.  Just don’t go trimming your pubes with it.”

I laughed.  “As if I need to!”

Gary told his mom I needed a razor, and she told me she’d pick me up after school and we’d buy one.  Man, this was easy.  I’d have got a lecture from my mom about how expensive everything I wanted was, how hard it was for her to keep up with my needs, why didn’t I get a job and help out some, why didn’t I use a blade when it was so much cheaper, when would I stop being such a burden, blah blah blah.  Mrs. Jenks just said, “Meet me in the side parking lot.”  That was it.  Simple.  Man!

She did pick me up, she was waiting there when I came out of the school door that afternoon, and we headed out to a store where she said she’d bought Gary’s razor.  We talked on the way, and I answered all her questions about how I was doing in school.  She had a way of asking them that didn’t put me on the defensive, and so she got a whole lot more information out of me than my mother ever did.  Of course, Mrs. Jenks was more interested in what was going on with me than my mom was.  Which was kind of sad, when I thought about it.

I thought about it some more on the way back after buying the electric razor, which was much more expensive than I’d imagined it would be.  Mrs. Jenks didn’t seem to care at all.  I sure thanked her enough so she’d understand it meant a lot to me, even if it didn’t matter to her.

I noticed we were driving through my old neighborhood, and in fact would soon be passing my old house.  I looked, and then, I suddenly felt a tightness in my stomach that I’d felt so often in the past.

A For Sale sign had been stuck in my front lawn.