Circumstances 40

I went to the movies Friday night with Darryl.  The theater was in the mall, and most of the people there were kids, a lot of whom I knew from school.  Well, I didn’t really know them, but I knew their names.

Most of the kids that were older were paired off, boy and girl.  At my age, a lot of the kids weren’t really dating that much, so there were groups or just pairs of girls and also of guys.  Darryl and I didn’t stick out at all.  That was good, because I certainly wasn’t ready to come out yet.  I couldn’t even come out to Darryl.  I was afraid I’d lose half the friends I had if I did that.

We had a problem right off.  Predators turned out to be R-rated.  We weren’t old enough.  I was ready to give up and see some other movie, but Darryl got a gleam in his eye.  He asked for two tickets to another movie, but told me we’d jump theaters while the previews were playing.  We went to the concession stand and stood in line for popcorn, and Darryl kept an eye on the guy who was checking ages of people going into the theater showing Predators.  About five minutes after people had stopped going in, he walked away.  We bought popcorn, then moved close to the entrance of the theater where Predators was showing, and when we saw no one looking, just walked in.  The movie hadn’t even started yet.  I felt a little funny.  This wasn’t something I’d ever done before.  Darryl had a big smile on his face.  He was enjoying it!

After the movie, which was as good as Darryl had said it would be, we kind of strolled around in the mall, not really doing anything or having any objective other than looking at everything, chatting and being part of the atmosphere.  I was comfortable, walking with him.  I’d never liked the mall, but I’d never had a friend to be with when I was there.

He was more of a talker than I was.  I’d never had much practice.  He didn’t seem to mind that he was doing the bulk of the work, keeping the conversation going.  I was happy to let him.  He had a good sense of humor, and I was able to contribute some in the same vein, so we did quite a bit of laughing.

After a while, my stomach rumbled, and he heard it.  “Want to get something to eat?” he asked.

“Yeah.  You know, it’s funny.  Now that I’m getting enough to eat at home, you wouldn’t think I’d still get hungry all the time, but I do.”

He gave me a funny look, then asked, “You didn’t used to get enough to eat?”

Well, that’s what comes when you’re not used to talking much, and then you are with someone you like and think you don’t need to watch yourself very carefully and you let your guard down.  I didn’t want to talk about this, but I wasn’t going to lie, either.  I was already keeping an important secret from him.  This one didn’t seem like that big a deal.  So, I said, “When I was living with my mom, meals were sort of hit and miss, and sometimes, between the shouting and what was said, and the way it made my stomach feel, I didn’t eat much.  It’s different now.”

He was still looking at me strangely.  I guess he didn’t realize the problems some kids had were more basic than others. 

I changed the subject.  “Where do you want to go?”

“Pizza all right?”

I smiled.  I loved pizza.

We left the mall and walked to a nearby pizza place that had really good pizza.  It was a pleasant walk, in the direction of home, and we weren’t in a hurry.  We talked and a couple times he pushed me for no reason and of course I had to push him back, and we got to giggling.  He asked me if I had enough money, and I realized, for the first time in my life, I did.  It was a new experience, not worrying about the cost of something.  Mrs. Jenks was giving me an allowance, and I had money in my pocket.  It felt good.

We ordered a large pizza, half with his toppings and half with mine.  He liked sausage, I liked pepperoni.  We disagreed on green pepper, mushrooms and jalapenos, too.  I just shook my head and told him how disappointed I was in him.  He laughed, and I did too.  All the laughing we’d been doing together made me feel warm inside.

When we were halfway through, I realized while we’d been eating he’d stopped chattering, and there’d been silence for some time.  Then I noticed he was looking at me.  When I focused my eyes on his, he stared back for a moment, then dropped his eyes and I could see he was starting to blush.

“What?” I asked.

He looked back into my eyes, then sort of shook his head and turned away.

“What is it?  I can see you want to say something.”  I made my voice as comfortable as I could, trying to encourage him.

He looked at me again, then looked down, and finally, hesitantly, said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t know how.”

“You don’t have to worry about asking me anything.  Just ask.”

He shook his head.  “I’d be embarrassed.  I’m already embarrassed, just thinking about it, and about what you might think.”

I took another piece of pizza and bit off a hunk.  I chewed for a minute, thinking, then poured some more coke from the pitcher into my glass, drank some, and said, “I know all about embarrassment.  Remember what happened on the bus, and running almost naked in the hall at school?  If I could live through those things, nothing you could ask me could come close to what I had to deal with.  Just go ahead and ask.  Whatever it is, I won’t mind.  Trust me.”

He looked at me and didn’t pull his eyes away this time, and I could see him gathering his courage.  Finally, he swallowed and said, “OK, I’m going to do it.  But remember, you said you won’t get upset, OK?”

“OK,” I said, and grinned at him.

He tried to grin back but didn’t quite make it.  Then he took the plunge.  Keeping his eyes on mine, he said, “You remember when I came over and we went swimming?”  When I nodded, he continued, saying, “We sat on the patio when we were done, and I was really feeling good, being there with you guys, and I kept sneaking glances at you, and....”

“And what?” I said.

“Well, were you looking at my, uh, well, you said there was a bee on my suit, but, uh, before that, I thought you were, uh, were you looking at... looking at…”

He couldn’t say it, and simply stopped, but was still watching my face, studying my eyes expectantly.  I had to say something!  But I didn’t know what! 

He didn’t look like he’d be mad if I said yes.  But what if I was wrong?  What if I said yes and he just got up and walked away?  I didn’t think he’d hit me.  He wasn’t like that.  But I really liked him, and had started having sexy thoughts about him, and I wanted him to like me, and didn’t want him getting up and walking away.  I didn’t want to take the risk.  I didn’t know what to say.  But I had to say something!  And I had to say it right then.

And then, surprisingly, I did know what to say.  I knew!  I looked him in the eye and said, “Would you have liked it if I was?”