Circumstances 33

I didn’t sleep with Gary till the weekend.  The week was pretty uneventful, which was a relief.  I was able to settle in at ‘home’, Gary’s house, and I guess mine too, now.  It took no time at all to get comfortable with his parents.  My mom had always been judgmental and would criticize me for almost everything I did.  Mr. and Mrs. Jenks were the opposite, praising me for the littlest things, and wanting to hear what I had to say.  I’d never said much at home because whatever I said was scoffed at, ignored or belittled.  Here, it was listened to, and often discussed, and my opinion mattered.  Man, was that ever a change!

I could see why Gary had so much self-confidence.  It came naturally to him because he lived in an atmosphere where what he did and said was respected.

We slept together Friday night and of course fooled around.  When we were done and recovering, lying next to each other, I sighed and said, “I really like this.  I’m really happy.”  He sighed too, then said, “Keith?  You do remember that I said I wasn’t gay, don’t you?  I’m not.  In fact, I’ve been sort of afraid to tell you, but there’s this girl at school I’m interested in, and I spoke to her today, and, well, we’re going to go to the movies tomorrow.  I don’t want to hurt you, you’re my best friend.  You OK with this?”

No.  I wasn’t.  But I’d sort of been waiting for it, too.  I knew he was straight.  He’d told me that.  I suppose I’d been hoping maybe he’d change, like I was trying to change by standing up for myself, but I’d known he was straight from the beginning.  So I was a bit disappointed—hell, I was quite a bit disappointed—but I’d been trying to keep my feelings for him from getting too hot.  I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed, and upset, too.  I was.  But mostly, I understood.

“I’m OK,” I finally managed to say.  I forced my voice to stay even and took a deep breath.  “I’ve been trying really hard not to fall in love with you.  I know you aren’t going to fall in love with me.  If you find a girl, or girls, you like, you have to go for it.”

He squeezed my leg, then reached higher and squeezed there, too.  “I don’t think I’ll be having sex with a girl for a long time yet.  I’m just getting started dating.  So I think I’ll still be practicing with you for a while yet as long as you’re willing.”

I smiled, and rolled over just a bit so his squeezing would be more comfortable for him.

On Sunday, when I was alone with Mrs. Jenks helping with the breakfast dishes, she told me we’d be going out to dinner at their country club that night, and asked if I had a sports coat or suit jacket to wear.  She said I didn’t need a tie, but decent slacks and a jacket were the rule in the dining room at the club.

“I’m sorry.  I never needed one, and don’t have one.  You can go without me, though.  I can make myself something to eat here.  You guys probably need some time without me around anyway.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Keith.  You’re part of the family now!  A very important part.  We wouldn’t go out to dinner without you.  I suppose one of Gary’s jackets he’s outgrown might work.  We could go up and look.”

“I don’t have any suitable pants, either.  Just jeans and one pair of khakis, and they’re both getting a little small.” 

I hung my head.  I shouldn’t have said that.  But my clothes were starting to be a problem, and I didn’t know what to do about it.  My mother had already left, and she didn’t leave me any money.  I had the impression I might have started a growth spurt, because almost overnight, everything was a little tight or short on me.  I didn’t know what I was going to do, but didn’t want to bother the Jenks about it.  I was thinking of trying one of the thrift shops in town, and maybe finding a way to make some money.  I’d overheard kids say how hard it was to get a job at 14, especially  when you’re still in school, but I hadn’t even looked yet.

Mrs. Jenks was watching me.  Then she did what she was so good at.  She hugged me.  I melted into her like I so often did.  She picked the times I most needed a hug, and this was how I responded.  I suppose I should have been embarrassed, but there had been an enormous deficit of hugs in my life, of support and parental kindness.  At 14, getting hugs probably should have embarrassed me.  They didn’t.

“Keith,” she said, still hugging me, “something’s on your mind, and you’re not telling me.  What is it, honey.  Out with it.”

She was trying to act stern, but stern wasn’t something that she was good at, and her act was so obvious I started giggling, and she did too.

When she let me go, I said, “It’s really embarrassing.”

“Then it’s good there’s no one to hear it but me.  Tell me.”

I did.  “I think I’m outgrowing my clothes, and I don’t have any money to buy more.”  I blushed, then finally stuttered, “Uh, maybe, well, could you lend me some money till my mother comes back?”

“No, I can’t do that.  But I can give you an allowance.  Gary gets one, and so you will, too.  And, as long as you’re living here, we’ll take care of your needs.  So, I just figured out what to do this afternoon.  We’re going shopping!”

“But it’ll be expensive!  I’ll pay you back when I can, but it’ll take me a long time.”

“Keith!”  Just that fast, she was showing me a side of her I hadn’t seen before, commanding my attention.  “Let us do this for you.  We have more money than we’ll ever use.  We donate a lot to charity every year.  I’d rather spend it where I can see the good it’s doing.  Whatever we get you today, whatever we spend, we won’t even start to notice the cost.  And you need better clothes.”

She took my hand and led me into the living room.  She sat on the couch and sat me down next to her, and looked me in the eye.  I could see the depth of her compassion in her face.  “You have self-esteem issues, honey.  You’re a wonderful boy, but you yourself don’t believe it.  Well, now you’re going to be living here with us, and you’re going to have nice clothes, and you’ll have an allowance, some spending money of your own, and you’ll have the independence to do whatever you want to do without any criticism, and maybe all that’ll help.  But it’ll only help, not solve the problem.  The main problem is your lack of understanding that you have real value as a human being.  You have to accept that inside yourself.  But new clothes that fit, and living here, might be a physical reminder, a nudge, to help you get started.”

I didn’t know what to say to all that.  It took me completely by surprise.  I was smart enough, though, to realize there was one thing I had to say.  “Thank you, Mrs. Jenks.”

She smiled, and the forceful presence was gone, just that quickly.  She hugged me again, and kissed me on the forehead, and said, “It’s my pleasure, Keith.  It really is.”

We went to the mall, which was filled with kids, but I wasn’t embarrassed or trying to hide myself for once.  I was with Gary and his mother and we were there for a purpose, shopping, and man, did she shop.  When we got home, I was exhausted, and my few clothes in my closet weren’t lonely any longer.

I was resting when Gary came into my room, then proceeded to get naked.  I watched, he grinned.  Then he pulled on his swimming suit and told me I had one minute to do the same.

We swam, and my energy returned.  Seems odd it would work that way, but it did.  Then we showered and dressed and went to dinner.

I’d never eaten in a place like that before.  They had a Sunday buffet, which meant all you could eat, but it was the most incredible food: huge bowls of chilled shrimp and crab, platters of shaved ice holding oysters on the half shell, smoked salmon, clams in a wicked sauce, more kinds of salads than I ever thought possible and cold plates to put them on, three kinds of soup, all of them rich and absolutely delicious, several casserole-type main courses, a huge ham and roast beef and turkey that chefs in immaculate white jackets carved to order, steam trays of barbecued ribs and fried chicken—just an amazing amount of great food.

And I haven’t even mentioned the desserts, or the men wearing tall white hats flambéing some of them!

I was so stuffed when we left I was surprised I could walk.  Gary was sort of staggering, too, and his parents were laughing at us.

Even though I was too full and too tired to mess around with Gary that night, it was still pretty much a perfect day.