Circumstances 22

“OK, you noticed me” I began.  “But after that you had the chance to just ignore me.  You didn’t do that.  You’ve gone out of your way to help me.  So, let’s see.  I’m gay and you’re handsome, helpful and nice and seem interested in me.  Why wouldn’t I be attracted to you?”

“OK, OK, that didn’t work,” Gary said with an embarrassed grin.  “I didn’t want you to tell me why I’m wonderful.  I guess I didn’t ask it right.  I don’t really need to know why you like me, it’s more like, how do you like me, and will it affect our relationship?”  He frowned.  “Damn, that’s a nasty word.  I don’t want us to have a relationship, I want us to be friends.  Oh, yeah!  Duh!  I meant to say, how is your liking me going to affect our friendship.”

“I’m not sure,” I answered.  “I think there might be pressure on both of us that wouldn’t be there if we were both straight.  But you said you might want to do things.”  I was getting excited again, just thinking about that.  “Really?  You might want to do that?  With me?”

It dampened my enthusiasm a little when I saw he had to think about that.  He didn’t answer right away.  When he did, he ended up asking me a question.  “Everything I’ve read about boys starting and already in puberty tells me there’s a lot of confusion.  That it’s normal to like either your own or both sexes, and that your feelings are likely to change as time passes and you get more mature.   If that’s true, then when you tell me you’re gay, how do you know?  And, how do you know you’ll feel the same way next week?”

I thought about that for a moment, then said, “Are you telling me you’re not sure what you are?”

“No, I’m pretty sure I’m straight.  I like girls, like thinking about them.  Fantasizing, you know?”  He grinned, and I grinned back.  “I’m asking how you know that about yourself?”

“Hey,” I said, “it seems like I’m having to do all the hard work here!  You’re just sitting back, asking me questions and enjoying it.  Communication goes both ways, remember.  I think it’s your turn to actually answer a difficult question.”

He paused, then grinned.  “I guess that’s fair.  Give it your best shot.”

“All right!”  I sat up a little straighter.  “If you’re so sure you’re straight, why would you even think about messing around with me, especially knowing I’m gay?”

He smiled, then said, “Well, I don’t feel confused.  I’m pretty sure I’m straight.  There’s only one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“You.  Ever since I saw you sitting in that office not quite covering all the stuff you were trying to cover, I’ve had feelings about you.”  He stopped, then looked away from me.  I waited, watching him, something I’d never get tired of doing.  When he began again, he said, “This is harder than I thought it would be.”  He was quiet for a moment, then grimaced as he turned to me and said, “I had crushes on boys when I was twelve and thirteen, but grew out of that.  Them.  Whatever.  I think that’s how it works with lots of guys, even if they won’t admit it.  Now, I can see a cute boy and realize he’s cute, but I don’t get aroused or excited or anything.  I do know he’s cute, though.  I enjoy looking at him, but that’s it.  But with you, it’s different.  The thing is…”  He stopped, and I waited again.  He shook his head and said, “I don’t know what it is, exactly.  There’s just something about you…”

“There’s nothing about me.  What, you like skinny and weak and shy?”

Gary blushed.  He blushed!  Then he dropped his head and said, “Well, I can’t explain it.  You might not fit the normal standards of cuteness, but you have a very individual look, one that’s very appealing to me.  I don’t think I like skinny boys in general, but I like the way you look.  I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but there’s something about you that is very, well, attractive.  That’s the best I can come up with.  To tell the truth, I don’t think it’s really sexual.” 

I looked at him bemusedly then, and he almost blushed again and said, “Well, not entirely sexual.  But I’m 14.  Everything is a little sexual.”

He stopped then, and after a while glanced over at me, probably trying to gauge how I was reacting.  I was trying not to.

He continued.  “But I look at you, and I want to be with you, and while it isn’t really a sexual urge, it is, too.  I said I’d be honest, and that’s honest.  I feel a desire, but I think it’s more about being friends, being close.  Maybe not, though.  Maybe it’s sexual, too.  I just don’t know.  I do know I don’t feel whatever this is with other boys.  I know girls do it for me.  Which means, I don’t know how to answer your question.”

He looked away from me, not wanting to meet my eyes.  I stared at him for a moment, then said, “Man, when you do honest, you really do it, don’t you?”

He grinned and settled back in his seat.  “Your turn,” he said.

I shook my head, and said, “Man, I don’t think I can articulate what I feel anywhere near like that.  But, OK, I’ll try.”

I took a deep breath.  “I think I’m gay because boys interest me and girls don’t.  I’ve felt that way for a long time.  I don’t think I’ll outgrow it.  If I were going to, I think I’d have started to feel differently by now.

“But, more specifically, how do I feel about you?  That’s more complicated.  And less.  I have the sane feelings about you I do about any boy who excites me.  But it’s more than that with you.  So maybe I’m feeling a little bit of what you are.  That I want to be friends more than anything else, but if you wanted to mess around any, I’d sure be up for it.”

I grinned at him.  He grinned back.  And just like that, my heart sped up.  I liked him, as a friend, and more, and I now knew we were going to do things.  Yep, the old heart was pounding.  And I was happy.