Circumstances 21

I looked out at the pool.  My heart was slowing down now.  Circumstances were such that, after finally biting the bullet and telling him I was gay and attracted to him, then almost drowning and being saved, then playing word games where the winner and loser—something that was rather important to me—was very uncertain for a while, I was now just as suddenly resting comfortably on Gary’s patio, calmly discussing things, and it wasn’t surprising at all that I needed a moment to decompress, or for my emotions to stabilize.

I was waiting for him to talk, and he was silent.  Maybe he was waiting for me.  He could probably see my chest rising and falling rapidly.  I was all skin and bones and what was going on inside of me wasn’t exactly hidden.  He seemed content to simply wait till I was ready.  He always had been kind.

Finally, my breathing began to return to normal.  I turned my head so I could see him, sitting nearby on my left.  He was watching me.

“So, are you going to tell me what you think about what I said?” I eventually asked.

He reflected a moment before answering, but when he did, he looked right at me, not out across the pool as I’d been doing.  “I’ve never had a gay friend before.  At least not one brave enough to tell me.  I think you also told me that you like me, though the way you said it, I’m not exactly sure.  Would you like to try that part again?”  He grinned at me.  That grin helped my composure no end.

“Not until you tell me what you think about the first part.”

“The being gay part?”

“Yeah.”  I was trying to stay as relaxed as he was.  This wasn’t bothering him, he was taking it all in stride, so there was no reason for me not to do the same, even if this whole conversation seemed exceptionally weird to me.  Like I was wading in shallow water but wasn’t sure there weren’t deep holes just waiting for me to fall into.  The fact he didn’t act bothered at all by what I’d told him, and I’d been scared to death to do so, was requiring an adjustment period for me.

“What, you think your being gay bothers me?”

“Goddammit!  Just answer the question!  You have to know how scared I am about this.  It’s important!”

“OK, OK, don’t have a cow.  It doesn’t bother me at all.”  He yawned.  Yawned!  If he’d been closer, I might have punched him!  Except I didn’t do things like that.

“So what about the other part, the ‘I like looking at you’ part?”

He propped himself up on his elbow, now that he was done yawning.  “That one is a little odd and I’m not sure what that’ll mean as we get to be better friends.  But as long as we’re honest, and you don’t hide what you’re feeling, as long as we can talk about anything, I don’t think it’ll matter, and might even make things more interesting.  Like right now, why don’t you tell me just what you mean by that?  Is it like you’re in love with me?  It can’t be.  You don’t know me that well.”

“Thank you,” I said, holding back the sarcasm as much as I could,  “for finally answering my question.”  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “I really hoped my being gay wouldn’t freak you out, that you’d be OK with it, but knowing for sure, well, that’s pretty good.  That’s actually really great, in fact.”  I was smiling now, really smiling hard.  It was sinking in.

I stopped, and he said, “But talk to me about the other part.  What’s that all about?”

I laughed.  “Why wouldn’t I be attracted to you?  You’re incredible.  Handsome, smart, friendly, supportive, and you want to be my friend.”  I took a quick peek at him to make sure his head wasn’t inflating with all this; it wasn’t, so I rushed on.  “I’d have to be nuts not to be attracted to you.”

He was looking at me, grinning as he so often did.  “I see your point,” he said, and then laughed at my surprised expression.  I ended up laughing, too.  Then he said, “I’ve never known a boy who liked me before.  I mean like that.  I’ll have to get used to it, I guess.”

“You don’t feel threatened?  I keep reading where if a gay kid tells a straight kid he likes him, the straight kid gets all upset or worried or angry, something like that, which has never made a lot of sense to me.  I’d think the kid’d be flattered, but that’s never the way it ends up in the stories.  I thought you’d be… well… I don’t know, but I’ve been afraid to tell you.”  I dropped my eyes.

There was a pause before Gary spoke again.  “Well,” he said, sounding thoughtful, “I suppose it is flattering, in one sense, but it’s mostly weird.  I have to get used to my best friend liking me that way.  I’ve never had to think about that before.  Does that mean you want to have sex with me?  Or fool around?  Whatever?”

I grinned at him, feeling relief that this was going so well.  “I haven’t really thought about that much, if you want to know the truth.  I’m still getting used to it myself.  But when I do think about it, yeah, I’ll probably want to.  But knowing you’re straight will make it easier not to let myself get too excited.  Knowing you don’t want to have sex.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Huh?”

It was his turn to grin.  “Hey, I’m 14, too.  You’re right, I’m straight, but just as horny as anyone else.  You might think I’m all those nice things you said I was, but other people don’t seem to have noticed it.  Girls sure aren’t climbing all over me.  Maybe I shouldn’t say this, my being the macho stud you make me out to be and all, but, well, I haven’t had any more experience than you probably have.”

I laughed, then said, “You mean none?”

“Exactly!”

I couldn’t keep my enthusiasm out of my voice, or my heart from starting to beat faster again.  “So are you saying you do want to mess around?  Even though you’re straight?” 

Gary shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Maybe.  Tell me again why you like me.  I don’t really understand that.”  The joking tone that was usually in his voice was gone now.  For once, he was being serious.

“Well…”  This was difficult.  How do you put what you feel into words when you’re not exactly sure what you feel?  “You know, whatever I say, it’s just going to make you feel cocky.  It’s like if you were a singer, and you’d just sung a song to an audience, and then you stepped forward a little and said, ‘OK, tell me how much you liked that, and why?’  No one would ask that.  Unless, of course, they felt the need for an ego boost.  Is that what you want?  Really?”

I expected him to frown.  Instead, he laughed.  “Man, you’ve got this defensive stuff down to a tee, don’t you?  You’re good at it.  But you’re forgetting something.  Something important.  We’re trying to get to know each other and we’d both like to be best friends.  And one of the ground rules we made was we’d be honest and communicate.  I think you’re breaking both those rules.  But you’re as new to this as you are to back dives.  So, we’ll call what you just did practice for the real thing, and you can try again.”

Damn!

I looked down again.  “I’m not sure I can tell you.”

“That’s better!  You were being honest there, Keith.  Maybe you can’t tell me.  But you can try.  Just start by saying what you feel.  I think it’ll be easier than you think.  Hey, what do you expect, that I’ll get angry hearing you tell me how great I am?”  He laughed, and I again realized how difficult it was to be anything but happy when I was with him.  His personality was sunlight and happiness.  Mine was more like a fog bank.

“You are great, you know.  I’m gay.  Why wouldn’t I be attracted to you?  You’re good looking, you’re smart, but mostly, you’re nice to me.  You noticed me first thing when you came into the office where I was sitting the other day.  No one ever notices me.”

He snorted.  “Uh, dude, you were naked!  Of course I noticed you.”

I blushed and giggled.  He was making this easy.  Maybe I could talk to him about this after all.