Circumstances

by Cole Parker

Mr. Johnson saw me in the hall the next day, stopped and frowned at me. “Glad to see you have some clothes on this time,” he said, and said it loud enough that I heard other kids snicker. He must have thought I was someone who liked being embarrassed. I was someone who liked being invisible. Being embarrassed was the worst thing, for me.

I stopped, as did most of the kids around us. He marched up behind me and slapped the back of my head. “You show me some respect, young man!”

I just stood there, trying not to let tears form in my eyes. The slap had been hard, and it had hurt. Both my feelings and head had been hurt, and the tears threatened to spill because of both.

He walked around in front of me. I kept my eyes on the floor. He stood watching me, then said, “Any more trouble from you, mother or no mother, I’ll have your ass.”

I didn’t respond. He was going to say something else, I could feel it, and then, amazingly, I heard, “Hi, Keith. Hi, Mr. Johnson. What’s happening?”

Gary! I felt better immediately. Just his being there made me feel not so alone.

“Move on. This is no concern of yours. Just move on.” Mr. Johnson wasn’t happy being interrupted, but knew how to handle kids. Gary would be a momentary distraction, but only that.

I was watching the two of them. If I hadn’t been scared, my heart thumping all over the place, I would have enjoyed it. Gary was standing there looking at Mr. Johnson with a challenge in his eyes, and Mr. Johnson was fuming. He didn’t like kids challenging him. He was clenching his fists and his face was turning red and Gary was staring at him. Mr. Johnson was ready to say something else as Gary wasn’t ‘moving it’ as requested, when Gary spoke to me. “I’ll give your mother a call, Keith.” Then he said to Mr. Johnson, “Later, dude.”

Gary turned and started down the hall. Mr. Johnson watched, focused on his retreating back, and I took the opportunity to vamoose.

Dinner at Gary’s house was fun. His parents were really nice. I saw where Gary’s constant smiles came from. When I ate at home, before my mom and I had had our talk, dinner had always been pretty silent, unless she had something to get on me about. If she’d left me alone, it still had been pretty tense because I was waiting for her attack. That was before, but even now, it was taking some time for us to develop the relationship that I knew I wanted and thought she did. We’d had that initial talk, and then the rest of that day we’d been really close, on the same wavelength, but things hadn’t stayed that way. My mom was too used to being what she was, which was a much different person than I was. She didn’t really understand someone who lacked her assertiveness, her drive. I was an enigma to her, and a disappointment, I was sure. So her change of attitude hadn’t lasted that long. Life was returning to how it had been ever since my father had left. I thought she was still trying, that she still was aware she wasn’t being the loving mother I’d told her I needed, but it just wasn’t easy for her. We had an awful lot of past to put behind us, and tense dinners were just one of the things to move beyond. Hey, maybe that’s why I was so thin. I never ate much at dinner because I was always ready for things to explode.

At Gary’s, dinner wasn’t like that at all. The food was good and Gary’s parents didn’t get on him about anything. We relaxed and ate and talked and laughed. They did ask how school went, but listened without criticism. Wow!

Afterwards, we went upstairs, played some video games, and talked. He was so easy to talk to. Even I could do it, and I never talked to anyone. He made it easy. I wondered if I’d ever get that knack. He didn’t get angry when I answered questions in as few words as possible, and in fact, just stopped asking questions and started talking about things, and I found that much easier to deal with. I could jump in as I thought of things to say, and didn’t feel so much on the spot. It was a while before I realized he was doing it on purpose to make me more comfortable.

He turned the TV on to a movie and we watched that, then he asked if I was ready for bed, and I nodded, feeling nervous. He said he was going to take a shower, and I could too if I wanted. I told him I’d take one after he did, and that’s what we did. Then we were both in bed, and he left the TV on the movie channel we’d been watching and turned the sound down so we could hear it but it wasn’t intrusive.

He turned out the lights. I’d never slept in a bed with another boy. Gary’d talked about being honest, and communicating, and I knew if we were going to be the kind of friends he wanted us to be, and that I wanted us to be too, I should tell him I was gay. And that I was beginning to like him. But I couldn’t bring myself to do either.

We talked a little, and I listened to the TV a little, and I was relaxing because I’d decided not to tell him I was gay, not then, maybe some other time, just not tonight, and that decision certainly made me feel better, but then I got distracted by my parents arguing again, and they started yelling at each other, and my father started saying things and I pulled the pillow over my head but I could still hear him shouting, and my mother yelled back, not giving an inch, and it went on and on, nasty, hateful words, and I was crying and then the front door slammed and I was crying harder and the next thing I knew Gary’s mother and father were standing by the bed, and Gary was too and he had his hand on my shoulder, shaking it, fear in his eyes, and they were all looking at me.

I was shaking and crying, tears were streaming down my face, but I was awake by then. My heart was racing, and then Gary’s mom sat down next to me and I was suddenly in her arms. I was shaking badly and couldn’t seem to stop. She spoke softly and comfortingly to me, and I could feel myself starting to relax, to settle down, and she kept hugging me, and patting my hair, and although I couldn’t stop crying, it felt wonderful, being held like that.