by Cole Parker
Circumstances 12
I didn’t have much of a problem the rest of that day after the assembly. They nailed the kid who’d asked that question, and a lot of kids saw him being frog marched to the office. We heard he got two weeks detention and a warning about his future conduct. So, with all that, kids were careful around me. At least when any teachers were around, and they were usually around somewhere.
At lunch, I sat down at an empty table by myself as usual. I had money for it today, at least, which wasn’t always the case. Mom sometimes didn’t remember to leave me any in the morning, and I often ran late, so didn’t have time to make myself lunch when I saw the money wasn’t there. Today, I was able to eat.
I didn’t fit with any of the groups at school, and wasn’t
good at making friends. I was too shy to try to force myself on other kids.
But today, boys kept coming up and wanting to ask about what it felt like, doing
the things I’d done yesterday. Some even sat down with me. I guess being naked
in school, or the next best thing to naked, really stirs up the imagination.
But being stripped in the bathroom by bigger kids, or doing what I’d done on the
bus, was the stuff of legend, too. Guys wanted to know all about it first
hand. I could see them trying to imagine it themselves. I think they wanted
to experience what I had, although both vicariously and safely. I had the
feeling I might be talking about this stuff for a long time.
As guys were sitting down at my table, and I was relating yesterday’s circumstances, I was thinking. I could come out of this a much different guy than I’d been going into it. I’d been a nobody, completely invisible, and now everyone in the school knew me. Mr. Johnson made sure of that by hauling me up on the stage. Boys wanted to talk to me. Girls were looking at me. I realized I only had to adopt an air of bravado, or casual indifference, or ribald humor, or any of a number of other attitudes, and I could be a hero, and probably have a much different time in school after this. Kids would know me, and if I met their overtures with the right responses, I’d be one of them, be included in things, be sought out.
I thought about that as these boys were hanging over me, their eyes avid, wanting to talk about what happened on the bus, the boys’ room, the hallway, even what happened in Mr. Johnson’s office. I thought about being popular, and then I thought about why I was a nobody. It was who I was, and I was used to it. At this point, I guess it didn’t bother me all that much. It was my personality to recede into the background. These guys were different; they all liked to be one of a group, to play basketball with each other in their driveways, wrestle on their lawns, invite each other over for video game tournaments, or pizza pig outs, or even to watch DVDs on their TVs followed by sleepovers. I didn’t do those things. It was partly because of how shy and introverted and self-conscious I was, and partly because of the way it had been at home the past few years. Inviting someone over when I never knew what would be going on there, like if there’d be a blowup and I’d be humiliated, just wasn’t something I was going to do.
I read books a lot and really enjoyed doing that. I did a lot of exploring on the computer, and not just on those kinds of sites either, and had become very content being reclusive. That’s what I was, a recluse, and what I liked to call myself. I’d looked up words that meant someone who spent most of his time alone. I knew all sorts of them. I sort of liked the taste and feel of the word recluse. Hey, it’s a lot better than calling yourself a separatist. That makes people check you out to see if you’re wearing one of those vests that people only wear once.
Also, calling myself a recluse allowed me to dream a little. I liked the feeling I was some sort of dangerous character, like a spider, waiting in dark places to strike the unwary and wreak my venomous havoc. Hey, I’m 14. Believing in superheroes isn’t that far in my past.
Anyway, I thought about all these kids eating lunch with me and feasting on every word I said, and realized I enjoyed the attention, but that I couldn’t really pull off being like them on a regular basis. I’d have to adopt a pretend personality that wasn’t who I really was to keep them interested in me, and not only did I think that wouldn’t be possible, I knew I didn’t want to try. I was me, and I was comfortable with that. If these kids now found me interesting, it was not because I’d suddenly become someone they wanted to get to know and hang with, it was only because of yesterday’s circumstances.
But by being with me at lunch, they made me realize that I was lonely, and that having friends would be nice, but also that I wanted friends who wanted to know me and were interested in me because they saw something in me that they liked, not because I’d had an accident on the school bus or was caught semi-streaking in the halls.
I knew I’d never be comfortable in a big group of kids, being an active part of that scene. What I wanted, what would be perfect for me, was one friend, someone I could talk to and share my thoughts with, and knowing he felt the same way about me. I wanted someone I could trust. Just one person. That’s what I’d be most comfortable with.
And that made me think about Gary. He’d told me he wanted a friend, and he wanted that friend to be me. I didn’t really know him or know why he thought I’d be a good friend, but I had felt some chemistry when I was with him yesterday, briefly, and when I’d talked on the phone with him.
He’d stood up for me with my mom, and was the reason I now had a new relationship with her, if her present attitude lasted. That was Gary’s doing.
But I knew instinctively that he was different from me. Way different. Not only had he confronted my mom, he’d also spoken up in assembly, even got other kids to applaud. I never could have done that. He’d been here for one day and already he had a few boys hanging around him in the auditorium. He’d needed a friend at the beginning of that first day, but it looked to me like he didn’t need one by the end of the second. He had charisma, he had self-confidence, he was good looking, and was the sort that never had any interest in the kind of person I was. He made friends the way honey drew ants. I had all the charisma of a dead stump.
I was starting to depress myself. Thinking we could be friends was just a wishful dream I’d had yesterday. Gary wasn’t in any of my classes, and didn’t ride my bus. I didn’t see him in the cafeteria, so he probably had a different lunch from me.
I sighed and gathered up my lunch remnants. The period was about over. The boys at my table had begun to drift away as all the lewd details of my day had been broached and discussed. Now, I was alone at the table again, and it was time to go anyway.