Sky’s the Limit
Book Two

 Chapter Five

Sky’s Escape

Thanks to Rec for Editing!

“The Refuge” was hardly that for Skyler Blue.  He was miserable.  The counseling sessions were merely new exercises in humiliation, slowly breaking down what little self-esteem and self-respect he had left. The dogma was incessant, – ‘homosexual behavior’ was deviant, evil, and something to be loathed and despised.   Sky’s own emotions were now full of self-loathing, the counselors were constantly telling him that homosexual thoughts were evil and wrong, but he could not purge the love he felt for Jonah from his thoughts.  Erasing those feelings from his heart was like cutting off his own right arm. It was something he couldn’t contemplate, not even for a few moments, though he knew deep down that it was highly unlikely he would ever set eyes on this boy he loved.  There were days he wanted Jonah so bad he thought he would die.  There were other days that he just wished he was dead.   

Sky had been at The Refuge for nearly a month and had gotten to be close friends with Lance and a couple of the other guys.  They were going through more or less the same torture he was, only they had been there longer.  They were fellow gay teens who were being convinced that they had chosen a path to hell and their former lives were evil and wrong.   

Deep down, Sky had accepted what Lance and the others had been telling him -- there was no hope of seeing Jonah ever again.  He had come to accept that.  Stephen and his other counselors had been wanting Sky to take that last step for days:  write Jonah a letter, more or less dumping him, but Sky had resisted.  Today he was going to do it.  Then maybe he could crawl in a hole and die somewhere. 

Sky listened to the Refuge’s lessons every day.  He had memorized every passage in the Bible dealing with homosexuality just by sheer repetition.  The problem was he wasn’t straight.  He still wanted Jonah in spite of the way he, as a straight guy, was supposed to think. Sky had learned the proper responses for the counselors.  He learned how to make them think he was changing.  Maybe he had changed to some degree.  He had learned to hate.  Really hate.  He had learned what depression was.  It was a deep, dark black hole into which he had fallen.  He had learned to hate himself for the first time ever. He had learned to hate his very life.   

One night after a counseling and prayer session, he came back to his room and sat down to write the letter. It was an act of sheer desperation. This would never end until he convinced these people he had ‘changed’. He knew Stephen or another counselor would read it; it wouldn’t get sent unless it was approved.  

Dear Jonah, 

            The past few weeks I have been at a special counseling program for teens who think that they are gay.  I have learned that I was wrong, that we were wrong.  I’m so sorry that I used you the way that I did.  It was inexcusable behavior. 

            I have been shown the way, and the way is God through Christ and Christian living.  A relationship like we had is not compatible with that path.  I’m sorry, but that part of my life is gone.  It is behind me.  

I hope that we can still be friends, as you are a wonderful person. I will always cherish that part of our relationship that is your friendship, but now that is all I can offer. 

                                                Your friend,                                              

                                                             Sky 

Sky wanted to go to the bathroom and throw up.  He felt as if he wanted to puke his guts out. He wanted to die.  He silently wished he had the guts to blow his brains out or jump off a bridge somewhere, but knew he didn’t. His own cowardice and lack of weapons would keep him alive a bit longer, he figured. 

The next morning, Sky gave the letter to Stephen, who read it and smiled.  “You’ve come a long way on your journey, Sky.  This is a milestone. Your mom has gotten his parents’ address for us, and they are supposed to forward the letter to him. I think you deserve a reward.  Next Saturday, I’m taking a small group of you guys to the Cordova Mall.  You’ll each have thirty or forty bucks to spend on whatever.  You can blow it all in the arcade if you want.  It’s an outing to lift your spirits.” 

“Thanks, I’d like that,” he said, almost choking on the words. As he walked back to his room, he was coming up with a plan.  

That evening after supper he was sitting in the lounge finishing up the day’s lessons. He went over to the table where Lance was sitting alone; he decided to confide his plan to the only person there he trusted.  Lance had been the closest thing to a real friend he had made at “The Refuge”.  Lance had started confiding in Sky as well.  They were both going through pretty much the same thing except Lance’s boyfriend had dumped him before he got to this miserable place.  Lance’s parents discovered his affair and his sexuality when they went through his computer and emails.  Lance wasn’t having much more success at “turning straight” than Sky was, but like Sky, he was playing their game.  At any rate, Sky had told Lance everything about Jonah and their adventures, and he felt that if there was anyone there he could trust, it was Lance.  He had to trust someone, he couldn’t pull this off alone. 

“Hey, Lance, got a minute?” 

“Sure, man, sit.” 

“I did it today, I gave Stephen my letter to Jonah.” 

“I’m so sorry, Sky.  I don’t know what to say.  I know how much you love the guy.” 

“There’s nothing to say, thanks.  You were right.  But I gotta get out of here now.  I think I know a way.” 

“Sky, we’ve talked about this.  Where would you go? How would you get there?” 

“I get to go to the mall Saturday as a ‘reward.’ I’ve got a little cash I smuggled in here.  It was an old trick my dad taught me years ago – keep an emergency fund.  Anyhow, when I get to mall, I can just walk away, hop a bus downtown and get to the bus station and just get the hell outta here, but I’m gonna need a little help.”

“Where would you go, Sky?”    

“I can’t go home. Dad doesn’t want me.  My brother’s still in Europe, even if he would help. Mom would just drag me back up here—or someplace worse. Only hell itself could be much worse. She’ll never accept me being gay, and I don’t think I can stand the lies anymore.  Mom also made sure I was outed, so I have no desire to go back to my school.  Even if I wanted to be straight and go out with a girl, who would go out with the kid who was outed by his own mom in church? I don’t even want another guy, I want Jonah.  I mean, damn, what choices do I have?” 

“See, Sky, that’s the thing most of us face.  If you run, where do ya go?  That’s how they keep us here.” 

“It doesn’t matter, Lance.  Anyplace is better than this.  If I stay here much longer, I think I … I mean, I just can’t stay here.  I’ll figure out where I’m going when I figure out how far my cash will get me. I just may need you to cover me at the mall when I come up missing for a few minutes.  I just need enough time to get out of the parking lot and to the nearest bus stop. Please don’t say anything. If I stay here any longer I swear I’m going to kill myself.  I already hate myself for what I’ve done to Jonah: all the pain I’ve caused and am still causing.  I can’t stand it anymore.” Sky started to tear up and was having trouble controlling his emotions, though he couldn’t break down here, in the middle of the lounge. 

Sensing his friend’s emotional state, Lance put his hand on Sky’s shoulder and said quietly, “No, man, it’s cool.  I got your back.  I know about some other guys that have felt like you and did try the suicide thing. A couple of guys even succeeded.  It’s a dirty little secret here they don’t tell. Promise me you won’t do that, and I’ll help you.” 

“I promise. I swear. I just gotta get out of here.” Sky replied very quietly, but now finding his composure again. 

“It’s your life,” Lance said smiling at him now, removing his hand. “You got any idea at all where ya goin?” 

“Nope, just out there somewhere.  I’ll be okay.  I have a cousin in Louisiana I think might take me in,” Sky lied.  In truth, he had no plan whatsoever after the mall escape.   

On the day for the big outing to the mall, six “patients,” including Lance and Sky, were loaded into a van.  Sky had the forty dollars that Stephen had given them, plus, for some reason, he had been given his wallet with his ID and license in it. He surmised they did that to show they trusted him, or maybe they had to so he wasn’t walking around with at least some ID on him if there was some problem or other. Sky had had remembered to put a toothbrush in his pocket, and he had the two hundred dollars safely hidden in his shoe.  He was set. He was going to do this.  He knew he could survive – somehow.  He had seen homeless people back in Jackson.  They were all over.  There were the Salvation Army and soup kitchens.  As long as he went to someplace that he didn’t have to worry about freezing to death, he would be okay.  It was almost summer anyway.  Besides, he was bound to find a job at a McDonald’s or BK or something.  He knew kids that were his age at home working in fast-food restaurants. 

The van stopped at the main entrance of the mall – and right at the food court.  Stephen got out and gave everyone strict instructions to meet up and check in every thirty minutes with him at the kiosk in the food court.  They were also to pair up.  Sky quickly paired up with Lance.  He decided to show up for the first two check-ins before pulling his disappearing act so it wouldn’t look like Lance was in on it.  They walked around a while, and after meeting Stephen for the second check-in, Sky turned to Lance and said, “I really enjoyed meeting you and all, if I ever do go back to Jackson, I’ll look you up.  You were the only guy there that really understands how I feel.  Thanks for being there.” 

“No prob, man.  You sure you want to do this?” 

“I have to do this.  It’s the only way I can have any kind of a life.” 

Lance just nodded and shook his hand as Sky turned to leave. 

He went to a door on the opposite end of the mall from where they had come in and started across the parking lot.  He was lucky to find a bus stop just a block away.   

He had gotten change at the mall arcade.  He put $1.75 in the change machine on the bus and was off.  He asked the driver if his route went anywhere near the Greyhound station or a train depot; the driver told him that it was his last stop on the route. After the bus reached the end of its line, the driver pointed up the street:  “The train station is one block up that direction, and the Greyhound station is two blocks further on.”  Sky decided to try the train station first.   

From Memphis there was a train south to New Orleans or north to Chicago; from either one of those cities he knew he could get to just about anywhere.  Actually the idea of New Orleans was quite appealing; he had visited there numerous times with his parents before the divorce and once with his dad afterwards.  His dad loved the city, probably because there were more whores there than in Jackson.  The problem was that there was not another train till early the next morning. He decided to try the bus station.  There was also no bus to New Orleans until the next day. Also, he figured that if the Refuge people were looking for him, they would check the buses first. Isn’t that the way teenagers are supposed to run away?  He figured no one would suspect that he would camp out in this city overnight and catch a train the next morning.  His decision was made.  Now all he had to do was find a way to hang around for the next fifteen hours or so till his train arrived.   

He walked around and dodged police cars. He ducked into a coffee shop which had internet terminals hooked up for public use.  He ordered a cappuccino and sat down at a terminal.  Sky decided to send Jonah an email and explain that horrible letter he had probably gotten by now. He opened up his email account; everything had been deleted.  He figured he deserved that for letting Windows do the auto-sign-on thing.  Damn Bill Gates and Microsoft.  He figured his mom or dad must’ve gone through all his emails and deleted everything – undoubtedly after reading them, of course.  He decided to write one last email, then delete the account so at least his parents wouldn’t find that one. He set about to write what was really the hardest thing he had ever written. He had to apologize for that damned letter he had been forced to write, and tell Jonah that he did love him, but now, the hardest part was that he had to tell Jonah good-bye for real. Sky knew he could never go home, his Dad hated him and his mom would just put him back in some program like the one he had just escaped, maybe worse, if anything could be worse.  This also meant there was no way to see Jonah again, even if he knew where to look for him.  It was with the greatest despair he had ever felt that he started tapping out this last message to the only person he knew he had ever truly loved and had truly loved him back unconditionally.  He began clicking the mouse searching the internet for the lyrics to that one song he knew might send a special message.

Special thanks to CJ, Colin, and Lugh for help and encouragement, and of course thanks to all of you readers for your support.  Please keep those comments and letters coming.  They really help!