A few minutes later everyone but Sean knew it was time to stop for the day, and his Mom made it clear to Sean that they needed to let the boys go home. Sean looked at them all, unhappy, but resigned, and Jerrod stepped up and pulled him into a hug. “Next week, buddy. We’ll play again.” Sean’s good arm reached around Jerrod’s back and pulled him tight.
Roger followed suit and got a similar reception. Sean released his blond-haired friend, then looked at Matt, who didn’t hesitate, but stepped forward and pulled Sean into a hug, one that turned into a strong embrace as Sean’s arm wrapped around his back. Then Matt picked him up and spun around slowly so Sean’s legs swung out in the air, and he squealed in delight. “See you next week, Sean. Thanks for being my friend.”
Sean said goodbye to Kaiser with a big hug, and they went their separate ways. After they loaded Kaiser in the rear because his paws were muddy, Jerrod and Roger were quiet when they got in the Cherokee. They heard Matt clip his seat belt and pulled out of the parking area heading for Matt’s house. About halfway there, Roger said, “So, Matt, did I hear you tell Sean you’d see him next Thursday?”
Matt was deep in thought, but finally said, “Yeah. He’s a cool kid. It was fun.” He fell into silence, and Roger glanced at Jerrod with a smile.
A minute later Matt said, “He was everything you said he’d be. I’m embarrassed that a couple of months ago I would have called him a cripple or a gimp or a retard or something… and missed completely that he’s such a cool kid.”
Matt fell silent, and shortly they pulled up in front of his house. Jerrod quickly turned off the Cherokee and walked around it to meet Matt. As he stepped out of the rear door, Matt looked up and found himself stepping into a hug.
“Thanks for coming this afternoon, Matt. You’re a good guy. What you did was wonderful.”
Roger was right behind Jerrod and gave him a hug, too. “Great job, Big Guy.”
“I just threw the ball. Don’t make me out to be a hero or something. Are you trying to get me all emotional?”
They knew he was joking, and Roger continued, “No, but being in touch with your emotions so you can say how you feel, and even choke up, isn’t a baby or a girly thing. It turns out it’s a sign of maturity. Ask David about it when you meet with him.”
Matt stood looking at them both and then softly said, “Thanks, you guys for making me come along. You were right, it was worth it.”
Jerrod just smiled at him, then said, “Say ‘hi’ to Nate for us. We’ve got to get rolling.”
Matt nodded, and said, “Cool. See you tomorrow.”
They both nodded and got back in the Cherokee and drove home.
“That was amazing, wasn’t it,” Jerrod said as they rounded the corner.
“Yeah, it was. But you know what?”
Jerrod glanced at him and raised his eyebrows. “It’s not that much different than what happened the first time you and Kaiser met Sean, right. Meaning he just reached in and touched your heart, and you were done! I remember because you were a changed person the next time I saw you.”
“Really? I guess I’ve forgotten.”
“Yeah, you were. Not like you were advertising it, but something had changed, like you were more real or something. You know, like you told Matt, it feels good to be loved. I think that really hit him. That he’s loved by a few people he hardly knows, not because he’s an athlete or a tough guy or whatever, but just for who he is.”
“Wait’ll we tell Jackson about this. Can you stay for dinner?”
“Probably. I’ll have to call mom.”
***
On the drive to school the next morning, Matt said, “You won’t believe what happened when I got in the house yesterday after you guys dropped me off.”
“Yeah?”
“Mom was there and wanted to know if everything was okay and why you guys were hugging me on the curb.”
“Really? How’d she even know?”
“She got home early for a change and was in the living room, watching us pull up and talk and say goodbye and stuff. She saw it all.”
“And?”
“And… and, I told her.”
“Told her what? That you were emotional from being at the park with a handicapped kid?”
“No. Well, yes. That was part of it. But I mean, I told her everything.”
“What’s ‘everything?’ what’s that mean?”
“I mean everything like how alone I felt after dad died, and about Coach Evan and the sexual stuff and why I quit baseball and how being good at football wasn’t enough and how hurt and angry I was, and that I had to be the tough guy and ended up being a bully, all of it.”
Matt got quiet, and Jerrod and Roger let it be. In a minute he said, “And I told her how I would have died on the mountain that time if you hadn’t insisted on finding me and making the guys come with you. And that I was still enough of an asshole, even after that, that I hadn’t connected the dots that you saved my life, and I was still giving you shit for being gay and…”
Matt had run out of words and was softly crying in the back seat. “I’m sorry, you guys. I don’t deserve the way you’ve accepted me. The way you treat me.”
Jerrod had pulled into the parking space at school, shifted into Park and turned off the ignition. He turned in his seat and said, “We’ve got to talk for a minute before we go into school. You deserve every bit of it, Matt. You know why? Because you’re talking about what you were or what you did then compared to now. Compared to how you feel and what you’re doing now. Pretty soon you’re going to have to stop doing that. It’s called beating up on yourself, and I did it for a long time until David and Jackson were on my shit to stop.”
“Okay. I hear you.”
“It’s not easy, though,” Roger added. “If you’ve felt bad about yourself and what you do for a while, it’s like a habit you’ve got to change. When you meet with David you’ll talk about that stuff. In the meantime, just take our word for it, okay. We’re just high school kids like you. It’s not like we’re experts or anything like that. But what matters is that you’ve changed. You decided to, and you did. And, you know what? You’re one of our friends now. That’s what matters. By the way, I never apologized to you.”
“For what? What do you need to apologize to me for?”
“Because on the mountain that day, when Eric said, ‘why bother,’ I agreed with him. I learned from that big time. I always thought I pretty well had it together, but that was a big one for me. I fell into the prejudice trap and fucked up. I was pissed at you for being prejudiced about gay kids and I ended up being prejudiced, too, just in the other direction. So, that’s why I own you an apology.”
Matt had wiped the tears off his face with his sleeve, and said, “Okay, accepted. I know you. If I don’t say it, you won’t believe it happened and will be on me till I do.” He grinned. “It feels a lot better after telling mom. I mean I’ve told Jackson most of it, and soon it’ll be David too, and I don’t care if you know all the details. You know that baseball coach got me to do sex stuff with him. That’s what I’ve got to sort out, and why Jackson made me promise to meet with David. He said I need to accept it wasn’t my fault. So, I will. And what I should have told you yesterday, is that I love you guys.”
“It works the other way too. We love you, too, and we’re not going to try and turn you gay,” Jerrod said.
“But,” Roger added, with an impish look on his face, “I dare you to walk across the parking lot and into the building holding both our hands.”
A huge grin broke out across his face, and Matt’s momentary shock immediately melted, and he laughed out loud. “You’re going to have to give me some time on that one. I don’t think I’m quite there yet, okay?”
***
Kim was staying over at Eric’s house, so on Saturday morning it was one stop to pick them up at Eric’s house and head to Lewis & Clark to play tennis. On the drive up they talked about how their matches on Saturday would make them more competitive for the tennis they played with the team at school. It turned into another competitive match, and they all ended up very hot and sweaty. After a quick lunch, they dropped Eric and Kim off, and when they got home they found Kaiser on his bed in the kitchen. There was a note on the kitchen table that David and Jackson were out shopping and would be back mid-afternoon.
“I don’t know about you, but I need a shower bad.” Roger nodded and said, “You go first. I’ll throw these dirty clothes in the wash.” Jerrod shouted at him when he was done, and Roger headed down for his shower. When he was finished, he walked across the hall naked, carrying his towel.
As he passed through the doorway, he saw Jerrod on the bed facing the foot, lying naked on his stomach like a cupid with his ankles crossed up in the air. His chin was resting on the backs of his interlaced fingers, and his eyes were glowing, and his smile was lascivious. Roger walked into the bedroom toweling his still-damp hair. He shook his head knowing how much Jerrod liked seeing it flow through the air.
Jerrod was taking in the sum total of this beautiful visage, his blonde-haired boyfriend, still innocently drying his hair, his uncut cock softly suspended below his patch of dark blonde pubes, swinging in front of him as he walked. He loved the naturalness of it, and especially was stirred by the shape of the foreskin covering the cock head. He could already imagine it pulling back and revealing what was hidden beneath.
Jerrod caught Roger’s eye, smiled more, and blew him a kiss. Roger said softly “You look very cute and very sexy, liebling.”
“That’s the idea. The whole time we played I was getting hornier and hornier watching your body, thinking about your naked ass and wanting to see your cock and really wanting it in my mouth.”
“Whoa, you’re on a tear today!”
“Yeah, I am. So, come over here, if you please. I want to try something new.”
Roger’s eyes sparkled as he grinned and said, “Something else new?” He could feel his cock plumping. He stepped to the foot of the bed, and heard Jerrod say, “Drop the towel.”
Jerrod then rolled on his back. For a moment Roger couldn’t figure out what Jerrod had planned because his head was extended beyond the foot of the mattress, kind of hanging off the edge. Roger felt Jerrod’s hands on the backs of his thighs, then was aware that they slowly slid up to cup his ass, and then pulled him toward the bed. Suddenly his cock was dangling over Jerrod’s mouth, and Jerrod kissed it, then nuzzled it, and his tongue flicked around the end. As Roger realized what was his boyfriend was planning on doing, he began getting hard, the engorged head pushing beyond his foreskin, allowing Jerrod’s tongue to stimulate him further.
He was staring down at his cock now resting on Jerrod’s lips, enjoying the stimulation from his boyfriend’s tongue, and amplified by the entirely new perspective—a view of Jerrod softly kissing the tip of his cock from below. That’s when he felt Jerrod squeeze his cheeks and pull him forward. His now hardened cock slid into Jerrod’s mouth. This time, though, he was seeing it from above and he felt Jerrod continue pulling and watched his entire cock slide into his boyfriend’s mouth.
He was overwhelmed with the sensation. His mind had trouble processing what was happening. It was a blowjob like he’d never had before, the sensory feeling rushing through his body. He felt Jerrod push his hips back softly, and as his cock slid out, he heard Jerrod take a deep breath. As he did, he was giggling and softly kissing the head of Roger’s cock again. Roger found himself alternating between feeling the sexual sensations, being overwhelmed with the visuals, and reveling in the feeling of love for his soulmate who was working to give him an entirely new experience.
He felt Jerrod’s hands firmly cup his ass again and pull forward, and he watched once more as his cock slipped into Jerrod’s mouth, sliding all the way in until his pubes were pushed up against his boyfriend’s lips and he could feel balls resting against his nose. The raw sexiness of the situation was taking over and involuntarily he pulled back a little and thrust back in. He heard Jerrod moan.
Responding, he pulled back and out, and Jerrod said, “No. I want it.” The pull on his ass started again and he watched his cock slid all the way into Jerrod’s mouth. Then he began to realize what was completely different about this new thing Jerrod was doing for him. By lying with his head hanging off the end of the bed, his mouth and throat were one straight tube with no bend. When he slid in, it was a slow, straight, continuous and smooth stroke that now felt so intense it almost overwhelmed him. He felt Jerrod push his hips back, watched his cock emerge from Jerrod’s mouth. He watched his boyfriend take another deep breath, a huge smile on his face and his eyes radiant, being quite aware of the effect it was having on Roger.
As he was pulled back in again, the hands cupping his ass now feeling like two sensuous instruments that guided him into this astonishing erogenous experience, he was suddenly overwhelmed with the stimulation and the love that was driving it.
“Oh my god, liebling, this is too much, I’m going to cum.”
Jerrod pushed his hips back slowly and as the now throbbing cock eased out of his mouth, he said, “Not yet. I want you to cum in my mouth so I can taste every drop. Every last drop.” With that he pulled Roger into him one more time, then pushed his hips back so his cock slipped out. Jerrod then delicately turned over on the bed, lying on his stomach again and pulled Roger’s hips forward so his mouth could take him. Jerrod’s tongue was stroking and circling the head and he felt it swell further, the final swelling before he’d cum. Jerrod pulled him deeper in as he felt the final swelling and heard Roger begin to moan. Then he tenderly guided him back, holding him by his hips so that the head of his cock was on Jerrod’s tongue, firmly held in place by his lips.
When Roger came, and his knees buckled forward against the end of the mattress. Jerrod held him as best he could by the hips, but Roger’s climax was so intense that after the third spurt he felt his legs weaken and he had to lean forward with his arms on Jerrod’s shoulders.
The sensations were overwhelming and he felt weak in the knees. He also felt Jerrod swallow each pulse of cum, and then softly suckle his cock, until it was too much, and he had to pull out. He dropped to his knees, his head next to Jerrod’s, hugging him tightly and whispering his amazement into his lover’s ear.
Eventually he climbed on the bed and they both turned up to lay in each other’s arms on the pillows at the head of the bed. Roger reached for Jerrod’s cock, and found it didn’t take much at all to make him fully hard, and slowly and softly he began to stroke him. Then in a minute, he slid down between Jerrod’s legs, spreading them as he took his cock in his mouth. After a minute, he
purposefully raised up on his hands. His face was above his boyfriend’s, and he very deliberately put his middle finger in his mouth, sucking it in and out to wet it with saliva, and then, while still staring into Jerrod’s eyes slid the hand back between his boyfriend’s thighs.
They knew each other’s bodies, and Roger’s finger was immediately on Jerrod’s anus and he felt him spread his legs further to ease the entry. He rubbed and circled and then pushed in. He heard Jerrod whine softly. As soon as he felt his prostate, Roger lowered himself down and took Jerrod’s cock in his mouth, plunging down to try and give Jerrod a sensation like what he’d just experienced. Jerrod gasped, and he began to writhe on the bed, and within a minute he moaned and then raised his hips as he said he was going to cum. Roger pulled back to assure he could receive and taste every bit, as had just been done for him.
They were laying in each other’s arms again, having fallen asleep for a couple of minutes. Roger’s head was on Jerrod’s shoulder and he said, “What you did was amazing. Where did that come from?”
“It was good?”
“Good? It was totally amazing. It felt so… I don’t know, I’ve never felt something like that. How did you know…?”
He couldn’t finish the sentence as Jerrod pulled him into his chest “I’m happy you liked it and that it felt good.” He paused, then giggled. “You’ll never guess where I got the idea.”
“Tell me.”
“I was thinking the other day that I should do a refresh on my first aid course since we’re at the hospital every week, and I looked through my first aid manual.”
“Yeah? What does that have to do with giving your boyfriend the most intense blow job ever?”
“Well,” and he giggled again, “I was reading the section about intubating and ventilating a patient with a blocked airway, and you probably don’t know this, but when a patient is intubated with a laryngoscope, the clinician tips the patient’s head back with the laryngoscope so there’s a straight line through the mouth and throat to pass the intubation tube down into the airway. Well, I was thinking about that straight line, and then I thought if I hung my head off the bed, I bet I could kind of create it, you know without a medical instrument, and maybe it’d be different for you. Was it?”
“Are you shitting me? It was like having my cock in a tunnel of love. And then each time it came out you were kissing and licking the head. Over the top stimulation!” He paused, reflecting. “And you got the idea from your first aid manual?”
“Yeah.” Jerrod was grinning now, proud of himself and happy. “I’d never try to intubate someone. It’s pretty specialized and takes lots of practice. But I saw that drawing and it gave me an idea, and I could kind of see your beautiful cock sliding straight in, sliding all the way in, and then sliding out. And when you slid all the way in, your balls were resting on my nose, which made it a little hard to breathe, but the smell of you was so sexy. Clean from the shower, but still nicely pungent and all my selle.”
Jerrod had reached down and was holding Roger’s cock, which was getting hard in his hand. “It was this beautiful cock right here that I was thinking about. And look, Little Roger’s getting hard again.” He giggled and then said, “I guess he needs another treatment.”
***
The plan was for Matt to have his first session with David while Jerrod and Roger were at the hospital on Sunday. Saturday evening, before they left to walk to the Sellwood Grill for dinner, the phone rang, and it was Matt’s mom. Jackson answered the phone, and they chatted for a couple of minutes, and then they heard him say, “I think that would be a good idea. Let me put David on, but know we’re all about to head out for a dinner reservation.”
He mouthed “It’s Matt’s mom,” as he handed David the phone, and motioned Roger and Jerrod to take a seat.
David and Laurie introduced themselves, and then after a couple of minutes they heard David say, “Yes, what Matt told you is the case. Besides being Dean of Students at Lewis & Clark, I am a psychologist, and most of my work has been with youth. Most, but not all of it, has been with gay youth, but Matt has told you he was sexually abused by a man, so he almost certainly has sexual identity problems to sort out.”
David listened for another minute or so, and then said, “Mrs. Willis…” he paused. “Okay, Laurie, listen. I’m more than happy to see your son for a couple of therapy sessions… or as many as are necessary. You understand the underlying bond here, don’t you?”
They could tell from the grin on David’s face that he’d caught her off guard. “He’s in Kaiser’s Pack, just like Nate is. It so happens that so am I and my partner. We all take care of each other, it’s no more complicated than that.”
Another minute, then, “Yes, you’re right. Jerrod and Roger are fine and upstanding young men, and I’m happy they’re friends with your sons as well. So, let me put your mind at ease. There’s no cost. There’s no obligation. This will just be an older guy with some experience in life trying to assist a teenager who’s had some tough turns in his life. Drop him by here at ten o’clock. Jerrod and Roger will be at the hospital with Kaiser, I’ll get Jackson out of the house somehow, and Matt and I will meet in my office.”
David then said goodbye, turned and said, “All set. Now, let’s roll. I’m ready for another glass of wine followed by dinner.”
The next morning, David met Matt at the door, whisked him in the house and said, “You’ve been here before, so just be comfortable. Like I told your mom, this is not some formal counseling session. This is just people in Kaiser’s Pack helping each other out.”
“Have Jerrod and Roger told you that I’ve told them tons of times that they’re crazy? Good crazy, but crazy!”
“No, but I get your meaning. So, now, first big decision. Can I get you something to drink? I’m going to have a cup of coffee, but there’s juice and soft drinks, too.”
“Coffee would be great.”
They walked into the kitchen. “Second big decision. Do you want to talk in here or in the office?”
Matt shyly grinned and said, “Jackson started his talk with me in here over lunch. Is this okay?”
“This is just fine. It makes it less formal, and I’ll be less inclined to send your mother a bill this way.”
He watched Matt’s eyebrows shoot up. “Relax, I’m joking. Black, cream or sugar?”
In a minute he set two coffee mugs on the table in front of them and asked where Matt wanted to start?
“Well, I don’t know… I mean, you already know some of what happened… and Jackson asked me to meet with you. So, I figured you’d be asking me questions.”
“Matt, I’m guessing from what Jackson told me that counseling is new to you. So, here’s a fact. An awful lot of time spent in counseling is the counselor trying to establish trust, and then understand the real person sitting in front of them. I mean trying to get beyond the image that the person is projecting, to get at the reality. Who is this person really, what really happened in their life, why are they the way they are, what are they trying to protect? Do you follow me?”
“Yeah, I guess so.
“All I’m telling you is that most of that work is already out of the way. Not only do you know what happened and how you compensated, you’ve decided to be honest about it and do something about it. You’ve already told Jackson and your mom a lot, and I’m guessing you told Jerrod and Roger some, too. Am I right?”
He nodded.
“Would it surprise you to learn that therapists can spend months, years even, trying to get through people’s defenses to answer those questions? But in your case, we don’t have to do that because you’re already getting in touch with yourself, understanding what happened and how you compensated. Are you following me?”
“Yeah, I am. You kind of mean that all of that has been compressed into the last few weeks for me?”
“That’s exactly what I mean. But with one big difference. Many clients have to be dragged kicking and screaming into being honest about it all. The good news is that most youth don’t because they’re naturally more honest and open about themselves, and they haven’t been playing cover up for decades. So, let’s start with your situation. Losing your father when you’re a young teen is hard for anyone. How old were you?”
“Twelve, almost thirteen.”
“And how old were you when the abuse with Coach Evan began?”
“Almost fourteen.”
“And that went on how long?”
“A couple of years, but it only got into sex stuff the second year.”
“And somewhere around the end of that second year you realized what was going on and confronted him, or whatever, so it stopped?”
Matt nodded.
“Okay, so we’ve established that apart from those two events, you’ve been dealing with it in one way or the other, compensating in one way or the other, for three years or longer, right?”
“Yeah. What does that mean?”
“It means it’s not a very long time. Here’s the first thing I want you to understand. On top of you already coming clean with yourself and your mom and your friends, you don’t have years of this façade, this false front, built into your life. You’ve been hurting and angry, and understandably so, but it hasn’t been going on for ten or twenty years, has it?”
Matt shook his head.
“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Physician, heal thyself,’ from the Bible?”
He nodded again.
“My point is just that it appears in the New Testament, that’s all. I’d just say to you that you’ve already started to heal yourself, and that came about from your own recognition and your own decision. You didn’t need a therapist to convince you about it. Are you still with me?”
“Yeah, I am. But don’t make me out like a hero or something. It took hearing that Eric said ‘why bother’ when I almost died on the mountain to figure out that I’d turned into an asshole. Then it took Kaiser and Jerrod and Roger accepting me, in spite of all my harassment. And then it took Jackson to ring my bell about the hurt and the anger I’m carrying around.”
David gave him a warm and encouraging smile. “Isn’t it wonderful to have people like that in your life?”
They were looking at each other, eye to eye, and David saw Matt’s defenses start to break down. “Yeah, it is. Roger and Jerrod hauled me along when they met with Sean the other day and what Jerrod said was right. Sean’s a sweet kid who just wants to be happy, and it feels good to be happy. And to be loved.”
“I know you used to play baseball, so, I’ll tell you that you’re almost to third base, and if you can make that turn, you’re on the home plate stretch.”
“Really?” Matt’s eyes were moist, and there was a level of desperation in his question.
“Really! Most of the work is getting clients to the point they can be honest about their circumstances and make the decision. You’ve already done that. Now, let’s talk about sexual identity.”
Matt’s eyes widened, but he nodded his head.
“Don’t panic. This won’t be much different than the GSA talk I gave at school last month. It just starts with this. Our sexual identity is a subset of our personal identity. I know that seems pretty obvious. Then there’s the fact that we now know that most of what makes people gay is genetic. Very little of it is choice or the environment they’re raised in. Here’s the issue, though. Very few people understand that most of their identity is handed to them prepackaged by their family and community and society. You know what I mean? Obey your parents, boys are tough, they’re supposed to be athletes, go to college to succeed in life. We grow up absorbing all of that and miss the fact that at some point we can choose to be that person or not. What if you’re actually into art and are a fabulous watercolor painter. How do you think it would have gone down if last Fall you told the guys on the football team that you weren’t going to play because you wanted to concentrate on your painting so you could get into art school?”
“It would have been like a bomb exploding.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I had a rep to live up to, they all expected me to play football, they all think painting is for sissies and they were all counting on me… oh, I see what you mean. They were all counting on me or whatever, and I’d bought in and there was no going back, right?”
“Something like that. In your case I think you started out in sports because of how close you were to your dad and because he was a good athlete and taught you how to play and you had a lot of fun. I have no idea if he would have said, “Matt, I want you to know how much I love you. And I also want you to know that if you want to paint instead of play ball, I’ll love you the same.”
Matt started to say something, and David said, “No, don’t. You don’t need to reply. Just consider what I’m saying.”
He paused. “My father was a big time attorney and he never said anything like that to me. He didn’t have the ability to. That’s just the way it was. Maybe your dad did. That’s all I want you to think about. What if?” What if you could have done this or that and be loved just as much?”
He smiled at Matt and could see he was processing.
“So, a similar thing happens about sexual identity. The fact is that sexual expression happens on a continuum from one hundred percent straight on one end, to bisexual in the middle, to one hundred percent gay on the other end. Did you know that?”
“No, not really.”
“Well, those are established scientific facts, on top of what I said earlier that most of being gay is genetic. I was a minister who was clueless about being gay because I was conforming to what my family and society wanted. I could have married some nice young lady and had children and gone on being a minister with a family. What do you think that would have been like? I mean really?”
“Well, if you’re really gay, then it would have been pretty weird. I guess you would have been living a lie, huh?”
“Exactly. And I would have been highly conflicted and unfulfilled and maybe in a miserable situation partly of my own making. But a lot of it would have been because of the identity that was bestowed on me. Because I hadn’t critically assessed who I was and why I was the way I was. Because I hadn’t done that work, that was the direction I was heading.”
“What happened?”
“You really want to know? It’s personal, and it might embarrass you.”
“Yeah, I want to know. I’m almost past embarrassment on this stuff, you know.”
“What happened is I was a minister back then, arrived at my first church, and part of the moving crew was this incredibly beautiful and attractive young man, a junior in high school, who showed up in a green tank top, way too tight cut off Levi’s and white underwear.”
“What?”
“True story. It knocked me off my feet. On top of that he was so honest, so serious, so caring, so passionate, that suddenly all these things I had been so certain about were no longer made out of concrete and steel anymore.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning it was such a jolt of reality that I had to get real, like really real, about who I was and what I wanted.”
“And you did?”
“Yes. It didn’t take long to realize I’d fallen in love for the first time in my life, and I was totally undone. Most of the crap I said I believed about myself and about life was just stuff I’d inherited from somewhere.”
Matt was quiet. Then he said, “That was Jackson, wasn’t it?”
David nodded, and now it was his turn to get emotional. “I haven’t re-lived those memories for a long time, but, yes. It was Jackson. And now he’s my partner of over twenty years and you’re sitting here having this conversation with me. Neither of those things would be happening if I’d just stuffed away the feelings or gone with the conventional behaviors.”
“Wait a minute. You’re telling me that we wouldn’t be having this talk if he hadn’t showed up in those too tight cut offs?”
“Pretty much. But that’s between us. I don’t want you giving him shit about it. Well, not too much, okay?” David grinned conspiratorially.
“Is this what Jackson meant when he said that in this house there are no secrets? Everyone’s here for everyone else?”
“Pretty much. But let’s get back to you. My story was about what it took to figure out I’m gay, and fortunately what came out of that was finding the love of my life. My sense is that you’re not gay. Is that the case?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, why would you think I’m gay?”
“Whoa, whoa! Matt, did you hear me say I think you’re gay?”
Matt paused, then said, “Well, no, but you said I could be gay.”
“No, what I said is that ‘my sense is that you’re not gay.’ Then I asked you to confirm the fact.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Do you see what just happened? You reacted, negatively reacted, to the mention of homosexuality. I said I assumed you’re not gay and you still reacted. Why do you think that is?”
Matt was quiet.
“Well? Any ideas? I’ve told you about me.”
“No, I mean… I don’t know. I’m not gay, I know that.”
“So, you agree with me that you’re not gay, right?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Okay, good. We’re on the same page. Now, can I ask you another question?”
“Yeah, but I feel like this is a set up!”
“It is, but it’s not a bad one. In fact, it may be the best set up of your life so far.”
“Really?”
David nodded. “It’s really a quite simple question. What do you suppose might have happened in your life that would make you react the way you just did about the subject of homosexuality?”
“I don’t know, I mean… you know, I’ve told you I’m not gay.”
“Yeah, and I heard that. I didn’t ask you about what you’d told me. I asked you about what happened to you, to Matt Willis, that might have caused this reaction? Would make him so conflicted about his sexuality?”
“I don’t know, I mean… oh wait. You mean what actually happened… like happened to me? Oh fuck! You mean what Coach Evan did, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. You were sexually molested. You can acknowledge that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. You were sexually molested by your coach, meaning he not only took physical and sexual advantage of you, but breached a major bond of trust. Can you acknowledge that?”
“Well, yeah. We were really close. He was my coach, my hero, and then he…” The sentence died.
“Yeah. He did this horrible thing to you. He hurt you deeply, didn’t he?”
Matt nodded. “Yeah. I cried every night for the longest time.”
“But eventually you got through the pain because you’re a tough kid, and you learned, like all the rest of us do, that shit happens in life and we’ve all got to recover and go on. Right?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“But I think two other things happened. First, you stuffed all those feelings, all that hurt, inside. You didn’t tell your mom or anyone else. So, you didn’t work through the pain and the grief. That means you have a lot of unresolved stuff in here.” David patted his own chest.
Matt nodded. “That’s what I’m finding out.”
“The other thing,” David went on, “is that a man did this to you. So, on top of it being a breach of trust, it was homosexual sex. Man on man, or in this case, man on boy. Right?”
Matt had tears in his eyes again and just nodded.
“Matt, this happened when you were a kid. We don’t grow up in a culture that tells us about the continuum of sexuality and says to us ‘when you grow up you can be straight or bi or gay,’ do we?”
Matt shook his head.
“So, if you’re a guy growing up around other guys, playing sports and all that other stuff, the expected sexual identity is what? Straight, or bi or gay?”
“Straight.”
“And if you’re homosexually abused, what question does that plant in your mind about your own sexuality?”
Matt was quiet, looking down at the table. It was obvious this was still really emotional for him, and he couldn’t look up at David.
Finally, David said, “Matt. Look at me.”
It took some time, but he did.
“So, did what happened to you scare you into thinking it was somehow your fault? That on top of that, somehow you were gay, or it made you gay, or something like that?”
Matt nodded, the tears on his cheeks glistening.
“Let me disabuse you of that idea,” David said, “going back to what I said earlier. Most of being gay is genetic. In addition to people who are homosexual, there are men who like to have sex with men, and women who like to have sex with women. Are you aware of that?”
He shook his head, and David went on. “The studies say between five and ten percent of men are gay. There’s this other category referred to as ‘men who have sex with men,’ and they make up as many as ten percent of men. Add those together and you get as many as twenty percent of men who have sex with other men. The point about that is just that it happens even if most people don’t know about it.”
David paused and could see Matt was processing the new information. Finally, he said, “What does that mean?”
“In terms of you, Matt Willis, it’s just background information. Men have sex with men, that’s all. The real point is that in your case an adult man forced you into gay sex with him. That doesn’t make you gay. It was forced.”
Matt was looking at him blankly.
“I’m going to say the two most important things for you to hear today. First, what happened with that coach wasn’t your fault. He was a sexual predator, and they come in different colors, gay and straight. Second, what he did to you didn’t make you gay, and won’t make you gay. That is, unless you are gay and haven’t come clean about it.”
Matt choked on the last words he heard, but then realized he was looking into David’s open, accepting and smiling face. Then he realized it was a joke and laughed.
David laughed with him, and then said, “Here’s why sorting all this out matters. We’ve established your sexual identity is straight, not gay. That puts you in the category with eighty or ninety percent of men. However, what happened to you has had a pretty dramatic effect on your life. I’m pretty certain it resulted in a lot of shame, and on top of that, fear about what it might mean about you. About your own sexuality. And I think all of that manifested in your tough guy and bullying behavior, and especially harassing gay kids, all of which seems to me to be a way to prove to yourself that you’re not gay.”
Matt’s face contorted, but he said, “Yeah, pretty much.”
“So, here’s what really matters. You’re not only a good looking young man, and a great athlete, you’re intelligent and you have a lot of potential! You have your whole life ahead of you, and who knows what great things you can do? Is getting married and having a family in that bunch of dreams you have in your head?”
Matt nodded slowly, “Well, yeah. Doesn’t everyone want to get married and have a family.”
“Yes, pretty much everyone does. But here’s the point. Having a family ideally means at least two things. First, that you find the right young lady, your true love, your soulmate. I’d say to you that doing so pretty much requires that you know yourself if you have any hope of finding and establishing a relationship with that ideal person for you.”
Matt was quiet, but nodded.
“On top of that, you’ve been sexually traumatized, whether you admit it or not. I don’t know what your dating life has been like and you don’t need to tell me. Here’s the point. Trauma is trauma, and what happened to you appears to have raised deep doubts in your own person about your own sexuality. I’m here to tell you that unless you sort out and get past this nagging doubt, you won’t have a full and healthy sex life with that love of your life when you should happen to find her.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Trauma is trauma. You’ve got to sort all this stuff out if you want to have a healthy and happy love life. You’ve got all this pain and all these feelings stuffed away inside you. Who knows when they’re going to come out? Who knows what could trigger that happening? What if it happens twenty years from now after you’re married and have those kids? This stuff we’re talking about has nothing to do with gender, with being gay or straight. You may not have heard, but recently just over the river in Vancouver a high school teacher was arrested for seducing and having sex with one of her students. She, the teacher, seduced him, the student. What do you think that might have done to the student?”
Matt’s eyes widened. “Fucked him up. You mean like a teacher, an older woman?”
“Yeah. That student may have gotten his rocks off a few times, but his view of females in general, and older women in particular, just changed big time. We need to stop for today, but all I’m saying to you is you’ve had some unfair shit happen to you in your life. In spite of that, you’re a good guy. I got that on good authority because I checked with Kaiser before he left for the hospital this morning.”
Matt grinned at him knowingly, his eyes still red.
“We all want you to have a full and happy life full of love. We know you want the same thing. So, bottom line is that you just need to sort this stuff out. And I’m happy to say, like I did earlier, that you’re rounding third base, and will soon be heading for home plate.”
“Thanks, David. I wish I’d met you before.”
“We are where we are, doing what we can. All of this can be worked out, you’ve just got to commit to doing the work. You’ve got to round third base and then you can head for home plate.”