Whenever Grandpa and I were going someplace in the truck, I watched as he manipulated the clutch and the gear shift. One day I asked, “Grandpa, I know that that pedal is called the clutch, but what does it do and why does the truck have one? Dad’s cars never had them.”
Grandpa explained how when you push in on the clutch pedal it allows you to shift gears. “Clutches are much older than automatic transmissions,” he went on. “But having a gearshift and a clutch is much better when you’re hauling loads or when you need extra power, like going up steep hills. Then you can just leave the truck in first or second gear and you’ll have all the power you want. You won’t go fast, but you can haul big loads that way. It was very handy when we had the wagon full of hay bales.” Then he asked something that surprised me. “Do you want to try it?”
Gulping, I replied, “Sure, but I’m not quite old enough to drive. I don’t have a license.”
“You don’t need one on a farm. For that matter, even driving into town in farm country nobody’s going to stop you. There are probably a lot of underage drivers around here. Hop down.”
I climbed out of my seat, my heart thumping in my chest, and went around to the driver’s side, where I climbed in. I found my feet were still a ways from the pedals so I pulled the seat forward and waited for Grandpa to get settled.
“Now,” he said, “the truck is in neutral and the hand brake is on. Just push the clutch in and leave it in and I’ll show you how to shift.” In a few minutes I knew where all the gears were and, on command, put the truck back in neutral.
“OK. Now, take off the hand brake and, when I tell you to, put down the clutch, shift into first gear, and then as you’re giving it just a little gas slowly let the clutch out.” I tried to keep everything straight but as I let the clutch up the truck bucked a couple of times and died.
“That’s OK. That’ll happen at first until you learn just where the clutch engages. Every truck and car is a little different. Put in the clutch again, start the truck, and try again.”
On my fourth try the truck began moving forward slowly. I fed it a little more gas and it kept rolling a little faster. Grandpa patiently taught me how to shift into the other gears and keep going. Within an hour, I’d learned how to shift and engage the gears without the truck bucking and stalling and was driving with a little confidence.
After that I continued my lessons every day until I was driving on the road. I learned how to back up safely, and Grandpa even taught me how to parallel park so that I could go to Lancaster.
When I turned sixteen Grandpa enrolled me in a Drivers’ Ed course in Lancaster. I had to take classes there in addition to driving lessons because the state required the course for a license.
Meanwhile, Josh continued to spend a lot of time on the farm which meant that he and I spent a lot of time in the loft, much to Derek’s giggly amusement. For both of us this was a satisfying and wonderfully happy time.
One hot, sultry afternoon in August we were all working in the vegetable garden. Shirtless and wearing only shorts and boots, we were sweating profusely in the humid air. Suddenly, with seemingly no warning, the sky grew black and thunder rumbled in the distance.
“Head for cover,” shouted Grandpa. He, Derek, and Teddy raced to the house while Josh, Charlie and I ran for the barn. Just after we got inside the door the deluge began pounding down. Charlie, who never seemed to fear thunderstorms or anything else for that matter, sat happily in the open doorway, while Josh and I sped up the ladder, laughing as we went.
At the top of the ladder, Josh turned and grabbed me. Holding me tightly he began kissing me passionately. I was eagerly aware of his hot body as we pressed together, our sweat mingling between us. As we embraced, with my head on his shoulder, I felt the warmth radiating from his body and I inhaled his wonderful male smell of sweat mixed with soil. Oh God, I thought, this is wonderful!
Soon we had stripped off our shorts and boots and were lying in the hay, slowly, excitedly licking the salty-sweet sweat from each other. Although the door to the loft was open a bit, the sky outside was so dark we could barely see except when the lightning flashed. The thunder grew closer and closer to the flashes of lightning as the rain on the roof pounded insistently as though it was desperate to get in. We continued to embrace and kiss and lick. At last we buried our faces in the salt-sweet scent of one another’s crotches, stronger here than anywhere else. Then without speaking we took each other’s boners in our hands and began to move slowly up and down until we came. When the pulsing and throbbing and squirting finally subsided we lay back beside each other. It was a moment of complete bliss. The entire event had probably taken no more than eight or nine minutes. We lay completely spent once again in each other’s arms and dozed.
We awoke as the pounding rain began to let up. As we were dressing, I asked, “Josh, what am I gonna do? I love everything we’re doing and this was wonderful, but how do I know whether or not I’m gay?”
“Maybe you have to try kissing a girl,” Josh replied half in jest.
“Oh, God, that’s scary.”
“Why?”
“Well, what if she doesn’t like it or she hits me or something?”
“You don’t just walk up to her in the school hallway and do it. You ask a girl you like out on a date. That’s where you do it. I suppose you just have to take the chance but I doubt she’ll hit you.”
With that we raced through the last of the rain to the house.
In the days that followed I thought a lot about what Josh had said and finally decided I had to give it a try.
On the Sunday of Labor Day weekend it was announced in church that there would be a social there for the high school kids the next evening to kick off the new school year. Wandering about during the coffee hour after church I noticed a girl from my class, Maryanne, who I knew was much adored by the other boys, but I didn’t know if she had a boyfriend. Gritting my teeth I went up to her and asked her if she would be my date at the social. She looked surprised for a minute before smiling and saying, “I thought you were queer.”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know if I am or not.”
“So you want to date me as a test?”
I blushed furiously. “Yeah, I guess that’s right. It’s not much of a compliment is it?”
She laughed and said, “Oh, the social’s not a very serious time so if you want to pick me up and take me I guess we could try it.” She told me where she lived and I promised to pick her up the next evening, hoping Grandpa would let me use the truck.
Grandpa agreed, so the next night I put on my best new school clothes, including my new jeans, and drove to her house on a nearby farm. Walking up to the front door I nearly panicked. What if she’s changed her mind? What if I do something really stupid?
Maryanne must’ve been watching, because she opened the door, called “Goodbye,” back inside the house, closed the door, took my hand, and walked with me to the truck. I was so nervous that I stalled the truck before I got it in gear, but the second time I was successful and we drove to the church hall which, we found, was decorated with streamers and balloons for the occasion.
When we went in I was painfully aware that the other kids were staring and whispering to each other. I guess they were surprised that I, who they thought was queer, had the most beautiful girl in our class as a date. I grew bright red and had no idea what to do.
“Would you like to get me something to drink?” Maryanne asked.
“Sh…sure. What do you want?” I went over to the table and got her some punch and myself a Coke and returned with the drinks and a couple of cookies.
Soon the music began, a kind of music I had never heard, and the other kids began to form into groups. “What is this?” I asked.
“It’s square dancing. Don’t you know how to square dance?”
“I’ve never even seen a square dance.”
“C’mon. It’s easy. I’ll help you.” She took me to a group that was looking for a fourth couple and told me where to stand. As the music started and the caller called out different steps, she guided me through them. The others quickly caught on that they had a novice in their midst so they too guided me. Before I knew it I was actually having fun. The other kids were laughing and enjoying themselves and even though they kidded me I knew it was in fun so I laughed too.
We danced four square dances before taking a break. By then I was warm and went to get more drinks.
“See,” said Maryanne, “that wasn’t so bad was it?”
“No, it was fun.”
“That’s good because we’ll do more in a few minutes.” We did. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and forgot completely that I was involved in a test with a girl. I danced and spun and do-si-doed and formed stars and chains.
Finally, after the final set, somebody put on a very different kind of record, some of the lights went off, and everybody began to slow dance. I immediately froze, remembering why I was there and that I had never danced with anybody except Mom when I was little.
“Well, c’mon,” said Maryanne, holding out her hands. She took me gently, held me closely, and began moving. I tried to keep up, stepping on her toes only a couple of times. Is this when I should be getting a boner? I wondered. I looked around but the other couples were so close together I couldn’t get a good view of any of the other boys. I rather enjoyed the cuddling, but I felt nothing else.
At the end of the evening I drove Maryanne home. We were pretty silent in the truck until I pulled up in front of her house. I waited for her to get out but she said, “Well, aren’t you going to see me to the door?”
Embarrassed again I climbed out of the truck, went around, helped her out and suddenly, I don’t know how, I was in her arms. Gently but firmly, she kissed me on the mouth, holding her mouth there for a few moments before I felt her tongue on my lips. Instinctively, I opened my mouth and her tongue found its way in and around. When she withdrew her tongue I tried it. It felt good, I thought, but I still wasn’t feeling anything down below.
“What do you think?” she whispered.
“Oh, God, now I’m more confused than ever,” I whispered back.
She gave a little laugh, took my hand, and we walked to the door. “Let me know what you decide,” she smiled. “Whatever you do, you’re real cute and I had a good time.”
“So did I, and whatever I decide, you’re beautiful.”
“Thank you,” she said, smiling and giving me another little peck on my mouth before she opened her door, turned, waved, smiled again , and closed it.
Driving home, I couldn’t keep my mind on the road. Fortunately, there was no traffic, and I managed to get home without mishap.
Letting myself into the kitchen, I saw Grandpa reading at the table. “Did you have a good time?” he asked.
“Yeah….Yes, sir, I did. I’m kinda surprised.”
Grandpa chuckled. “Well, good. Now get some sleep. Remember, school starts Wednesday.”
Ugh, I thought, climbing the stairs as quietly as I could. I went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and peed, and then went into the bedroom where I silently undressed. But as I climbed into bed I heard, “Oh, no, you’re not going to get away with that! How was it?” Both my brothers giggled.
“It was fun, now go to sleep.”
“Did you kiss her?” asked Derek.
“None of your business.”
“Oh ho, that means he did,” and the two boys giggled uncontrollably.
“Shut up and go to sleep,” I said good-naturedly before turning on my side away from them.
In the early morning, I awoke with my usual erection. Taking a chance that the boys were asleep, I pulled down my undershorts and began to gently rub myself, but as I came, I realized I was fantasizing, not about Maryanne, but about Josh.