As we were finishing supper on the evening before Halloween we heard a car pull into the driveway. Assuming it was Josh’s parents I opened the door and saw Garrett climbing out of his car.
“It’s Garrett,” I said to the boys. “Go upstairs.”
“Uh-oh,” Derek exclaimed, grabbing the chess set and heading for the stairs.
I glowered at Garrett as he came on to the porch. “May I come in?” he asked.
“No,” I said, standing my ground. “Say what you have to say and leave.”
He looked momentarily startled but went on. “First, Greg I have to tell you how sorry I am about what Josh and I did. It was more my fault than his and you have every right to be angry at me. I know I really screwed up.”
He paused, waiting for me to say something, but I remained silent.
“But I don’t think you’re being fair to Josh or your brothers,” he continued. “I know you love Josh. Can’t you forgive him?”
Still I said nothing.
“Aren’t you even going to talk to me?”
I just stood, silent.
“Well, that’s what I came to say, except to ask your permission to work again with Derek.”
Finally I spoke. “No. Not now; not ever. I told you the last time we talked that I didn’t want you to have anything to do with my family. You betrayed me, you acted as if Josh’s and my pledges to each other were nothing. I have no respect for you and I really don’t care what happens to you.” With that, I turned and closed the door in his face.
When the boys returned to the kitchen they looked at me questioningly, but I just went on washing the dishes.
The first snows arrived early, in the second week of November. The morning after the snowfall promised a beautiful, clear day. The sun set the new-fallen snow to glistening so brightly Derek and I wore dark ski goggles. The air was cold and dry and scented with pine. It was a marvelous morning to be alive.
With all the wet weather and being two men short we had had no time to gather the logs we had cut last year. They were still lying in the bush. It took the two of us three days of hard work using the tractor to haul the long logs close to the barn, where we finished cutting them into stove lengths. When the boys were off for Christmas break we would have to cut down some more trees for next year’s heating season. Especially since we had had no income in the summer it was a blessing we didn’t have to buy fuel. We had an ample supply of firewood from trees that were not going to be harvested for lumber.
The three of us now settled once again into winter mode shoveling, plowing, and spending many hours indoors.
On the appointed day we all returned to the hospital where Teddy had his cast removed. His first remark was, “Oh, God, it stinks!” Derek made a face and laughed. I assured Teddy that we just needed to clean it well. His second remark was, “It feels so weak.”
“That’s because you haven’t used the muscles for quite a while,” said the doctor. “We’ll give you some exercises and soon it will be stronger than ever.”
Two days before Thanksgiving Derek and I each received a letter with no return address. Derek opened his while I went to get a soda and said, “Garrett’s leaving.”
“Oh. Where to?”
“He just says he’s leaving the state. He wants me to keep writing and he’s sent the name of a high school teacher who he thinks could help me with my writing. I’m gonna miss him, Greg.”
“I understand, but you weren’t going to be writing with him anymore anyway.” With that, I tore open my envelope. The letter inside read:
Dear Greg,
First I want to apologize again for what I did to you and Josh. I know it was wrong. I remember the vows you made when you exchanged rings and I never should have done what I did. Please don’t blame Josh too much. I got him drunk and seduced him. If you’ve never been drunk perhaps you don’t know what it’s like. Among other effects you lose a lot of your will power. I did it purposely and I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. I hope someday you will be able to forgive me, but it’s more important that you forgive Josh.
Josh and I have not seen each other since that night. We have talked on the phone twice. He’s really angry with me and I don’t blame him, but he’s also angry with himself and he shouldn’t be. I do know that he’s miserable without you. Please, Greg, try to forgive him.
Since I’ve lost the only friends I have in Lancaster your family and Josh I’ve decided to resign from the school and move away. Of course, resigning in the middle of the school year is a breach of contract so I had to tell Superintendent Barkley what happened. I took all of the blame. The superintendent was unhappy with me, of course, but he agreed that it might be better if I left town. And he promised that nobody else needed to know why I was leaving. He was able to find a replacement for me to begin after Thanksgiving. I have a teaching job in Boston and I’m leaving after I mail this letter.
I sent a letter to Derek encouraging him to keep writing and recommending a teacher for him to work with. I hope someday to pick up a book and see that it was written by him. I truly believe he has that kind of talent.
I don’t know exactly how to finish this letter. “Sincerely” actually sounds insincere as does, “Yours truly,” so I think I’ll just say goodbye and I hope everything works out for you and Josh.
Garrett
I told Derek where Garrett was going to teach, pointing out that he was moving from a farm community to an inner city school. Privately I thought that the change might be enough of a punishment for him. He would certainly have an adjustment to make.
Derek had been invited to Katie’s home for Thanksgiving which meant that it would be just Teddy and me for our Thanksgiving dinner. I purchased the smallest turkey I could find and knew that even then there would be plenty of leftovers for the next day.
The night before Thanksgiving it began to snow again. Derek was worried that he might not get to Katie’s. When we got up in the morning there was a foot of snow on the ground. Derek shoveled the path from the house to the barn while I plowed the driveway. Fortunately, a plow came by on the road in the middle of the morning so we were able to get to Lancaster. Before we left I stuffed the turkey with Grandma’s secret recipe and put it in the oven. While I was gone Teddy started the mashed potatoes, green beans with almonds, and onions.
Back at the farm I basted the turkey off and on until the two of us pronounced it done. The meal was delicious. We finished it off with pumpkin pie topped with freshly whipped cream.
We picked up Derek in the late afternoon. It was obvious when he came out to the truck that he had had a wonderful time. There were stars in his eyes and a big grin spread across his face.
The following Sunday, at the close of the service, Derek asked if we could talk. I nodded and sat again between him and Teddy in the pew.
“What’s this about?” I asked.
“Josh,” he replied.
I sighed.
“Greg, I know you will never forget what happened, but you don’t have to forget to forgive,” he said.
I looked at him. Wisdom from a fifteen-year-old?
“Do you remember sitting on the couch with me one night when I was first in love with Katie?” he asked. “You talked about hurting people and being hurt by people.”
I nodded.
“Well, I know you’re very hurt. Teddy and I both get that. But are you aware that you’re hurting other people? You’re hurting not only Josh but also Josh’s parents and me and Teddy. Why? What good is all that hurt?”
“I don’t know, Derek,” I replied. “I’m sorry if other people are hurt, especially the two of you. I never wanted that. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Forgive him,” Derek said softly.
“That’s easy to say, but I don’t know how to do it. The problem is, as you know, I just don’t trust him not to hurt me again.”
“But you never will until you give him the chance to prove to you that you can.”
I sat thinking. Then, without answering I sighed, got up, and said, “C’mon, let’s go home.”
I thought a lot that night about what Derek had said, but I still had no idea how to get beyond the impasse.
A few days later I asked the boys what they wanted to do to celebrate Christmas, since it was just the three of us. They just looked glum and shrugged their shoulders.
One evening, a week before Christmas, just as we finished supper, Josh’s car pulled into the driveway and he got out.
“Shit,” I said. I considered retreating to the bedroom or upstairs but I knew that would be really immature and stupid. I knew I had to face him.
“Hi, boys,” Josh said to my brothers rubbing their heads and patting Charlie as he entered the house. “Do you think I could talk privately with Greg for a while?”
Upstairs they went with Charlie to play chess.
Josh poured himself and me some coffee the way he always had and then sat at the table, looking at me while I looked down at my mug. Finally he said quietly, “I don’t know how to begin, Greg.”
“Then don’t,” I replied.
“How long are you going to punish me?”
“Is that what I’m doing? I thought I was just protecting myself from being hurt again.”
“Oh, yes, you’re punishing me. I know I deserve it, Greg. I know I was an idiot to do what I did. As I told you before, I didn’t even enjoy it. It was just stupid!”
“Well maybe with your next boyfriend you’ll be more careful.”
“But Greg, I don’t want another boyfriend. I want you. I always have and I always will.”
“I guess you should have thought about that before you fucked Garrett.”
“Yes, I should have. But I can’t change that now. I can only try to make things right between us. Is there anything I can do to get you to change your mind?”
I shook my head.
He banged his fist on the table and I jumped. “Damn it, Greg. You’re being unfair. Haven’t you ever done something wrong? Haven’t you ever done something you regretted later? Forgiving is part of loving, Greg. Do you remember how awful you were to Grandpa when you first came? He forgave you because he loved you. Think about that. You still haven’t forgiven your father, have you? Well it’s time you began to realize that not everybody is perfect. We make mistakes. We’re human. You’ve got to get rid of all that anger inside you. You’ll enjoy life a lot more, Greg, when you’re not so damned rigid and unforgiving. Think about that too. Think hard!”
With that he rose and went out the front door. I heard his car leave. He didn’t peel out this time; he left very quietly.
I expected he would call the next day but he didn’t. Derek asked me what had happened and why Josh hadn’t called but I couldn’t really tell him. I did do a lot of thinking about what he and Derek had said, especially about forgiveness. The more I thought about it the more I began to realize how really selfish I was being. Most of the time now I liked to think of myself as an adult, and I knew I wasn’t acting like one. And if I was being honest with myself, I really did miss him a lot. Now I had nobody to share my ideas with or to cuddle, and I have to admit my bed felt very lonely.
But meanwhile, our preparations for Christmas went on. We hiked out to the woods and chose a tree, setting it up in the living room and decorating it. Under it we put the presents we had for each other, not much this year with just the three of us. All the time I was thinking, thinking about what I should do.
It wasn’t until Christmas Eve day that I finally gathered my resolve enough to call Josh, asking him to come over after supper. He arrived as we were finishing the dishes. The boys greeted him warmly and then took themselves outside.
Once again Josh poured our coffee and sat at the table. This time I had to say, “I don’t know how to begin.”
“Just try,” he said gently.
“I was so hurt and angry, Josh. Can you understand that?” He nodded. “I guess I still am hurt, but I thought about what Derek said about how I was hurting other people; and I thought about what you said about forgiveness; and finally I realized I had to grow up and try to work things out. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I treated you so badly. I’m sorry the boys got caught between us. It wasn’t at all fair to them. I guess now we both have something to forgive. Can you forgive me?” He nodded. “So where do we go from here?”
“What do I have to do to get you to trust me again? Will you wonder every time I go out what I’m doing and who I’m with?”
“To be honest, I probably will, at least for a while. But I’ll really try to trust you. And I do know that when you promise something you keep your promise.”
“OK. Any time you wonder, it’s fine to ask. I’ll tell you the truth, as I always have.”
We sat in silence pretending to drink our coffee. Finally he asked, “Do you want me to come back here?”
“Will you?”
“Sure. I’ve missed you guys. Can I stay tonight?”
“Do you have any clothes for church?”
“Yup. I brought them just in case.”
I burst out laughing. “You sneak,” I said, and punched him none-too-gently on the arm. He laughed and punched back. I said, “Stand up.” When he stood I grabbed him, held him as tightly as I could and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. Finally I said, “We’d better get the boys and tell them the news.”
I called them and they ran in from outside. “Josh is going to spend the night,” I said. They burst into cheers and hugged both of us.
While Josh went to his car to get his clothes I went into our bedroom and returned with a small bundle wrapped in a handkerchief. When he re-entered the kitchen I stopped him, called the boys over, and handed him the little bundle. Carefully opening it, he gazed silently at our two rings.
“Boys,” I said taking his ring and placing it on his finger, “you are witnesses to my pledge that I will never again be separated from Josh. If we have problems then I’ll work with him to solve them.”
Putting my ring on my finger Josh said, “All couples have problems, but I promise, as you boys are my witnesses, that I too will work with Greg to solve together any problems we have. I promise also that he will never again have reason to distrust me.”
Then we kissed long and hard while they boys clapped.
We all dressed for church and rode there in Josh’s car, just like old times. Josh was welcomed by all the people who had missed him. As we finished the service with “Silent Night,” Josh and I held hands, which by now had become our tradition.
On the way back to the farm, Josh said, “Oh by the way, you’re all invited to my house for presents and Christmas dinner tomorrow.”
“You really knew this was going to happen, didn’t you?”
“No, but I hoped.”
“But we don’t have any presents for you and your parents,” said Teddy.
“Just your presence is all the presents we will need,” Josh replied.
Derek chortled while Teddy looked confused. “C’mon,” Derek said, “let’s go up to bed and I’ll explain it to you.” They said good night and went upstairs.
The kitchen was silent as Josh and I sat holding hands across the table. Finally we stood and I went to him. I cupped his face in my two hands, gazed into his beautiful dark eyes, and said, “You are the most wonderful person in my life. Please don’t blame me if I don’t ever want to share you again.”
Gazing back with his hands on my cheeks, he replied, “And you never, ever will, I promise.”
In the bedroom we slowly stripped each other and lay in bed. At first we just held each other while we each said how much we had missed cuddling and being with the other. Finally Josh rose on an elbow and kissed me very gently. I returned the kiss and then began exploring with my tongue. Soon we were rubbing each other and kissing each other all over. Finally, Josh pulled out some lubricant and asked, “May I?”
“Oh, yes,” I replied, and he did.
What is more wonderful than two horny young men who haven’t had sex for months and find themselves loving and tasting and kissing and thoroughly enjoying sex with each other? When he came inside me and I came nearly simultaneously, I knew once again that everything was going to be all right.